Let me start this off by saying that in general, I try to conduct myself as a really upbeat, positive person. I’m consider myself to be very optimistic, yet realistic. I enjoy looking at the brighter side of life whenever possible.
Today is not one of those days.
I’ve been struggling for a few days, well really, for a week or two. My weight stalled, and that frustrated me. Although I knew exactly why my weight wasn’t moving. I started eating more than I know I should, although I wasn’t logging all of the extras in MyFitnessPal. Who do I think I’m hiding that information from? No one that I’m friends with on MFP would judge me; they might encourage me to make better choices, but there’s no need to feel ashamed. Yet I do. So instead of being honest and credible, I go to my natural response, which is to hide my mistakes and lie. To myself most of all.
I get really frustrated with myself for sticking with it for 2-3 weeks and then having something happen and going off the plan. It’s a bad cycle with me, and before you suggest just how much I’d benefit from therapy, let me say that I am not ready for that at this point. I should go, I know, but I’m not going to. At least not now. You don’t have to agree with that, but it is the way that it is. I hope that some point later I will return to therapy, but for now, it’s not something I want to do.
But what I do have to face is figuring out another way to cope with stresses and frustrations. When I used to smoke I’d use that as my coping mechanism. But now that I’m not smoking, I have used food for that even more than I did before. Smoking allowed me to have “something to look forward to” as sick as that sounds. I was able to have more willpower with a strict diet because I could smoke when I was stressed, upset, sad, bored, etc. Now I fill in those spaces with food.
The key to all of this may be looking at why I have such strong reactions to seemingly inconsequential things. It’s partly because of my perfectionism and control issues. I want things to go well, and when they don’t I react, and that causes those around me to react back, and then I get hurt, frustrated, and upset. At work and in my home life. And it’s not a good place to be. I’ve been feeling like I want to reset myself and become someone who doesn’t have to have the snappy comeback or complete control of every situation. I want to be able to let people do things in a way that I don’t think is the best. To let those around me make mistakes and figure things out and for me to know that I am not responsible for everything going smoothly all the time.
Much of that is more than I can probably figure out on my own, but for now, I need to work on what I can and change in small ways as much as possible. It will take biting my tongue more often, and maybe little by little, I can improve.
I need to put my focus on accomplishing the goal at hand – those 20/25 pounds. I need to get my mind set that getting to my goal is more important the the taste of any food. The key is really in staying busy so that I don’t think of food. And looking at exercise as a way to cope with stress/frustration instead of eating emotionally. It’s about finding the willpower I used to have. It’s about changing my life.
Because the alternative – staying this way forever – makes me sadder than I can describe.
It stinks when you are struggling doesn’t it.
Maybe you can do some private journaling about why you think you can only be “good” 2-3 weeks and then backslide. I think it would be time well spent and may uncover the reasons you are being your own roadblock.
Isn’t part of the WLS screening a psych eval? Isn’t it covered under your insurance? I would think (when you are ready) that they may help you to understand the triggers that are making you sabatoge your efforts.
Hope you have a good weekend. It is supposed to be upper 60s low 70s
Wish I could give you a big hug. I know how hard it is to be this frustrated. I’m sorry. I promise you that none of us are judging you, but I realize that doesn’t make it easier to accept the behavior for yourself. I have a lot of shame around my eating, too, so I know how you feel.
Regarding your control issues, I just wrote a post a few days about how DH and I got in a huge fight about my control issues. It was ugly. I understand how you feel. I wish I could offer you something more substantial, but I promise you that I understand. It’s really hard to let go. Some days are better than others.
One of my best friends got a surprise trip back home (here) from her husband. She’s here for 4 days so I”m trying to see her as much as possible while she’s here. I know you’re busy tomorrow and I think you said you were going to the movies on Sunday with friends, but maybe we can squeeze in time for a quick coffee? Early? I think we could both use some cheering up.
Sorry to see you’re struggling. I can also relate as my weight loss has stalled lately and I feel tempted to give up totally. Something def feels comfortable about going back to my old bad habits.
I wish more than anything right now that I could reach out and give you a hug. I know you’ll figure it out but wish I was able to help.
Thank you. I’m snapping out if it and will be back to normal soon.
You’re such an inspiration, I’m cheering for you, Bella! You can so do this
Hi Bella – I just wanted to say that I’ve been in your shoes and wish you the best of luck! Personally, when I stopped restricting my calories to the low range (between 800-1000 calories) and bumped it up to about 1800 calories, I stopped feeling the urge to binge every couple of weeks (and I was 263 pounds at my start weight). Of course, my weight loss slowed down to 1 pound a week but this is the only thing that prevented my restrict/binge cycle. Good luck in finding your own path!