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Archive for the ‘self esteem’ Category

summer

It’s summertime! Which means that school is out, my schedule is my own, and I’m footloose and fancy free.  Summer means the weather is warm, the sun is shining, and I can kick my workouts (and my weight loss!) into high gear.  I have less than 30 pounds to go to reach my ultimate weight loss goal, and I plan to lose quite a bit of that this summer. But this summer is about so much more than losing weight; it’s about living my new life.  I worked so hard for this new, healthy body, and I want to spend this summer doing a lot of the things I only dreamed of doing when I was at my heaviest.  That means riding rollercoasters, running in 5Ks, trying new water sports, wearing styles (and sizes!) of clothes that I could never wear before.  I want to LIVE every moment of this summer to the fullest. I’ve moved my weigh-ins to Wednesdays as a way to check in midweek. My Wednesday progress updates will be called Sensational Summer Weigh-Ins.

Week 62 was another great one. I got in good, solid workouts all week…that is until I went to a SJ Giants game on Saturday night and got hit in the ankle with a stray ball.  Ouch!  It immediately bruised and swelled up, prompting two unplanned rest days on Sunday and Monday.  Thankfully, yesterday I was able to get in a good sweat session on the stationary bike, and I even took Sofi for a quick walk around the neighborhood last night, so I’m on the mend.  The highlight of the week – the highlight of the summer – was riding roller coasters at Santa Cruz Boardwalk. The week was also filled with fun with friends & family – lunches, a shopping splurge, a picnic at a free summer concert, and a movie with my dad.

bilbl_scale.jpg So, what did the scale show?!

When I weighed in this morning, I was 177.4, which is a loss of 1 pound this week, and a loss of 99.6 lbs since surgery! I’ve lost a total of 137.6 pounds from my highest weight!! I have 27.4 pounds to go to my ultimate goal weight of 150 pounds. I’m actually really happy with my loss this week because my ankle is still pretty swollen, which may mean I’m retaining a bit of water.  Either way, it’s a loss during a week where I enjoyed lots of great food and didn’t get to work out as hard as I would’ve hoped the past few days. Still, I’m really glad that I’m seeing numbers on the scale that I haven’t seen since my early 20’s.  My body is looking fit, lean, and strong.  Even my thighs, which are my major problem zone, are showing improvement. I’m at such a great place in this journey, and even though the progress is slow, I’m proud that I am still making progress.

One week from today I’ll be at a professional development day for the new school year, followed by another on Thursday, and then the first required teacher workday at my school.  Which means I have one week left of summer vacation!  This summer has really flown by.  I’ve had a great, relaxing, rejuvenating summer.  There wasn’t a “wow” trip, but it was filled lots of other little moments that I’ll relish.  Almost-daily morning workouts with Tinkerbell to begin the day in a fantastic way, dates that gave me butterflies, tending to my beautiful flowers in my garden, loud laughter over drinks with the girls, fun bike rides all around the neighborhood, quiet talks with best friends, picnics at our weekly music concerts in the neighborhood, fun with my nieces (including a Zia and me day), shopping trips splurging on new items, tons of time with Sofi, and lots of time spent driving the Beetle with the top down, and lots of meals shared with the people I care about most.  I did every single thing on my #createyoursummer list (except that Hawaiian-themed party), which makes me immensely happy. I really lived life, got out and got social, and made each moment count. So many fun memories that will carry me through those crazy days of the coming school year.  One of the things I’m planning to do over the next week is to print out a bunch of the hundreds of pictures I snapped this summer to put them up in my classroom.  The kids love seeing the photos, and I do, too.  It’s a way to carry the magic of the summer throughout the rest of the year.

My goal for this week is to make the most of it.  To enjoy every minute and create more memories to add to my summer collection.  2014-06-21 07.44.31

Until Wednesday, my friends. I hope the scale treats you well, and that you have a wonderful week!

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Saturday, August 2nd – a day I’d been anticipating for more than 20 years.

