A huge admission

I’ve spent a long time thinking these past few days.  Reflecting on my great uncle’s life, thinking about my own mortality, and coming to a few hard truths that up until this point I have never been able to admit to myself, let alone anyone else.

I have an eating disorder.  It’s called Binge Eating Disorder, and I’ve been doing it since elementary school.  I’ve been ashamed to admit it, and as I write these words, I have tears in my eyes. No one in my real life knows about this, and I’m not sure I’m ready to tell anyone.  I feel that the behavior is really shameful.  Although, if one of you wrote that you had this trouble, I would never judge you.  Isn’t it strange how we are so hard on ourselves?

I don’t binge eat every day, but I do it often enough that it completely derails any progress I’ve had.  I can go whole weeks without doing it, and then something sets me off and I’m at it again.  It happened last night.  I know exactly why it started for me when I was a little girl, although I’m not sure I’m ready to discuss that here.  Nothing terrible like abuse of any sort.  But still, I’m not at the point of being that open on this public site.  I’ve alluded to this in previous posts when I’ve said that I feel out of control or I’m spiraling down, or I’m on a rollercoaster, but I’ve never come outright and said it to this extent.   While I know when and why it started way back when, I have no idea how to stop it or really how to control it, because I don’t know why I do it now.  I just have this need to do it sometimes.

Part of the reason that I am finally able to admit to this behavior is  that I just finished reading a book called Eating Heaven, by Jennie Shortridge, in which the main character struggles with this same disorder.  I saw so much of myself in her and I finally had to name it.  To give it a voice.

I’m finally saying something because I need your help.  I don’t want you to think that I’ve been lying to all of you, because I haven’t.  I have done all of the things I’ve said I’ve done.  I am doing RLR.  I do go to workout with a personal trainer.  I do track my food in WW.  I do send Scale Warfare nightly emails with my food journal.  (I add in the food that I binge on after I send the journal to SW.  Sometimes the next morning, when I make a new vow not to do it again, which I later break).   I am the person that you’ve come to “know.” I also just have this shameful secret.

Where do I go from here?  I’m really not sure.  I’m going to see if I can get some help.  Talk to someone.  Because this is a deep-rooted issue for me and I know that until I’m able to truly get it under control and stop doing it, I’ll never be healthy.  This year is all about taking ACTION, and finally coming clean to everyone (including myself) about my bingeing is the a huge step.

Any advice would be great. I know some of you also suffer from this, and I’d love to know how you overcame it.  How you control it.

Read Full Post »

I need help!

Before I install a lock on my fridge, I thought I’d come to you for some help.  I need some support and suggestions, guys.  Much of this post is going to be a bit stream-of-consciousness, so I hope you can follow me.

I know I can do better with my food.  It must be obvious to you guys, as well.  Anyone who is working out as much as I am (3-4 times a week, at least, an hour each time) should be losing more weight than I have been.  During the summer it was because of an adverse reaction to medication, but since then, I should have shown bigger numbers on the scale each week.  The reason why I haven’t is because I’ve been eating too much at night.  Call it stress eating, call it emotional eating, call it binge eating.  The point is, at night I seem to have something take over me and I feel like a serious food addict.

It’s strange because when I was doing the fasting, or when I was on Medifast, I didn’t “cheat” at all.  I never overate.  I stuck to the 500 or 800 calories a day and was fine with it.  (Well, it was f-ing up my metabolism, but I wasn’t eating more than they prescribed).  Now that I can eat whatever I want to (as long as I fall within my points), I’m doing terribly.  I do well all day and even at dinner, but once the nighttime hits, I’m like a caged animal that has finally been set free.  I’m not even hungry, but there is this insatiable need to eat and eat and eat.

So it’s time that I take real control of myself.  If I can do it on an extreme diet, why can’t I do it when I’m eating in a healthy way?  Why is it so difficult for me to stop myself from overeating at night?  I know that I’m not alone in this, and I’d love for you to give me any pointers that you might have.  I know that one big culprit is probably watching too much t.v. at night.  The thing is, I love certain shows on t.v. and do not want to give up watching them.  The evening after dinner is the only time I have to really unwind.  But maybe I can do something so that t.v. time doesn’t equal eating time.

One thing I know I can do is to stop eating dinner in front of the t.v.  I do it far too often, and even though that’s guideline #1 on most diet plans, I’ve fallen into that habit.  Mostly because I like the “company” the t.v. offers.  Since I’m single and live alone, it’s nice to have the t.v. on when I eat so that I have some sort of entertainment.  But I know that I don’t have to.  I can eat dinner in my cozy breakfast nook while reading a magazine (I have so many that I need to catch up on) or a book (lots of those, too).  Plus, if I eat in the other room, it’s right next to the kitchen, making clean up easier.

Ok, so solution #1 is to stop eating anything in the living room (where the t.v. is).  The only thing I’m going to allow myself to have in this room is some sort of drink – water, tea, coffee.  No more eating meals in front of the t.v.

The second thing I need is some new meal plans.  I have loads of cookbooks that I should go through to get inspired, but I never seem to have the time.  So starting this week, I’m going to use a half hour of my evening after dinner to find at least one new recipe.  I think breaking it up in smaller bits like this will actually help me accomplish more than if I try to devote 2-3 hours at a time.  Little steps.

This is also where you can come in.  I need ideas for all meals because I’m getting bored of my usual food.  Please post meal plans in the comments, and be as specific as you can.  Exactly what you ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks on a given day.  That will really help me.  If some of you have a new recipe that you’ve tried recently, could you post about it and send me the link in the comments?

I need to get serious here.  There are only 9 weeks left in this year, and I want to show some sort of positive momentum going into  the new year. That’s what my Countdown to Christmas Challenge is about.  That’s what this post is about.  I’m “coming clean” about overeating at night because I need your help and admitting the problem is the first step.

Please help me feel more like this.

 

Read Full Post »