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Posts Tagged ‘out of control’

frustration-1 These are the questions I’ve been asking myself.

I’ve had a bad couple of days.  BAD.  But the good thing is that I’m back on track now and things are looking up.  But let me tell you what happened.

Monday I went to an aqua aerobics class with Ish, which was nice.  The instructor kept us moving the entire time, and although the moves were basic, I was really working hard because she didn’t give us any breaks in between.  Ish thought this might have been because the instructor wasn’t actually in the pool with us due to an elbow injury. It’s kind of cool that she usually goes in the pool and does the moves with them; all the instructors at 24 Hour stay on the pool deck.  Anyway, after the workout and a dip in the hot tub, we showered, changed, and were famished.

We headed to Willow Street Pizza and got an amazing salad.  I think I mentioned it in my last post, but just in case, it was a summer salad special – grilled skirt steak, goat cheese, and peaches over mixed greens with a balsamic marinade.  So delicious!  I’m definitely going to make it again at home.  It wasn’t too bad points-wise, because it was about 4 oz of lean steak, 1 peach, about an once of goat cheese, and the marinade was balsamic vinegar.  Sooo, so good.

During dinner I was telling Ish how frustrated I was about this non-weight loss summer. I know that I shouldn’t get so caught up in what the scale says, but dammit, I wish it was showing how much hard work I’ve been putting in.  Ish told me again that she had a 6-month long plateau and then dropped 10 lbs in one week.  It does give me hope.  She said that she had been following Jenny Craig religiously, working out 5-6 days a week, and it wasn’t moving.  One night she went to a baseball game with her hubby and just said, F-it.  She had a hotdog, many beers, and other junk food.  She thought she was going to pay for it on the scale at her next weigh-in, but that next weigh in was the one in which she lost the 10 lbs.  She said she felt like she had shocked her system with a really high calorie day, and it finally all clicked.  Then she started following JC again and kept losing consistently.

So I had that story in the back of my mind on Tuesday.  Tuesday was a crazy day for me, and I didn’t even have time to eat lunch, which is something I NEVER do.  I did bring a string cheese and a 2-point bar with me to school, but that wasn’t enough by far.  I was at school until 5:30 with the journalism kids, and by the time I left, I had only had 8 points all day.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

When I was driving home I was thinking to myself, “you know, Ish ate that junk food and it helped her shock her system.  Maybe you should go through the McDonald’s drive thru and do the same thing.”  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

But I did it anyway.  I ordered a double quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, and of course a diet coke.  (I don’t like regular soda).  I figured if I’m going to try this theory out, I might as well go big.  Ugh.  I came home and ate it, and enjoyed it but thought that it was such a dumb thing to do two days before weigh-in day.  I spent the rest of the night watching Weeds, which I’d never seen.  I love it!  And by the rest of the night, I mean that I was up until 3:30am watching it.  I was watching season 1 and 2 on the Netflix “watch instantly” queue.  I loved the show, but I seriously felt as if I had smoked some weed (which I didn’t!) because I got a case of the munchies.  I wanted to eat anything and everything I could.  Yes, the food was all good-for-you food, but in those portions, nothing is that good for you.

Then I spent a good part of the rest of the night in the bathroom with stomach issues because of the greasy food.  Ugh.  I was supposed to go to a training session at 10am on Wednesday, but I knew that I wasn’t going to make it since I was feeling so sick and didn’t get much sleep (maybe 3 hours?) the night before.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Yesterday I didn’t do much at all.  It was like I couldn’t drag myself out of the cycle of overeating.  I watched more Weeds and spent a lot more time in the bathroom.  It was seriously bad.  I felt so mad at myself because I was sabotating myself.  Why did I do that?  I guess all of the pent-up frustration just finally got to me.

This morning I weighed myself at home, and it seems like I’m up 2 pounds, although my scale at home is a bit higher than the one at WW.  And no, I didn’t go to WW, even though I know I should’ve.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I was just feeling so guilty about everything, and I didn’t want to walk in and face them and the scale, knowing that it was going to show another gain.