You see, that was the last time I had actually ridden a roller coaster, and then just barely.  My memory is a bit fuzzy with the details from that fateful day 20 years ago, the last day I was able to ride a roller coaster.  The day my weight changed from “she’s so pretty if she’d just lose a bit of weight” to “too fat to ride a roller coaster.”  I think I was at Great America, squishing myself into a ride, saying a silent prayer that the safety bar would click into place.  Only this time the prayer went unanswered because the bar wasn’t going to click easily.  The attendant came over, about to tell me I had to get off the ride, and he must’ve seen the tears flooding my eyes and the pleading look on my face, because he took pity on me and let me ride the ride anyway.  Totally unsafe, but if given the choice between getting hurt on a ride that I wasn’t completely secured in or the mortification of being asked to get off the ride because I was too fat, I’d gladly take the chance of getting hurt.  After that ride, I never risked it again on a roller coaster.  And I got bigger, gained more weight, and knew that riding roller coasters was a thing of the past for me.

But in all these years, I never gave up the hope that someday I’d ride them again.  I put it on my #createyoursummer wishlist for ToneItUp.  I have it on my bucket list.  I even mentioned it to TR on one of our first dates when he asked me what my plans for my summer vacation were.  The problem had been none of my friends, or even my nieces, wanted to ride roller coasters with me.  It seems very few shared my love of speed, daring, and adventure.  TR was one of the only people who seemed even remotely interested in joining me, and he was actually really enthusiastic about it.  He even mentioned it again on the night of our goodbye phone call.  So about a week ago when I realized that the days of summer were  quickly disappearing, I texted TR and asked if he’d still be up for riding roller coasters with me, which he was.  We figured out a date, and now I just had to wait.  And you guys know how great I am with waiting.

That entire week I had a lot of trouble sleeping.  I’d wake up in the middle of the night, worrying about how the day would go.  About whether TR and I would have fun or if it would be awkward now that our relationship was relegated to something between dating and the dreaded “friend zone.”  About whether or not I’d be able to ride any of the rides.  About what I was going to wear.  About what the weather would be like.  About every single detail.  Friday night was the worst, I was giddy with anticipation and trying to sweep any doubts or dread out of my mind, until I finally just got up at 5:30am, as excited and anxious as a kid waiting for Santa Claus.

I picked TR up at 9am and we drove in the Beetle with the top down, even though it was an overcast morning.  As it turned out, I had absolutely nothing to worry about in terms of our rapport.  The conversation flowed as easily as ever, and I felt as comfortable with him as I always had.  We made excellent time and got to the Boardwalk in 30 minutes.

My heart was pounding out of my chest from the moment we drove by and I saw this sign.

My heart was pounding out of my chest from the moment we drove by and I saw this sign.

After finding the ticket booth and buying bracelets  that would let us go on unlimited rides (TR bought both our bracelets, which was incredibly generous of him, especially given the fact that I invited him and had been planning on paying for both of us.  In some ways it made the day even more special, because it was like a gift), TR asked me which ride I wanted to start with.  “The Giant Dipper!!!” I immediately responded.  “Starting off with the big one, I like it!” he said.  And I told him, that that’s how I like to live my life – do it big or don’t do it at all.

Because we’d gotten there so early and were among the first people at the Boardwalk, we had a miniscule line to wait in.  But it didn’t stop me from being ridiculously squirmy.  I was so excited, nervous, & anxious, and I couldn’t keep my thoughts from zipping around my head. Would I fit? Would the bar close?  Would my heart ever stop beating so hard?  Would we have fun?  The list went on and on.  I think I verbalized a bit of it, and TR just tried to reassure me that YES I would fit without any problems, that YES the bar would close with plenty of room.  If he could read my mind the poor guy might’ve run in the other direction from this crazy girl he was standing next to.  I must’ve been giving off some kind of vibe because right before it was our turn to get on the ride, the man in front of us turned around and said, “she’s more excited than my son to ride this ride!”

Finally, the moment of truth arrived.  It was my turn to get on the ride and sit down.  Even as I was doing it, I kept thinking, “please, God, let me fit.”  Of course I fit, with plenty of room!  The bar came down with no issues, and before I could even say anything, we were off, swept into the darkness of the ride, making our ascent to the top of the coaster before that first and best plummet.  The ride was SO much fun, but it was all a blur because all I was thinking the entire time was, “I’m doing it! I fit in the ride.  I’m small enough to fit in a roller coaster.  I can ride The Giant Dipper!!!”  

