Less Than Six Days to My New Life!

I’ve been wanting to write a post for the past day, but when I sit down to write, I don’t know exactly how to put what I’m feeling into words.  I keep using works like surreal and amazing, but even those seem to pale in comparison with the experience of my heart beating out of my chest every time I think about the fact that my life is going to change in less than 6 days.

So many people have asked me if I’m nervous or scared or worried about the surgery, and I can honestly say I’m not.  Not even one bit.  Sure, I realize there are risks, even death, but I am certain that’s not my fate.  I know it like I know my name.  The possibility of pain doesn’t faze me, either.  I’ve always had a high tolerance for pain, and I’m in good condition for someone of my weight, so I don’t think that will be much of a factor.

When I used to think of weight loss surgery, before I imagined it as an option for me, I focused on all of the restrictions to the post-op person’s diet.  Back when gastric bypass was the only surgery that anyone ever talked about.  I was so concerned about what “they” couldn’t eat, and couldn’t imagine my life with severe food limitations.  Today, after over 2 1/2 years of research, I know that there will be very few foods that are completely off limits.  Sure, there will be foods that I only enjoy on rare occasions, but I also realize that my life will be about more than food.  It will be full of all the new activities that I’ll have more energy to pursue, and all the people who I’ll have the opportunities to meet.  I’m not at all concerned about what I won’t be able to eat, but rather, excited by all that I will be able to participate in.

So I guess tonight I’m in a really peaceful, reflective mood.  It’s been a long, unsteady road along this weight loss path, but on Monday as I wake up from surgery, I’ll take that deep breath and I will start on the exciting new leg of my journey.

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I DID It!!!!!!! {sort of}

I have fantastic news to share with you guys! This morning I went to the Kaiser Bariatric program because my scale had showed that I’d lost the required weight to qualify for my “5 lbs to go” marker!!!!

This meant that I had to verify the weight on the Kaiser scale, and then go through the psychological evaluation. I was WAY more nervous about making the scale weight than I was about “passing” the psych eval.

The evaluation was basically just a series of questions and some hypothetical scenarios to see if I had changed my lifestyle and to make sure that I had a realistic idea of what to expect from the weight loss surgery. Since Kaiser has all of my records over the past several years, the psychologist knows just how long my journey has been.  I mentioned to her that it had taken me far, far longer than most people who are able to do it in 6 months, and she said that there’s no specific time that’s right for everyone.  She looked through my chart and said that while I struggled for quite some time, I was obviously working on the underlying issues that were blocking me from completing the process.  It was clear to her that I was ready for this new lifestyle.  She made me feel great about myself and the struggles that I’ve been through.  The only note the psychologist made was that I needed to stop chewing gum and switch to mints. I didn’t realize that chewing gum can lead to air bubbles in the stomach, which can have the same sort of complications that drinking carbonated beverages brings. Now that I know, I’m going to make the quick switch to mints. Because I’ve noticed that as I’ve been losing weight my breath has gotten really bad, and I don’t want my poor students (or anyone else I come into contact with) to have to experience that, I’m going to make sure to have Altoids with me at all times.

But to get back to the scale….gosh, doesn’t it always come down to the scale for me?

With my clothes on, on the Bariatric department scale, I was 1 pound over what they required. {sigh} Which means that before my completed file can be put on the surgeon’s desk for review, I have to have the 1 lb loss documented by Kaiser. So, I’m going to make sure to lose 2 lbs and go to my local Kaiser, get weighed in, and then have them document it into my chart. Then I call the Bariatric center back and let them know that I’ve made the weight loss requirement. I plan to make this before the end of this week.

It takes about two weeks for the surgeon to review my chart, and then it can be up to 8 more weeks for my surgery date. I think that’s the hardest part – not knowing exactly when the surgery will be. But, I’m just going to figure that I’ll be able to see out the school year and I’ll be having the surgery in early June, after school is over. It’s not ideal, because I’d like to have the full 8 weeks of summer vacation to maximize my weight loss (and not have to use 4 weeks of that time for recovery), but it is what it is.

