The distance is nothing. It’s only the first step that’s important.” – Marquise Du Deffand
Tonight I had another TNT track training. Forget the fact that it was drizzly outside, I wasn’t looking forward to tonight’s practice because they were going to time it. They said they wanted to get our baseline beginning speeds.
Ugh. It was reminiscent of jr. high gym class when you had to be in relay teams.
The whole time I was walking the mile, I kept saying to myself, “I hope I’m not last, I hope I’m not last.” I was pushing myself to go as fast as I could go without having too much pain. They told us what our time was at each lap, and and each lap I lost a bit more speed.
As I rounded the 4th lap, the one-mile finish line, I was dead last. By a lot. My time was 18:59, which is actually a really good time for me. But I was LAST. Everyone cheered me on and told me how great I did. “Lookin’ good.” “Way to go, Bella!” “You look beautiful out there – great arms!” They complimented my “sticktoitiveness” and asked how my feet were doing. (No swelling tonight, thank goodness). No matter what accolades they gave me, I just kept thinking to myself, “you lost, you came in last.”
Then I did the cool down lap and got very emotional halfway through. As the tears formed, I thought of my uncle, in whose honor I’m doing the race. I also thought of all the people that have contributed money in support of my goal of competing in the half marathon. I reminded myself that no matter how far behind the others I was tonight, I was a lot faster than I’ve been before. So many people are supporting me in this effort through their donations and through their good thoughts, and I don’t want to let them down. I won’t let them down by coming in last at a practice, I’ll let them down if I let negative thoughts derail my progress.
I spoke to my parents on my way home in the car, and both of them were impressed with my time. When I broke down crying, complaining about the fact that I was last (I know, I know, can I get any more like a jr. high kid?) they both told me to stop it. That I should be so proud of myself, because they were proud of me, and that there was no where to go but up. Which is so true.
My time tonight was much better than my time on Saturday, and the more I practice, the more I will improve. I really have to try not to let this get to me as much as it does. I need to let my competitive side work for me, not against me. The people who are practicing with me might be twice my age, but all of them are far more fit than I am, and many of them have trained for numerous other races. I’m a beginner, and I can’t expect to be perfect out of the gate.
I walked two miles tonight; two Wednesdays ago I wasn’t walking at all. That’s awesome progress, if you think about it!
As the quote says, the first step is what’s important. Tonight was my first step, and even if I keep coming in last, as long as I complete the task in front of me, I have to be proud I took it.
Bella on the Beach 
I completely understand your feelings. When I go to the gym, I hate when someone else gets on the treadmill beside me because then I start feeling all competitive. And because I can’t keep up, I start feeling stupid for only being able to go 3.2 or 3.3 miles per hour (walking as fast as my legs will let me), and the person next to me is doing a brisk 4.0 mph and not even breaking a sweat. I have to remind myself to go at MY pace and do what I can and that it’s NOT a race, it’s for my health.
I love how you phrased it: I won’t let them down by coming in last at a practice, I’ll let them down if I let negative thoughts derail my progress.
I can apply that to my own situation as well. Thanks for that reminder!
Bella, you inspire me. My walking pace right now is 2.8 mph. I once did a 5K after losing 40 lbs. All the other participants completed the race and, not only was I last, 2 girls who finished when I was only 2/3rd’s done did the rest of the course with me. I couldn’t believe that I was so slow. But you know what, I was just proud of doing a 5K.
You will do the race and finish it. There will be many more races to work on your time. Keep on trucking:-)
You are doing so well and should be very proud of yourself!
For what it’s worth, I came in dead last in my first 10K and was even offered a ride by a policeman. The best part was the motorcycle cop who was supposed to follow up at the end of the pack. He idled along a few feet behind me for the entire first mile. Another highlight was when they asked if I would mind continuing my walking on the sidewalk rather than the road so that they could stop blocking traffic. This was despite the fact that they had stated that the course would be open for a certain amount of time, and that time had not yet expired. I was pretty upset about it for a little while, but later changed my tune when I arrived at sort of the same place that I think you have arrived with your thinking.
That was 3 years ago. I ran a 10K last spring and wasn’t last at all. It does get better with practice. I can vouch for that loudly and personally! You are going to do a great job, and you have such a touching motivation for your participation. Pat yourself on the back and just keep going!! I’m cheering for you!
I’m proud of you girl! You are making your uncle so proud, and me too! I’m so happy you persevered….Don’t give up!
CTLB, thank you. This comment means more than you know. I’m finding that this whole TNT process is very emotional for me. It’s a good thing though, because I’m pushing myself to do things that I wouldn’t normally do. Thank you so much for your support!!
honey,
you are fabulous. I mean that.
and btw..once i read this post this morning, i dusted off my sneakers and took myself out for my first training walk!!
Thank you. Really, Thank you.
xo
I feel your pain! I just started taking boxing classes at a boxing gym – my first day I wanted to cry and run away. And throw up because it was so hard and I am so out of shape, and WAY larger than the other women there. I didn’t go back for several weeks. But now I keep going back and it’s getting a little better. And I feel so good after. Of course I hurt for 3 days, but it’s a good hurt 🙂
I think you’re doing an incredible job – I’ve been lurking for some time and your blog is one that helped encourage me to start mine again. Keep up the good work!