As we got off the ride, I was completely overwhelmed.  A wave of emotion washed over me.  I was so dizzy that I grabbed TR’s arm to steady myself, but then worrying that he’d think I was being too forward or trying to be romantic, I dropped it.  Tears were in my eyes, and I was trying to explain what I was feeling.  I apologized for acting so strangely, to which he replied, “you have nothing to apologize for.”  He really is an amazing person.  So I asked if we could walk down to the beach, to be near the waves, because the ocean always calms me.  He said of course, and as soon as we sat down, I felt better.  As I was sitting in the sand next to TR, I was talking a mile a minute, beginning the “ugly cry,” looking out at the ocean for strenth, and trying to capture all that I was experiencing. It was something along the lines of:

I am so excited that we just did that! I can’t believe we just rode The Giant Dipper!!!  I am sorry that I’m crying, I didn’t expect to react this way. Actually,  I don’t know how I expected to react.  After not being able to do something that you love for over 20 years and then finally being able to do it, it’s just crazy.  More than any number on a scale, more than any size I’m wearing, doing this today is amazing to me.  It’s something that I thought about, wished for, and wanted for so long.  And I can finally do it!  I’m finally a NORMAL person.  I know it’s crazy to you that I thought I wouldn’t fit. But even now, after losing all of this weight, I still don’t always see myself as I really am.  I’m surprised by how small I am now.  I’m surprised when I see pictures of myself in the same way that I used to surprise myself by how big I looked in pictures when I was heavy.  My head is still catching up to all of these changes.  And I guess that’s why with you I showed so many insecurities.  I’m such a confident person in every other aspect of my life, but I’ve always been insecure about my weight.  And even now that I have lost all this weight and I’m so proud of myself, I’m still getting used to this new body.  To this new person I’ve become.  From the outside, no one might know that I’ve lost all this weight, but underneath my clothes, there are still issues.  Things that I wish looked better, were tighter, or whatever.  I’ve worked so hard, and I wish all that hard work really showed and that I didn’t have any loose skin to feel weird about.  And this whole dating thing is so new to me.  I didn’t date for so long, and then I find someone like you that I like so much, and it’s so great.  And I totally understand where you’re coming from with the whole kids thing, so don’t worry. I heard you.  I just wish it could be different, but I get that it can’t.  And that’s ok.  I’m so glad that you’re here to share this with me today. This was awesome.”

And TR was really great about my little meltdown.  He said it wasn’t a meltdown, and that now he understood that I wasn’t afraid to actually ride the roller coaster, but that was nervous about fitting in the seat.  I told him it was never about being scared of going too fast on the roller coaster – that it could never be too fast or too high or too wild for me – that I loved all that.  And he got it.  He also said that we all have insecurities and that I never came across to him as insecure, which was really sweet of him to say, although I’m not sure how true it is.  While we were sitting on the beach something pretty incredible happened – two dolphins were right near the shore, swimming around.  They probably shouldn’t have been there, it was probably dangerous for them to be that close to the shore, but I took it as a sign.  That the day was going to be amazing.  That TR was exactly the person I was supposed to be sharing this experience with.  And that I could just calm down and enjoy it.  Which is what I did.

2014-08-02 10.48.44 Although at the next ride, the UnderTow, I did have a few moments of worry creep back in.  There was a sign saying that guests should check to make sure they could fit in the seats, because they were bucket seats, and smaller than on the other rides.  I asked TR if I should check if I could fit, and he said, “you can if you want to, but you’re going to fit.  With room to spare. You don’t have to worry.”  So I didn’t check ahead of time and just took it on faith that I’d fit without a problem.  And you know what, I did.  Plenty of room.  No worries at all.  It was at that point that I really just let all the insecurities and doubts go and just enjoyed the day.

As you can see, there was plenty of room in the seat.  I love the action shot of the two of us.  LOL.

As you can see, there was plenty of room in the seat. I love the action shot of the two of us. LOL.

We rode the Giant Dipper four times, the Under Tow twice, and the Log Ride once. I relished the fact that I could ride ANY ride on the Boardwalk, I could fit into ANY seat. That nothing could keep me from these roller coasters ever again! It was such empowerment, such freedom. As if I could fly. It was a remarkable feeling.