I think of people like Scale Warfare, who didn’t have any sort of summer vacation, and who lost her weight, worked out, and changed her life, all while working full time. If she can do it, so can I.

Everyone I’ve told about making it to my first goal has been so excited for me. I have amazing friends and family, all of whom are as thrilled as if it was happening to themselves. Those are people who really love me, and that makes me feel so special. All of this feel so surreal, as if it’s all happening to someone else. I’ve wanted this day to come for so long, wished for it, willed it to happen, and now that it’s here, I’m sort of in a daze about it all. I know that once my weight loss is finalized and on the books, I’ll feel better.

But for now, I do want to celebrate all that I’ve accomplished. I’ve made amazing strides recently, in both my body but also in my mindset, and I’m incredibly proud of all I’ve been able to do. I can’t wait to see where I go next!!

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#Reverb12, Day 10: Your Greatest Risk?

Throughout the month of December, I’ll be participating in #reverb12: celebrating the successes of 2012, honoring the challenges of 2012, and planting the seeds for a rich and rewarding 2013. December is the perfect time to reflect on the year that has passed and start to manifest dreams for the new year.

Day 10 – What was the greatest risk you took in 2012? What was the outcome??

As boring as it sounds, I really didn’t take many risks in 2012.  I’d say I stood the course on most of my endeavors, and just put my nose to the grindstone and kept it moving.

This sounds so unlike me, because I’m bold, extroverted, and very passionate, so I feel compelled to make a list of risks I want to take in 2013:

1.  Finally undergo weight loss surgery
2.  Take a trip by myself, even if it’s just a couple of hours away.  Explore a “new” city on my own and stay somewhere overnight by myself just for fun.
3.  In the latter part of 2013, sign up on an online dating site and go on no fewer than 5 dates.

Not a bad challenge, eh?  I guess you’ll just have to keep tuned in to see if the risks will offer great rewards. I know I’m excited to see what comes from them.

What risk did you undertake in 2012?

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September Weight Loss Check-In

Wow, it’s been FOREVER since I did a weigh-in update, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve really liked this new method of mine – weighing in every couple of days and tracking that progress on MyFitnessPal (more on that in a moment) and then limiting my actual “official” weigh-in posts to once a month or so. It’s a saner, more realistic way for me to see my progress.

This morning I felt so light when I woke up.  I knew I would see good things on the scale, but I felt so good that it didn’t even matter – I’m doing everything right, so I know I’m making strides toward my goal.

Which means I’ve lost 9.2 lbs since I started my own high-protein/low-carb diet on August 29th (3.5 weeks ago) and 19.2 lbs total. I’m especially pleased with my progress since I started this new “get serious” pre-op plan, and I think that now that I’m going full steam ahead with the diet every single day of the week it’s going to be even more steady. (Note: I recorded 291.8 into MyFitnessPal because the scale was fluctuating between 291.6 and 292.0, so I went in the middle.  The weight loss stats I mentioned above reflects the mid-range number).

And when I refer to this plan as a diet, it really is.  It is a short term, get-the-damn-pre-op-weight-off diet that will get me to my goal.  Period.  Which works out well, because once I have the VSG surgery, I’ll be hitting the “reset” button on the way that I eat, the way that I look at food, completely.  I’m actually perfectly happy in following this diet, too.  For me at this stage, keeping it simple and straightforward works wonders for me.  As some of you pointed out, I can be social with my Lean & Green meal or just with a cup of coffee/tea. Or even better by meeting friends and doing something fitness-related like taking a walk or riding bikes or something.  For example, tonight I have plans to go to dinner with a friend, but I told her I’m staying low carb and she actually said that she is, too.  Perfect!  Tomorrow I have other plans with a different friend to go  to another yoga class.  So it can be done – I can stick to my goals and still come out of the house.

