I’ve spent a long time thinking these past few days. Reflecting on my great uncle’s life, thinking about my own mortality, and coming to a few hard truths that up until this point I have never been able to admit to myself, let alone anyone else.
I have an eating disorder. It’s called Binge Eating Disorder, and I’ve been doing it since elementary school. I’ve been ashamed to admit it, and as I write these words, I have tears in my eyes. No one in my real life knows about this, and I’m not sure I’m ready to tell anyone. I feel that the behavior is really shameful. Although, if one of you wrote that you had this trouble, I would never judge you. Isn’t it strange how we are so hard on ourselves?
I don’t binge eat every day, but I do it often enough that it completely derails any progress I’ve had. I can go whole weeks without doing it, and then something sets me off and I’m at it again. It happened last night. I know exactly why it started for me when I was a little girl, although I’m not sure I’m ready to discuss that here. Nothing terrible like abuse of any sort. But still, I’m not at the point of being that open on this public site. I’ve alluded to this in previous posts when I’ve said that I feel out of control or I’m spiraling down, or I’m on a rollercoaster, but I’ve never come outright and said it to this extent. While I know when and why it started way back when, I have no idea how to stop it or really how to control it, because I don’t know why I do it now. I just have this need to do it sometimes.
Part of the reason that I am finally able to admit to this behavior is that I just finished reading a book called Eating Heaven, by Jennie Shortridge, in which the main character struggles with this same disorder. I saw so much of myself in her and I finally had to name it. To give it a voice.
I’m finally saying something because I need your help. I don’t want you to think that I’ve been lying to all of you, because I haven’t. I have done all of the things I’ve said I’ve done. I am doing RLR. I do go to workout with a personal trainer. I do track my food in WW. I do send Scale Warfare nightly emails with my food journal. (I add in the food that I binge on after I send the journal to SW. Sometimes the next morning, when I make a new vow not to do it again, which I later break). I am the person that you’ve come to “know.” I also just have this shameful secret.
Where do I go from here? I’m really not sure. I’m going to see if I can get some help. Talk to someone. Because this is a deep-rooted issue for me and I know that until I’m able to truly get it under control and stop doing it, I’ll never be healthy. This year is all about taking ACTION, and finally coming clean to everyone (including myself) about my bingeing is the a huge step.
Any advice would be great. I know some of you also suffer from this, and I’d love to know how you overcame it. How you control it.