The post that I wrote on Friday was a bit of a BS recap. I mean, I meant everything I wrote, but it was the easy way out of getting on the scale and admitting that I’d gained weight. I knew I’d gained weight without even getting on the scale because I’d been to the doctor and saw the number there. And even if their scale is higher than mine is, it wasn’t that much different. The reason I avoided the scale on Friday morning was because I didn’t want to come on this blog and admit that I had fallen into old habits. I didn’t want to admit that I’d eaten myself into the equivalent of a wasted summer. And I didn’t want to face judgement.
But then I realized that this blog was never about putting on a happy face or avoiding the truth. This blog is about the down and dirty of my weight loss journey. A journey that has been a struggle for me, every step of the way. It’s important for me to document the reality of what I’m doing, for myself. So that I can see the patterns (which I know that all of you have seen for a long time, but when you’re the one at the center of it, it takes longer to recognize it) and make better choices.
I’ve been feeling nervous about the beginning of school and my more restricted time and a more structured schedule. I got depressed about my high blood pressure readings. And my reaction to all of that was to binge eat. I know that makes no sense to those of you who don’t have a disordered relationship with food. You would think that I’d take advantage of my last week or so of vacation and make healthy choices, both in food and exercise, which would naturally help with the BP results. But I didn’t. I got overwhelmed and shut down, which is my tendency. I turned to food to numb everything. I showed no willpower and I let base cravings get the better of me. I sat for hours on the couch and had “marathons,” but really they were just an excuse not to workout, because I know that when I workout I naturally eat better. Again, those of you who don’t struggle this way will not understand it. But this post isn’t for you, it’s for me.
Today I weighed in at 307.0, which means I set myself back to week one of the summer. I have 26 lbs to go to reach my pre-surgery goal.
There it is in black and white. I fucked myself over this past week, and now I have to deal with it. Period. It’s not insurmountable by any means. But I can’t keep losing weight and then gaining it again in moments of stress and fear. Otherwise I’m going to get kicked out of the Bariatric program. And there is no way that I’m going to let that happen.
I know I have a lot of work to do mentally. I’ve already begun taking steps to put myself in a better mindset and break this cycle that I’ve been on for years. Therapy and self help books are in the works. I’ve decided that I’m not going to blog about this portion of the journey, because I’ve been uncovering deeply personal things, and I want to keep them private. I’m sharing them with the therapist and a few people in my life, and that will suffice.
But I don’t want this post to be completely harsh or negative. I’ve had an amazing summer, overall. One week of terrible choices doesn’t negate all the fun I’ve had. I spent most of the summer participating in a bunch of activities that I loved – walking Sofi, Zumba, Bikram yoga, swimming, Hot Hula, belly dancing, and bike riding. I’ve made beautifully well-balanced, healthy meals for myself that all incorporated my love of fresh fruits and veggies. I’ve documented all of this on MyFitnessPal, keeping track of my food and my workouts every single day for 9 weeks, which is no small task. No readout on the scale can take these things away from me.
And I’m still going into the new school year weighing less than I did when I left in June, so that’s something.
Until next week, my friends. I hope the scale treats you well, and that you’ve had a wonderful weekend!
I disabled comments for this post because I wrote it for me. I appreciate everyone’s support. I apologize to those who have read this again and again on this blog, and are really over it (me). I understand your frustration, believe me, I’m living it. But I also know that I am way too determined to let anything stand in my way, so I WILL get there eventually. All of this struggle and strife is just part of my journey, I guess.