Because in the end, I want to get to this pre-op goal way more than I want to eat carbs. And since I don’t do well in the blurred gray areas, it’s much better for me in the short term to just stick to this strict diet, reach my goal of 266, get the surgery scheduled, and maintain that weight loss until surgery.

I hate predicting goal dates, but I’m feeling like I need to “put it out there” in order for me to manifest it. So I’m going to follow what’s been predicted by MyFitnessPal and say that I’d like to get to 266 by the beginning of November, which is 7-8 weeks. Which is a little more than 3 lbs a week. For someone my weight, this is absolutely do-able, especially following the type of diet I am.

A big thank you to all that commented on that choices post. Your feedback and honesty really helped me know what I needed to do.

My next weigh-in post will be at the beginning of October because I want to keep these posts consistent with when I call into Kaiser’s Bariatric dept. with my progress.  Even thought it won’t be too far from today, I’m hoping to show another drop on the scale and be solidly in the 280s by then.  No need to wish me luck because I have my mind set that it WILL happen.

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A Major Desision – VSG

I’ve alluded to this a few times in the past couple of weeks, but I realized that I hadn’t actually written a whole post on the subject, so since I’m in the mood to write tonight, I figured I’d make sure you guys were in the loop.

As you know, last July I decided to get WLS and since I’d heard such great things about Lap Band, I knew that was the surgery for me.  Then I met with the surgeon and he was adamantly opposed to Lap Band, mentioning all of the drawbacks:

• It is the newest of the WLS, and as such, long term information is unknown.
• Because there is a foreign object in your body, it can be rejected.
• There can be scarring and/or erosion.
• While the Lap Band is “removable” it isn’t really “reversible.”  The damage that occurs many times cannot be corrected.
• We have no idea how long the band itself will last – it may need to be replaced in my lifetime, meaning another surgery.

The surgeon highly recommended that I got with either the VSG or the Gastric Bypass.  I told him then and there that GB was too invasive, but that I’d look into VSG.  And then I really didn’t do anything more.  I had it in my head that I knew what was best for me, and that was Lap Band.  Why I thought I knew better than the surgeon, I can’t tell you.  I don’t think of myself as a stubborn or hard-headed person, but for some reason, I was dead set on getting the Lap Band and I didn’t want to hear anything negative about it.

I’m actually really glad that I’ve had this year in between (although the impatient side of me wishes I’d already had the surgery), because I’ve come to decide against having the Lap Band.  It all started with Scale Warfare’s post about the pros and cons of Lap Band vs. VSG.  That post really got me thinking about what I was doing.

• Why did I think Lap Band was so much better?
• Why were there so many people on the WLS forums who were so disappointed with Lap Band and/or who had such complications?
• If SW was having these kinds of doubts, shouldn’t I also take a look at the logic behind my decision?
• Why wasn’t I heeding my surgeon’s advice?

And that final question really put me over the edge.  Of course I should listen to the professional.  My surgeon has performed thousands of procedures, seen thousands of patients, and knows the risks and drawbacks of each surgery.  So I started doing my own research and came across this very informative video that explains the differences between the two surgeries:

And after really reading up on the VSG procedure, visiting the online forums for both types of WLS, and watching tons of videos on YouTube from people who had had the VSG, I have decided to get that instead of Lap Band.  Some interesting differences:

• Most of the weight loss occurs in the first 6 months post-op.  Which means that if I have 120 pounds to lose, I’ll lose 90-100 pounds in 6 months.
• The only real complication with VSG is that the staples used to seal the smaller stomach don’t heal properly and leak.  But if I follow the advice of the surgeon, this won’t be an issue.  A couple of weeks post-op, they do a “leak test” and if all goes well that’s it.  There really aren’t other types of complications that can occur.
• The healing process takes longer, about a month or so.  I’m unsure how much work I would miss, but I have over 36 sick days, so I’m not worried about it.
• Food is reintroduced at a slower pace, but once I’m back on “real food,” there are very few restrictions to my diet, other than portion size.  Obviously sugar and fat should be kept to a minimum/avoided.  And no bubbly stuff (i.e. beer, champagne, sparkling water, etc).