TR commented that I look "so tan and ripped" in this photo.  :D

TR commented that I look “so tan and ripped” in this photo. (I’ve never been complimented on my arms before, so that was very cool, even if it wasn’t quite accurate).

TR said that he was inspired by my accomplishment and wanted to conquer a bit of his own fear – a fear of heights, so he agreed to go on the gondola ride with me. Which was so impressive and endearing.  I give him so much credit for doing it, but the ride crept along at a snail’s pace and he was pretty shaky and white-knuckling it the whole way across.  “We won’t be taking that one again,” he said, and I completely understood.  That’s the thing about our dynamic that I think is so rare and so incredible – we can be completely open and honest with each other, revealing our vulnerabilities, and appreciating each other all the more because (rather than in spite) of them.

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Spending the day riding roller coasters was every bit as wonderful as I had hoped, and probably moreso than I could have ever imagined.  It was thrilling, exciting, and incredibly fun. The day was fantastic in a way that I can’t find the words for.  It was day that I will never, ever forget. It was living my dreams and fulfilling long-held desires.  It was the highlight of the summer of 2014. It was perfect.

2014-08-02 15.19.32

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summer

It’s summertime! Which means that school is out, my schedule is my own, and I’m footloose and fancy free.  Summer means the weather is warm, the sun is shining, and I can kick my workouts (and my weight loss!) into high gear.  I have less than 30 pounds to go to reach my ultimate weight loss goal, and I plan to lose quite a bit of that this summer. But this summer is about so much more than losing weight; it’s about living my new life.  I worked so hard for this new, healthy body, and I want to spend this summer doing a lot of the things I only dreamed of doing when I was at my heaviest.  That means riding rollercoasters, running in 5Ks, trying new water sports, wearing styles (and sizes!) of clothes that I could never wear before.  I want to LIVE every moment of this summer to the fullest. I’ve moved my weigh-ins to Wednesdays as a way to check in midweek. My Wednesday progress updates will be called Sensational Summer Weigh-Ins.

Week 61 was awesome!  Not only did I enjoy my increased calorie intake, but I got in 6 days of solid workouts (which helped me exceed my goal of #150bysummer!), and I finally made it to the beach for the first time this summer.  With only two weeks left before I start my teacher meetings, I’m determined to make each day count.

bilbl_scale.jpg So, what did the scale show?!

When I weighed in this morning, I was 178.4, which is a loss of 2.4 pounds this week, and a loss of 98.6 lbs since surgery! I’ve lost a total of 136.6 pounds from my highest weight!! I have 28.4 pounds to go to my ultimate goal weight of 150 pounds. I’m really excited to see a significant loss like this on the scale, because it’s been awhile!  Increasing my daily calories to around 1000 net calories per day is working well; it keeps me really satisfied throughout the day and it also curbs any cravings I may have. This morning’s weigh in marks my lowest weight on the scale in the last 20+ years, and I can’t wait to keep hitting new “lows” as these weeks continue.

One NSV that I’d like to share happened yesterday, on #TransformationTuesday, appropriately enough.  When I was originally asked to be a SweatPink Ambasador, one of the cool things the Fit Approach crew does is send out pink shoelaces and a SweatPink tank.  The shoelaces were no problem. The tank, though, didn’t fit, not by a LONG shot.  I ordered the largest size available, and there was no way on earth that it was going to fit me.  So I put it away for all this time.  Over two years it sat on a shelf, just waiting for the day when I could put it on.  For some reason, I decided to give it a try yesterday.  And you know what, it not only fit, but I was really happy with how I looked in it.

Here’s my post to the FB group:

SPAFB

I’m floored that 145 people “liked” my post!

Better than that was that when I posted about it on the SweatPink Ambassadors’ Facebook page, the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming!

