I haven’t spent too much time on this blog talking about my dating life because I didn’t want to “jinx” anything by talking about it too much, and I wanted to keep things to myself until I knew what was going on with TR and me.
As I mentioned briefly at the bottom of another post, TR and I met on Match.com and were really enjoying going out. We’d gone on four dates before I left for my teaching conference in Sacramento, and each one was as much fun as the last. He and I had a ton in common, came from very similar backgrounds, and really liked each other’s company. He has a dog, and when Sofi met his dog, they were fast friends.
One thing that seemed to be missing was communication when we weren’t with each other, which surprised me, because I consider myself a really independent, confident person. I enjoy spending time alone, feel great about myself, etc. Yet I found out that when I’m dating someone, I like for him to text me to let me know he’s thinking of me even when we aren’t together. For example, I’d text TR “Good morning,” and he wouldn’t respond until much later in the day. Granted, he’s working and I have the summer off, so I totally understand not being able to get right back. But everyone can take 2 seconds and type, “thanks, you too.” While I was in Sacramento, he didn’t text me once, unless it was in response to a text that I’d sent about the SF Giants game, or the restaurant we’d tried. (I was trying to check in to see what was going on with “us,” and thought that if I sent “small talk texts” it would help).
One thing my sister pointed out was that TR gives his full attention to whomever he’s with at the time. When he and I are out on dates, he’s not checking his phone or responding to texts, which I like. So he definitely could have been very occupied with friends, etc while I was gone. But it did make me feel insecure that he hadn’t sent one greeting text just to let me know he was thinking of me.
When I got back from Sac, he told me he’d be spending the weekend with his family at his uncle’s beach house, which really disappointed me, since it would be over a week since we’d see each other. But I tried my best to take it in stride and occupy myself with other things. Another half a week went by with no real texting. Until finally, TR called me on Thursday evening.
I was out at a free local music concert and missed his call, which turned out to be better in the long run. When we did end up talking on the phone, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. My intuition told me that he was going to say goodbye. And I was right.
Without going into too many details, he called to let me know that he’d done a lot of soul searching while I was away. On our first date the subject of having kids came up, and I said, “I’m not planning on having any kids, given my age, so hopefully that’s not a dealbreaker.” To which he replied, “not at all.” He said that he had given it a ton of thought while we were apart, and he was lying to himself and to me when he said that. He said that he wanted it to be true because he really liked me – “you’re smart, pretty, fun, funny, great personality. We have so much in common, come from similar families, you’re Italian. You’re really fantastic. But I do want to have kids. I’m so sorry.”
What can I really say to that? This is where our age difference plays a factor – I’m 43 and he’ll be 37 in October. I told him that it was actually a relief to hear that this was the reason why I hadn’t heard much from him because I had thought that he just gotten to know me better and didn’t really like my personality. And he said, “God no, I love the way you are.” I told him that of course I was disappointed because I loved spending time with him. That he was the first guy in so long, but really the first guy that I’ve dated EVER who had every single thing I was looking for in someone. I told him my feelings had been hurt because I thought he’d just decided I wasn’t the one and he had moved on, and he said, “I’d never do that to you.”
Then he said he’d still like to take me to ride rollercoasters. I’d explained to him how important that was to me because for years I’d been too big to ride any rides and now I could ride anything I’d want to, but no on else wanted to go with me. For him to remember that was really special, which I told him. I think I will ask him to take me to ride the rollercoasters, because although it will be hard to be “just friends” with him, I can’t think of a better person to do that with than him. He also said he’d love to meet up once or twice a month to go to dinner or something. I could hear it in his voice that he was really struggling with all of this because he really likes me, but yet he really wants to have kids, too.
Before we ended the call, I told him, “well, just make sure you meet the right person. Don’t just go with anyone. You deserve a really GOOD girl. Wait for her.” To which he responded, “YOU are a good girl.”
And right there is where my heart broke, the tears flooded my eyes, and I wished him all the best and got off the phone to cry. The whole thing is just super sad. It’s so hard to meet the right person at the wrong time.
Part of me hopes (as I alluded to in the title of this post) that life turns out like a romantic comedy. In fact, the last thing I texted him was:
I really do appreciate you letting me know. It sucks, because you really have every single quality on my “wish list,” and I loved being with you. I saw so much potential, but I get it. On the bright side, I’ve seen the movie Serendipity, and you never know what can happen in the future. (If you haven’t seen it, add it to your “must watch” list, along with Into the Wild and Importance of Being a Wallflower).”
He didn’t respond; I didn’t expect him to. It’s enough that I wrote it. If I’m honest, I do hope that he dates a few girls, realizes that none of them are as cool/put together/fun/sassy/perfect for him as I am and he changes his mind about the kid thing. I know it’s a long shot, and I’m not going to hold my breath waiting. But it sure would be nice, right?
I spent most of Friday on the couch feeling sorry for myself, but I am happy to say that I put an email out to my girlfriends about what had happened and that I needed to go out on Friday night. They were totally there for me, and we hit the town on Friday night. It was fun, and I’m glad that I didn’t spend Friday night wallowing. I did, however spend all day and night Saturday back on the couch, partly because I was hungover, partly because I was sad. Yesterday I had fun plans with Tinkerbell for her birthday, which was great. My pity party was over, and I was moving on with my life.