Now that I’ve made this decision and I’m more well informed on the VSG surgery, I’m more motivated than ever to lose the required weight and get on the list for the surgery.  It’s amazing to think that it could happen later this year and that I could be my skinnier self by next year at this time. 

I’m so ready to just get it done.  To stop planning and hoping and researching and anticipating and just start LIVING!

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Why so judgy? WLS is a TOOL like any other.

I want to start out by saying how appreciative I am that the people who comment on my blog are so open-minded and supportive of me (as I am of them).  I feel so lucky to have people like you in my life.  I also feel really glad that all of my friends and family (and co-workers who know, for that matter) are truly positive people who are want the best for me, have followed me through this weight loss journey, and never give up on me.

Which is why I was so upset yesterday when I saw this Tweet from Jillian Michaels:

This sucks. There are long term solutions out there that are safer and cheaper. DIET, SELF EXPLORATION, EXERCISE.”

And then she linked to this article, discussing the fact that an FDA panel lowered the required weight for people to qualify for lap band surgery.

Now I wouldn’t expect Jillian to come out and say that she was in favor of this, because her whole schtick is that people can lose weight through diet and exercise.  And that is true, to an extent, for most people.  But even she has to admit that many contestants on the Biggest Loser gain their weight back because they fall into old habits, can’t maintain the training schedule, never dealt with the causes of their weight, etc.

And Jillian wasn’t the only one – another person I follow on Twitter, who I actually really admire for her positive attitude, RT’d someone else who linked to the article and said, “Ugh! Lap band surgery doesn’t help in the long term unless ppl address the issues ..in the 1st place.”  And that argument is true of anyone trying to lose weight by any method, so why get so bent out of shape about the Lap Band?

It’s because people see the Lap Band, or any weight loss surgery as taking the easy way out.  As putting yourself at risk by undergoing a surgery when “you can do it with diet and exercise, if you’re dedicated enough.”  And that’s true for some people, but not all.  So why is it a problem?  How does my getting Lap Band surgery affect you in any way?  Would you be as upset if someone was getting open-heart surgery?  Or how about back surgery?  How is it different?  Because more likely than not, the reason the people need the back surgery is due to weight.  Same for the heart surgery.  (Sure there are other genetic or disease-related reasons, but in many cases, poor diet and excess weight are major causes of heart and back issues).

Lab Band surgery isn’t something that someone goes into lightly.  There are so many requirements and processes in place, that you really have to commit to changing your lifestyle before you ever undergo the surgery.  And even for those who are “cash pays” and don’t go through insurance, I’m sure no one walks into a surgery center on a whim and walks out a few hours later with the surgery.  That’s not how it works.

Speaking for myself, I have grappled with the idea of weight loss surgery for more than 5 years.  I have tried losing weight on my own, and I can lose the weight, but keeping it off is the problem.  And that’s why I finally considered Lap Band surgery, after months of careful consideration, weighing the risks and benefits.

The people that I know who have had WLS, including Lap Band surgery, all had to completely change their lifestyle in order to be successful.  They eat healthier, smaller portions, but they also incorporate exercise into their daily routines.  They’re no different than anyone else who’s trying to lose weight, except they’ve had surgery to gain a tool to help them.

The Lap Band is one tool that can help people keep track of portion sizes, but it only works if you commit to a healthier lifestyle – eating smaller portions and exercising.  No different from anyone else, only you have this piece of plastic in your stomach that gives you a little help in feeling full so that you won’t overeat.  It stops you, even if you can’t stop yourself.  A built-in reminder that you’ve reached your satiety point.

And what’s wrong with that?  Nothing. I think it’s great that the FDA has recommended lowering the weight limit.  More people can get healthier, live longer, and enjoy their life.  Again, not a thing wrong with that, in my book.