Just a few of the comments I got from my SPAs

Just a few of the comments I got from my SPAs

Lately I’ve been seeing myself as a fit person, which is amazing to me.  For so many years I  was the “pretty plus-sized girl,” but now I’m proud of the body that I have.  I’m not hiding it behind loose clothes and layers, I’m wearing form-fitting outfits that show off my strong legs, shapely waist, curvy booty, and arms that are beginning to show some definition.  I love the way I’ve transformed, and I’m really enjoying dressing this new physique.  I like showing it off a bit, which is such a switch from the years of camouflaging my flaws.   Yes, I still have things I want to work on, but I’m happy to let the real me SHINE.

choosetoshine

Until Wednesday, my friends. I hope the scale treats you well, and that you have a wonderful week!

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2014-07-25 10.02.15

(I used the Rhonna Designs app on my iPhone to make this pic. I used this picture I took from my trip to Oahu in April.  This is Waikiki Beach, and I loved the color of those umbrellas).

1.  As soon as I finish writing this post, Sofi and I are hitting the road and going to the beach for the first time this summer.  I can’t believe I haven’t been to the beach at all yet this summer. I’m excited to beat the heat (it’s supposed to hit the mid-high 90s here today), walk along the beach with Sofi, and just enjoy the crashing waves. Look for pictures on my Instagram later.

2.curly-curling-creme_0For those of you with curly hair, you know how important it is to find the right products.  It’s only recently that my hair has returned to it’s normal curls. After getting my hair smoothed with the formaldehyde-free keratin treatment last December, my curl pattern was completely changed; it wasn’t curly anymore, it was barely wavy.  I’m glad that I got the keratin treatment, because my massive weight loss affected my hair terribly, making it thin, frizzy, and really difficult to manage.  But I’ve realized that I’m just not great at blow drying my own hair on a regular basis (I just don’t have the technique), so I’ve decided not to get the keratin treatment again (which costs $300), and instead treat myself to Dry Bar appointments now and then. But let’s get back to the products.  Now that my hair is back to it’s normal curls, I wanted to find a product that would keep them defined, control the frizz, but and not build up. After trying lots of different things, I found Curly Sexy Hair. I’ve been using the shampoo, conditioner, Full-On Curls, and the Curling Creme.  I like that these products are really affordable, and that they work. I’ve been enjoying lots of compliments on my hair lately, which I haven’t had in about a year.

3. I’ve had a few clothing NSVs this week.  On Sunday, I found the cutest top, but it as in the petite section.  I liked it so much that I decided to try on the petite Medium anyway, and it FIT! Then on Monday, I was shopping around Target and found a cute 49er tee that was a juniors Large (see Instagram photo). The week before last, I went online to Venus and found a bunch of cute tops, all of which were size Mediums; they came on Tuesday, and every single one fits great (see the turquoise, floral peplum top in my Instagram). Yesterday I was thrilled to finally fit into the Chase Infinite tank that I’d bought a couple of months ago (again, see yesterday’s Instagram workout post). Every time I buy clothes in these small sizes, I am amazed at the fact that they fit. Not only fit, but that they look good.  Shopping is such a pleasure now.  I’ve always loved getting new clothes, but now that I can walk into any store and find something adorable, I am loving it!

4. I usually love watching movies in the summer, but I have to say that I’ve been very underwhelmed at the offerings.  The last movie I went to was The Fault in Our Stars, which was very good.  In the many weeks since, there really hasn’t been much I’d be willing to see.  But suddenly there are a few that I’m looking forward to:

  • j3231_mostwantedman_1sht_67f_web
  • boyhood_posterart
  • wiwh_poster_finalsm

5. 2014-07-13 00.05.37 I found this photo on Instagram awhile ago, and I love it.  Not only is “choose happy” the way that I try to live my life on a daily basis, but I also love the beach and the image of the sun.  Seeing this just makes me smile, and I’m going to put it up on my white board at school as a daily reminder.  Because no matter how stressful the situation, how disappointing the news, or how unfortunate the event – I choose my reaction and I choose HAPPY.

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Happy Friday! I hope you have a wonderful weekend, full of fun and exciting adventures.