What I did do was tell myself that 2 bad days doesn’t destroy everything I’ve done for the last 2 months.  I had a slip-up, but I didn’t fail.  I can start over, which is exactly what I did this morning.  I had a great breakfast, and I am going to spend the rest of today cleaning up this house.  For some reason, overeating and letting the housework go seem to go hand and hand for me.  I hate the way the house looks right now, and I’m about to start cleaning it up after I finish writing.  I know I’ll feel so much better once the house is back in order and I feel more in control.  I’m thinking I’m also going to clean the refrigerator and pantry.  Really go through and reorganize things so that when I go to the grocery store I can know what I need.

Tonight I’m also going to my first Zumba class, which I am really looking forward to.  I’ll definitely post more about that tomorrow.

All in all, I had a rough patch, but rather than letting it get me completely off track, I acknowledged my mistake and picked myself right back up.  I guess that’s the lesson in all of this.  It was stupid of me to allow myself to get out of control, but it’s over.  It’s done.  I’ve forgiven myself and I’m moving on.  That’s what’s important.

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Regular readers may have noticed something different on this blog recently.  Specifically, a lack of my usual blog posts.  In January and February I was blogging almost everyday, doing really well on WW, and feeling great in general.  Lately life is stressful, my schedule is packed, and I’ve been totally slacking on many of my responsibilities, including my weight loss goals.

I could give tons of excuses (explanations) about why this has happened, but that’s not really my style.  I’ve explained a few things in the last couple of posts – an extra class I’m teaching, TNT training, etc., but all of that is just life getting busy.  I have to be able to stick with WW, exercise, and all of my other obligations even when life is hectic and crazy.

After all, I look at my sister, LC, who has a really busy life and is still able to stick to her weight loss goals.  She’s a social worker, so stress and crises are daily realities for her profession.  LC is also a mother of two adorable little girls (6 and 21 months) and a wife.  She has an entire household to run yet still manages to make it to her weekly WW meetings, works out, and goes to yoga for a bit of “me time.”  Her day starts at 5:45am and doesn’t end until after 9pm, with hardly any down time for herself.  I really don’t know how she does it.

So every time I start feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself because of how busy I am, I need to remind myself that I only have myself to think about.  I don’t have a husband and two little girls who need me.  I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself, yet lately I can’t even seem to do that.

Case in point – I was supposed to go to a TNT training this morning.  8 miles.  I was dreading it because I haven’t been doing my OYO (on your own) trainings at all, and there was no way I was ready for the 8 mile walk today. Plus, we were supposed to wear our fuel belts, but I couldn’t find one that fit.   I was getting very upset with myself this morning for once again not going to a Saturday training (it’s so hard to wake up at 5:45am on a Saturday, I can’t even tell you), but at the same time, I told myself that I needed to take this weekend and really get myself back on track.

I’ve allowed myself to get into this really bad place lately.  Money problems caused me to be delinquent on some of my bills (I’ve now caught up), my house is a mess because I haven’t had the energy to clean it, my weight loss is non-existent because I haven’t gone to a WW meeting in weeks and I have stopped counting points, and I can’t seem to get myself to the gym to walk for my TNT trainings.  (I have been going to the Wednesday night track practices, but going once a week is not going to get me to where I need to be in order to complete a half marathon).  More than once lately I’ve thought about dropping out of the TNT program all together because it’s just so hard. I think about all my friends and family who have told me that I’m inspiring, or that “I rock,” because I’m training for the half marathon and I feel like a sham.

But then I think about all those people who have donated to my fundraising efforts and I know I can’t let them down.    I think about what I wrote on my fundraising page and I know that it’s true.  I want to do this in memory of my uncle.  I want to do this because it’s for such a good cause.  And most of all, I want to do this because it’s one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever attempted, physically.

So rather than just sit here and write about how sorry I’m feeling for myself, I am vowing to get over it.  I am going to spend today cleaning the house so that I feel human again at home.  I’m going to return the old fuel belt and find one that fits if it kills me.  I’m going to go to the gym and walk for an hour and a half, because I have to start in on these OYO trainings, plus exercise really does make me feel better. I’m going to go to the grocery store and buy loads of healthy food, because I always feel better when I’m eating good food. And then I’m going to work on a plan to fit daily exercise/training into my new, more hectic schedule.

I’ll check in again later tonight or early tomorrow with my progress.  I’m determined to stop this awful pattern and get back on track with everything in my life.  I have to.

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