WLS isn’t for everyone, but why knock others who have tried everything else and see this as a final option?  How does someone else getting surgery hurt you?  Does it take away from your journey?  Does it make them weak in your eyes?  And if that’s what you feel, I would challenge the you to stop judging other people and start thinking about why someone else’s decision affects you so much.

Open your mind and your heart will follow.

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Update, Decisions, and Changes

After spending several days processing everything, I am finally ready to let you guys in on what’s been going on with me.  I debated whether or not to include this information on the blog, because I know that everyone is going to have their own opinions, and while I value hearing others’ views, I really don’t want or need any criticism about the decisions I’ve made.  At the same time, I have always been very open and honest on this blog because I want to document my weight loss journey – the good, the bad, and the frustrating.  And I’m not about to change that now, just because I would rather not read negative comments.

Thursday I went to the doctor because I’ve been getting really bad headaches every day for weeks now. I thought it was allergy/sinus related, but it turns out my blood pressure is really high. High enough for the doctor to be “very concerned.” (In all that she was about to tell me, I forgot to even ask what the actual blood pressure was, if you can believe it. I think I was in shock).

Anyway, she said that she believed my blood pressure was so high due to my weight. My feet have also been getting really swollen lately, and she commented on that was well. She said that the headaches and swollen feet are an indication of high blood pressure, and it was serious enough that I needed to get on blood pressure medication.  Just to be sure that it wasn’t allergies, she did prescribe a nasal spray for me to take for a week, but she said that she wanted me to come back in one week (when the nasal spray would have alleviated the allergies) and if my blood pressure was still high, she was going to put me on the blood pressure medication.  I really couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  Although I’ve been obese since high school, I have never truly had a medical problem because of my weight.  This was a shock to my system to know that I have finally gotten to the point that I need to take medicine due to complications regarding my obesity.

As you guys might remember, I have gone to my doctor before, expressing my frustration at the lack of progress with my weight loss.  For someone who is fairly diligent with weighing and measuring food, tracking what I eat, and getting in activity, I have seen relatively little progress for the last two years.  Sure, I’m not perfect 100% of the time, but for the amount of effort that I put in, I should see more progress by now.  Many of you compliment me on my perseverance, but I have to be honest and tell you that it’s extremely hard to keep a positive outlook when the progress is so minor.

But back to the doctor. Six months ago when I expressed this frustration (and was brought to tears as I talked about it), she told me that I had to be patient. That I couldn’t expect the results to happen overnight.  Which is what I’ve been trying to do.  But Thursday she was concerned enough with my blood pressure and my lack of progress in terms of losing weight that she suggested that she’d like me to consider having bariatric surgery. I told her that I didn’t want to do gastric bypass, because it was too invasive, and she said that she would recommend the lap band procedure. She signed me up to attend an informational meeting so that I could find out more about the entire process, and she said that if I felt it was something I could do, she would definitely refer me.  She also said that Kaiser has an entire process and procedure with any weight loss surgery.  “They’re only going to approve you for the surgery if they feel you’re going to be successful with it.  They’re not like some of the other private places that will approve anyone because they’re interested in getting your money.  Kaiser has a team of doctors that will evaluate you, including a psychologist, nutritionist, and surgeons who will ensure that this is the best solution for you.”

I was just shocked that it’s come to this. I always looked at weight loss surgery as sort of giving up (not that I’m judging anyone who’s had it, just for me). I always thought that if I put my mind to it, and ate well and exercised I should be able to lose the weight on my own.

The thing is, I have been dieting on and off since jr. high to no real result. And I know that each time I diet, lose weight, and regain it, I am slowing down my metabolism even more. At this point I think my metabolism is so destroyed that the lap band surgery may be the thing that I need to do to get myself to a healthy weight once and for all.