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summer

It’s summertime! Which means that school is out, my schedule is my own, and I’m footloose and fancy free.  Summer means the weather is warm, the sun is shining, and I can kick my workouts (and my weight loss!) into high gear.  I have less than 30 pounds to go to reach my ultimate weight loss goal, and I plan to lose quite a bit of that this summer. But this summer is about so much more than losing weight; it’s about living my new life.  I worked so hard for this new, healthy body, and I want to spend this summer doing a lot of the things I only dreamed of doing when I was at my heaviest.  That means riding rollercoasters, running in 5Ks, trying new water sports, wearing styles (and sizes!) of clothes that I could never wear before.  I want to LIVE every moment of this summer to the fullest. I’ve moved my weigh-ins to Wednesdays as a way to check in midweek. My Wednesday progress updates will be called Sensational Summer Weigh-Ins.

Week 60 was quite a mix.  I started off the week pretty strong – eating well and working out.  Then on Thursday, I got some really disappointing news and took a bit of a downward turn on Friday and Saturday. By Sunday I’d sort of pulled it together, and I’ve been going really strong since Monday.  Whew! Did you follow all that?

bilbl_scale.jpg So, what did the scale show?!

When I weighed in this morning, I was 180.8. Technically, this is a gain from last week (2 lbs), but I went up over the weekend (<4 lbs), so this is a 2.8 lb loss since I weighed in on Monday.  I’ve lost 96.2 lbs since surgery! I’ve lost a total of 134.2 pounds from my highest weight!! I have 30.8 pounds to go to my ultimate goal weight of 150 pounds.

I’m not thrilled with myself that I let my emotions get the better of me on Friday and Saturday and spent much of the time sitting on the couch snacking.  I did get out with friends on Friday night, but that led to quite a few cocktails, which also had an adverse affect on my weight.  Could I have handled things differently?  Of course.  Was it a human response that I got under control after two days of wallowing?  Yes.  So I’m actually pretty proud of my ability to bounce back and move on from heartbreak.

The thing I’m actually excited to talk about today is the way I’ve tweaked my eating plan since Monday.  One of my pals on MyFitnessPal messaged me on Monday, asking about the idea of upping calories.  She’s about 6 months out from VSG surgery, and had an appointment with her doctor and nutritionist where they told her they wanted her to start eating more calories. Specifically, that they wanted her to get 1000 net calories per day.  She’s been following my food diaries from the beginning, and has modeled the way she eats after me – trying to eat a balanced diet of protein, veggies, and carbs.  Mostly whole foods, with the occasional treat thrown in.  She said she was hesitant to raise her calories, but tried it for one week, and after stalling on the scale two weeks in a row, she lost 5 pounds the week she upped her calories!

As you guys know, I’ve been basically the same weight for the past several months.  Even though I’ve been eating well, working out, getting lots of water, etc., my weight loss has basically become very stagnant.  I know it’s because I have so few pounds to lose to get to goal (compared to how many I had to lose to begin with)When I went to my 1-year follow up appointment, the nutritionist recommended that I increase my calories to 1200 per day, but I really didn’t think much of that advice, and just continued my normal eating.  Which meant eating between 850-950 calories a day, about 500-650 net calories.  Which is very low, when I think about it in those terms.  Now that I’m post-VSG I will never consume the amount of calories that someone with a normal stomach can, but I have been wanting to change something with my eating to see if I could shake up my body and amp up my weight loss. It makes sense that at this point post-op my body is getting too used to so few calories, and might even be in a bit of “starvation mode.” Although it’s much different for me with only 20% of a normal stomach, I do think upping my calories and eating more frequently will jumpstart my metabolism and lead to weight loss.

Actually, I don’t “think,” I know. I lost 2.8 pounds since Monday following the 1000 net calorie plan.  What I’ve come up with is adding in more snacks throughout the day, as well as incorporating some higher calorie, but very good for me, foods. For example, yesterday:

breakfast

A yummy green smoothie

Morning Snack

Morning Snack

A really great salad

A really great salad

Afternoon snack

Afternoon snack

Caprese salad and a tiny bit of pasta

Caprese salad and a tiny bit of pasta

Evening snack/dessert

Evening snack/dessert

Daily Total: 1437 calories, 102g protein, 138g carbs, 35g fiber, 68g fat! Net calories: 979.

The thing I like about increasing my calories this way is that I am eating foods that I’ve shied away from because they had more calories, but that I love. I’ve noticed that I haven’t had any cravings, either, because I know that I’ll be enjoying something I like soon enough.  I’m going to give it until next Wednesday and see if the results continue.  If not, I can always go back to what I was doing before. But I have a strong feeling this is going to work well.

