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Posts Tagged ‘discouraged’

When I left the doctor’s office on Friday, I really didn’t know how to feel.  Part of me was relieved that I wouldn’t have to attempt the 10-mile walk on Saturday, because I was feeling very unprepared to try to walk that distance.  Especially considering the numbness was occurring at the 1 1/2 to 2 mile mark.

I realized that I really had to stop pushing myself so hard and I needed to really listen to my body.  The thing is, I always push myself to accomplish anything I attempt, and I’m usually successful.  I put a ton of pressure on myself in everything I do, and it usually pays off.

This time, though, pushing myself isn’t working.  And to be honest, I’m not really pushing myself physically.  At least, not with the OYO trainings.  I’m not doing them.  But the reason I’m not doing them is because the Wednesday track practices and the Saturday Coach and Mentor-led walks are so painful.  If they weren’t so difficult for me to complete, I think I’d be in a better place mentally.  Mentally, I am really being hard on myself.  I still hate the fact that I’m so slow and not seeing any progress.  That I feel so weak when I feel the pain.  I feel like I should be able to push through it, but I simply can’t.  Plus, the numbness is really scary.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to put the TNT trainings on hold until I find out exactly what’s going on.  On Friday evening, I still thought that I would somehow be able to participate in the San Diego Rock ‘n Roll Half Marathon.  I don’t want to say anymore, because I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I will say that I am feeling really frustrated, discouraged, and unhappy.  It sucks to set a goal for yourself and feel like you can’t accomplish it.

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This morning I woke up at 6am (a little behind schedule) to make it to the TNT Coach Led Training at 7am.  We were scheduled to meet at a park that hooks up with the Los Gatos Creek Trail.  I love riding my bike on the trail, although I’ve never gone on this part of it before.

I felt great this morning. Full of energy and ready to take on this huge task.  The weather couldn’t have been better: cool, a bit overcast, but no rain.  It’s been raining here for about 2 days, so we were really lucky that it let up for this walk.  I started off at a good pace, pumping my arms like they told us to on Wednesday night.

After a few minutes, everyone started passing me.  I can’t tell you how much I hated this.  I kept trying to tell myself it didn’t matter, but it did.  I’m just too competitive, and I hated the thought of being the last one.  I ended up walking with Luciana, an adorable Italian lady from Milan who’s in her 60s.  I love talking to her because her accent reminds me of my Nana’s.

As we got toward the 1-mile mark, we arrived at a fairly large hill.  At this point, my calves were cramping a bit, but I knew that once I made it up the hill, we were going to stop for a minute or two to stretch.  Everyone cheered us on as we got to the top of the hill, and I was embarrassed, because I didn’t want to make a spectacle of the fact that I was one of the last two to finish.  But I got a few good stretches in, and my calves felt so much better.

Then I started walking again and the numbness began.  First in my left foot; then my right.  I can’t explain the way this feels – it’s awful not being able to feel your feet because you have the constant worry that you might trip and fall.  I finally said something to one of the mentors, and she stopped the head coach and asked her to attend to me.

I told the head coach that I had just bought these new shoes, and that I had been getting a lot of numbness with my other shoes, but that these shoes were supposed to be better for my feet.  She looked at my shoes and said that I had the laces tied way too tightly.  I started to undo the laces to let them out a bit, and almost immediately, my feet felt relief.  It was like my feet sighed.  She said that her shoes were loose enough for her to slip them on and off without untying them, but that that might be too loose for me.  She said to play around with the laces and see what felt best.  She also said that I may not need to have the laces go through every hole.

I started walking again, and the numbness was still there, but it was alleviated a bit.  I kept telling myself that I had to keep doing this, no matter what.  I did get tears in my eyes, but I didn’t want anyone to see me crying, so I told myself to stop.  I wasn’t crying because of pain, but because I was so discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed.  I mean, I hadn’t broken a sweat, I wasn’t out of breath, and I know that my body can do more.  If only my feet would cooperate.

I finally made it to the 2-mile turnaround point and this time I was the last person.  Luciana had passed me when I was loosening my laces, and I coudn’t catch up to her.  Everyone cheered for me, but again, I just felt so embarrassed to be the last person.  I tried to tell myself that this was my first day, and that I can only get better from here.  I also didn’t want to seem like I was feeling sorry for myself, so I told myself to toughen up and get through it.

The walk back was beautiful.  My feet were still numb, but it was almost as if I was in a zen-like state.  I wasn’t thinking about how strange it felt to not be able to feel my feet, I was just looking at the scenery and taking in the fact that I live in such a beautiful place.  I also thought about all of the donations I’ve already gotten.  I don’t want to disappoint any of the people who have been so generous, and I think that those contributions are going to be what help me stay motivated.

At about 3.5 miles, my numbness miraculously went away.  I could feel my feet again, and I was able to pick up the pace a bit more.  I had been walking a bit more slowly than I wanted to while I was experiencing the numbness because I was so worried about tripping and falling.  It felt good to be able to go a bit faster.  Although I think my sock on my left foot somehow got bunched up, because I could feel a bit of a blister forming on the ball of my foot.  Nothing too serious, and not enough to keep me from continuing on.

As I got to the “finish line,” everyone cheered, and I felt truly proud of myself.  I wasn’t the last one – a couple of other people were behind me.  I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does.  I don’t care how long it takes me, I just don’t want to end up being the last one to finish.

All in all, it was a good walk.  The numbness was frustrating and a little bit scary, but now that I know to loosen my laces, I’m hoping it won’t happen again.  It took me about an hour and half to do 4 miles, which isn’t too bad.  I know that my pace will increase as I keep practicing.  That’s one of the main things I want to do this week – walk on my own – so that my body starts building endurance.

I’m really proud of myself for all that I accomplished and can’t wait to see the improvements I know are going to happen as I continue on this journey.
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