That’s what I meant when I said that it was something that is making me rethink everything. I know it’s going to be a huge shift in lifestyle, but I do think I’m ready for it. My #1 goal for years now has been to lose weight, and I just can’t seem to make it happen.  I realize that lap band surgery is just a tool to help control portions, and not a magical surgery that will guarantee weight loss.  One of my friends had the lap band surgery 2 years ago, and she has only lost 20 pounds.  Admittedly, she hasn’t follow the “rules” outlined as part of the new lifestyle and food restrictions that go along with the lap band surgery, and actually has it “opened” all the way up, so she hasn’t utilized it the way that it should be.  So, I have a very real cautionary tale to show that the surgery itself is not a miracle fix for obesity.  Having a lap band still requires hard work, healthy eating, and exercise.

I’ve spent every day since Thursday thinking about what having the surgery would mean, researching the process and procedure online, and watching tons of YouTube videos made by people who have had the lap band procedure done.  It’s been really good to see the realities of life with the lap band.  The average weight loss is 1-2 pounds a week, so it’s not a drastic weight loss by any means.  It does require a special diet, especially in the first couple of weeks after the band gets “filled” to be tighter around the stomach.  But by and large you can still eat lots of different types of foods, and it’s not as much of a dietary restriction as the gastric bypass is.  I’ve discussed all of this with my family, and they completely support the decision to find out more information about the lap band and eventually seek approval for the procedure.

I am so thankful that I went to the doctor when these headaches persisted, because I listened to my body and was able to catch a dangerous health risk before it got more serious.  I am approaching the lap band process with an open mind, and I look forward to finding out more when I go to the informational meeting in July.  This isn’t going to be a 1-2-3 process.  From what I’ve read (although I will find out for sure in July), the process takes 6 months during which time I’ll be attending educational classes, requires me to show that I can lose 20 pounds on my own by following a suggested nutrition plan, and involves lots of different physical and psychological exams.  Kaiser will cover the surgery because it is a health risk, but they also want to make sure that the patient understands the risks, knows the lifestyle commitment, and is full informed about the entire process. Which makes me feel very comfortable.

My Weight Loss Plan Moving Forward

One of the main things I’m trying to do right now is stay calm and alleviate stress as much as I can.  I’ve thought long and hard about what this means in terms of my weight loss efforts at this point, and I’ve come to some decisions and changes that I plan to make.

• I’m going to continue to track my food using WW eTools, but I’m going to approach it in a more intuitive eating manner, rather than being overly obsessed with the number of Points I’m eating.
• My food choices are going to revolve around eating a balanced diet of protein, dairy, fruits & veggies, and whole grains, as they have for the last year or so.
• I am going to continue to live an active lifestyle, incorporating a variety of methods in order to keep exercise fun so that I’ll look forward to it each day. One of the ways I’m going to be active is by joining Scale Warfare’s EA Sports Active Challenge, maybe you should too.
• I will continue to write on this blog. I considered taking a hiatus from it, but I love writing too much to give it up.

Changes to the Blog

• I’ll still keep you guys updated on my weight loss journey, but I’m going to be writing more about the fun and interesting things that happen in my life that don’t revolve around weight loss.  I’ve been feeling obsessed/single-minded for the last couple of years, and it’s time to start living life and not focusing so narrowly on weight loss.
• I’m not going to write weekly weigh-in posts anymore, at least until the summer is over.  I’ll still be monitoring my weight, but I don’t want to post about it anymore.  I put so much pressure on myself when I lose “too little” or gain “some,” and I just don’t want to focus on that anymore.  I want to use the fit of my clothes to be more of an indicator than the display on the scale.
• I’m not going to write in such a regimented or planned way anymore.  No more designations for topics based on days of the week (i.e. Fitness Fridays).  I’m going to write posts as the mood strikes, and not because I feel that I “have” to.

What won’t change is that I will still need and want your support, encouragement, and comments.  I will still keep reading everyone’s blogs because they’re so inspirational and motivational to me.  I am looking forward to the positive changes that I’m making in my life and on this blog. I feel such a sense of peace and contentment.

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