Workouts are going great, and I love being able to workout first thing in the morning.  The realization hit me today that I only have 2 1/2 weeks before I start my teacher meetings and school starts, and I’m very grateful that I will have a morning prep so I can continue the beginning of the day workouts without having to get up at 4am!

My goal for these next 2 1/2 weeks is to enjoy every bit of summer vacation that I can.  Which means going to the beach, riding roller coasters at the Boardwalk, hitting the road for a girls’ trip to Long Beach, and simply enjoying the quiet moments in my backyard with Sofi.

This week is all about being open to changes. I’m grateful that I’m someone who embraces change – it’s needed and necessary.

2014-04-06 19.15.38

Until Wednesday, my friends. I hope the scale treats you well, and that you have a wonderful week!

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I haven’t spent too much time on this blog talking about my dating life because I didn’t want to “jinx” anything by talking about it too much, and I wanted to keep things to myself until I knew what was going on with TR and me.

As I mentioned briefly at the bottom of another post,  TR and I met on Match.com and were really enjoying going out.  We’d gone on four dates before I left for my teaching conference in Sacramento, and each one was as much fun as the last.  He and I had a ton in common, came from very similar backgrounds, and really liked each other’s company.  He has a dog, and when Sofi met his dog, they were fast friends.

One thing that seemed to be missing was communication when we weren’t with each other, which surprised me, because I consider myself a really independent, confident person.  I enjoy spending time alone, feel great about myself, etc.  Yet I found out that when I’m dating someone, I like for him to text me to let me know he’s thinking of me even when we aren’t together.  For example, I’d text TR “Good morning,” and he wouldn’t respond until much later in the day. Granted, he’s working and I have the summer off, so I totally understand not being able to get right back. But everyone can take 2 seconds and type, “thanks, you too.”  While I was in Sacramento, he didn’t text me once, unless it was in response to a text that I’d sent about the SF Giants game, or the restaurant we’d tried.  (I was trying to check in to see what was going on with “us,” and thought that if I sent “small talk texts” it would help).

One thing my sister pointed out was that TR gives his full attention to whomever he’s with at the time.  When he and I are out on dates, he’s not checking his phone or responding to texts, which I like.  So he definitely could have been very occupied with friends, etc while I was gone.  But it did make me feel insecure that he hadn’t sent one greeting text just to let me know he was thinking of me.

When I got back from Sac, he told me he’d be spending the weekend with his family at his uncle’s beach house, which really disappointed me, since it would be over a week since we’d see each other.  But I tried my best to take it in stride and occupy myself with other things.  Another half a week went by with no real texting.  Until finally, TR called me on Thursday evening.

I was out at a free local music concert and missed his call, which  turned out to be better in the long run.  When we did end up talking on the phone, I knew it wasn’t going to be good.  My intuition told me that he was going to say goodbye.  And I was right.

Without going into too many details, he called to let me know that he’d done a lot of soul searching while I was away.  On our first date the subject of having kids came up, and I said, “I’m not planning on having any kids, given my age, so hopefully that’s not a dealbreaker.”  To which he replied, “not at all.”  He said that he had given it a ton of thought while we were apart, and he was lying to himself and to me when he said that.  He said that he wanted it to be true because he really liked me – “you’re smart, pretty, fun, funny, great personality.  We have so much in common, come from similar families, you’re Italian.  You’re really fantastic. But I do want to have kids. I’m so sorry.”

What can I really say to that?  This is where our age difference plays a factor – I’m 43 and he’ll be 37 in October.  I told him that it was actually a relief to hear that this was the reason why I hadn’t heard much from him because I had thought that he just gotten to know me better and didn’t really like my personality.  And he said, “God no, I love the way you are.”  I told him that of course I was disappointed because I loved spending time with him.  That he was the first guy in so long, but really the first guy that I’ve dated EVER who had every single thing I was looking for in someone.  I told him my feelings had been hurt because I thought he’d just decided I wasn’t the one and he had moved on, and he said, “I’d never do that to you.”

Then he said he’d still like to take me to ride rollercoasters.  I’d explained to him how important that was to me because for years I’d been too big to ride any rides and now I could ride anything I’d want to, but no on else wanted to go with me.  For him to remember that was really special, which I told him.  I think I will ask him to take me to ride the rollercoasters, because although it will be hard to be “just friends” with him, I can’t think of a better person to do that with than him.  He also said he’d love to meet up once or twice a month to go to dinner or something.  I could hear it in his voice that he was really struggling with all of this because he really likes me, but yet he really wants to have kids, too.

Before we ended the call, I told him, “well, just make sure you meet the right person.  Don’t just go with anyone.  You deserve a really GOOD girl.  Wait for her.”  To which he responded, “YOU are a good girl.”

And right there is where my heart broke, the tears flooded my eyes, and I wished him all the best and got off the phone to cry.  The whole thing is just super sad.  It’s so hard to meet the right person at the wrong time.

Part of me hopes (as I alluded to in the title of this post) that life turns out like a romantic comedy.  In fact, the last thing I texted him was:

I really do appreciate you letting me know.  It sucks, because you really have every single quality on my “wish list,” and I loved being with you.  I saw so much potential, but I get it. On the bright side, I’ve seen the movie Serendipity, and you never know what can happen in the future. (If you haven’t seen it, add it to your “must watch” list, along with Into the Wild and Importance of Being a Wallflower).”

He didn’t respond; I didn’t expect him to.  It’s enough that I wrote it.  If I’m honest, I do hope that he dates a few girls, realizes that none of them are as cool/put together/fun/sassy/perfect for him as I am and he changes his mind about the kid thing.  I know it’s a long shot, and I’m not going to hold my breath waiting.  But it sure would be nice, right?

-1I spent most of Friday on the couch feeling sorry for myself, but I am happy to say that I put an email out to my girlfriends about what had happened and that I needed to go out on Friday night.  They were totally there for me, and we hit the town on Friday night.  It was fun, and I’m glad that I didn’t spend Friday night wallowing.  I did, however spend all day and night Saturday back on the couch, partly because I was hungover, partly because I was sad.  Yesterday I had fun plans with Tinkerbell for her birthday, which was great.  My pity party was over, and I was moving on with my life.

Watch out, guys!

Watch out, guys!

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2014-07-21 13.01.20Today marks fourteen months since my VSG surgery, and it’s also Monday, so I figured this was the perfect Motivation Monday post.

Measurements

6/20/14

 7/21/14

Change

Neck

12.75

12.75

same

Arms

11

11

same

Wrist

6.25

6.25

same

Bust

33

 32.5

-0.5 inch

Waist

32

31.5

-0.5 inch

Hips

43

42

-1 inch

Thighs

25

24.5 -0.5 inch

Calf

15.5

 15.5

same

Ankle

8.5

8.25

-0.25 inch

It’s good to see that I’m still making progress in the “parts” that count – bust, waist, hips, & thighs.  My older clothes are fitting looser, and I’ve gone down in sizes, so it makes sense.

Photos

I have on the exact same clothes in both photos.  My sports bra and VS yoga crops. The left photos were taken 6/20/14 and the right photos were taken today, 7/21/14.

I know my body looks higher in the photo on the right, and my legs are more widely spread, but I think you can see a difference in my waistline.  (And in my tan - I was DARK last month!)

I know my body looks higher in the photo on the right, and my legs are more widely spread, but I think you can see a difference in my waistline. (And in my tan – I was DARK last month!)

2014-07-21 12.49.47

Last month my body was turned slightly, but even still, I think the photo on the right shows that my waist is more defined and that my butt has gone down a bit.

2014-07-21 12.50.46

I don’t really notice much difference between these two photos. I think I have a bit less “back flub” in today’s photo, but because of the angle, it’s hard to tell.

I’m happy that I can still see the changes in these photos.  They may be slight, but they’re still there, which is motivating to me.  I’ve continued to kill it at the gym and in outdoor exercise over the past month, so it’s nice to see those changes show up in photos.

I have just under a month until school starts again, and I am really excited to see what I can achieve in that time. Thanks for sharing my 14-month surgiversary with me!

82ea2429e80bf8d49b9276aecaa43ca7

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