Tonya commented on my last post, and was very honest about the fact that after reading this blog for over a year, she sees a pattern. She took a risk, because she wasn’t sure how I’d react to so much honesty, but I am so glad she did. It was exactly what I needed to begin to figure things out.
She’s absolutely right about that pattern. I get gung-ho about something, do well for a few weeks, sabotage & fail, only to try something new, and repeat it all, including the failing part. If you look back over this blog and read it from the beginning, you’ll see the same thing. Over and over and over again.
But it’s not just with dieting. I’ve done similar things in my life away from dieting, too. Not quite as quickly, but I’ve done it with jobs, with cars, with apartments, and with friends.
When I was in college and had part-time jobs to help pay for credit card bills and going out money (I lived at home throughout college, and was lucky enough to have my parents pay for college, as well as all of my essentials), I would give the job my all, but once I started to see that the boss was unfair, or the requirements would make me choose between school and work, or whatever… I would get a different job and quit the first one. I thought it helped make me a well-rounded person, because I’ve had so many different kinds of jobs and worked with so many different sorts of people, and I could bring those real-world experiences into the next job and ultimately to my career. Even teaching follows that same pattern. When I first began teaching I was in a bad placement (for me) where I was dealing with highly “at-risk” students who had been former gang members, had been in juvenile hall, etc. It was much more emotionally draining than I ever expected and rather than teaching the literature that I loved so dearly, I was helping to teach them about life. But at 23 and 24 years old, I could barely figure life out for myself, let alone trying to guide others through it, so I decided to stop. I didn’t simply stop teaching there, but I stopped teaching altogether. I got the opportunity to work at Yahoo! and have never regretted that decision, because experiencing the Silicon Valley “boom” was one of the best things I’ve ever done in life. And the I lived out a lifelong dream of living in The City (San Francisco) and working at a law firm. (In high school and college I had gone back and forth about whether I wanted to teach high school English or become a lawyer. So I thought I’d try my hand at seeing how a law firm operated so that I could decide whether I wanted to invest the time and money it would take to go to law school). After 5 years away from it, I went back to teaching. But I moved around a bit, because I didn’t want to find myself in the wrong placement again. So I was at 3 different schools in as many years, but rather than thinking of myself as flighty, I think I was smart. I knew that I would eventually find the perfect fit for me. And I have. I’ve been at my current school for over 7 years and I love it.
People are always amazed at how many different cars I’ve had. I’m not. I don’t get overly attached to cars, and sometimes they serve their purpose and then you’re done with them. Or you get into an accident and they get totaled. Or you go through an awful relationship where the person steals from you to pay for a drug habit and you don’t have enough money to pay the loan and it gets repossessed (mid-20s). I’ve had 11 cars in the 23 years that I’ve been driving. Some would call that excessive; I just call it variety. Although I love this convertible Beetle to death and I don’t see myself changing cars anytime soon.
As much as I love nesting and putting down roots, I have lived in a ton of different apartments since moving out of my parents house after college. For quite a stretch I’d move every single year when my current lease was up. I saw it as a way to find the right setting, to figure out which neighborhood I wanted to live in. To find the right combination of amenities, rent, and neighborhood. Until I realized the moving sucks, and that I wanted to start creating a home for myself, not just an apartment. I lived in the last place for 4 years, and plan on staying at this one until my life takes a drastic turn (marriage, etc).
I’ve done the same thing with my friends. Now I have some friends that I’ve known since high school who will be my friends forever. And I have other friends that I’ve met in the last few years that feel like old friends as soon as I meet them, and I know we’re going to be friends forever. But then there are those people that I’ve met through work, through rekindling old ties, through mutual interest that I don’t keep for very long. I get very interested in them at the beginning, and spend a lot of time with them, and then they do something that disappoints me, or shows me who they really are or that we really didn’t have as much in common as I originally thought, and I cool things off. “Break up” with them, as it were.
See, the pattern extends beyond dieting. And I don’t think it makes me a flighty person. I think I’m someone who isn’t afraid to give her whole heart to something or someone. I jump in head first. But at the same time, I’m not stupid, so once I see that something (or someone) isn’t meeting my needs, I move on to the next thing. And in many cases, doing that was the right thing to do. And I do eventually find the thing that fits me well.
I know that one reason this pattern continues is my intensity. I can’t maintain my all or nothing attitude forever. And when I’m not perfect (or the job isn’t what I expected, or I get bored of the car, or I want to live somewhere else, or the person has shown me they aren’t who I perceived them to be), when I’ve failed (or the thing or person has failed my expectations), I stop. I move on, start over, etc.
My relationship with my family is something that never waivers, through all my trials and errors of everything else in life. My long-standing friendships are the same way. And look at Lulu. Sure times were tough when she was going through potty training. There are still moments that are difficult, but I would never in a million years think about giving her up. I love her more than I knew I could. My love and loyalty has been rewarded with these relationships, so I’m able to maintain them over the long haul.
Also, I quit smoking and haven’t looked back since. I’m very proud to say that it’s been over 3 1/2 months (110 days, to be exact!) that I’ve been smoke free. It was difficult and every now and then I get a bit of a twinge, but overall, I stuck to it, and have been successful. So I can do it.
Even with dieting, Scale Warfare and I have been sending each other daily emails every morning with the previous day’s food journal. We’ve done this almost every single morning for over a year without fail. And in doing so, we’ve become such close friends and dieting partners. Our support of each other is unwavering, even though our attempts at weight loss might be.
So how do I sustain this healthy lifestyle long enough to see success? Because from the examples above I can see that once I feel successful (have my love reciprocated, feel appreciated at work, love my living environment, achieve my end goal), I continue with something. I will give it my all – give it every bit of me – until I’ve completed the task and met the goal.
This is where I need your help. I obviously don’t have the answers, because if I did, I’d be to goal by now. I am committed to undergoing the lap band surgery, because I know it is the tool that will help me be successful with losing and keeping the weight off. And I need to lose over 30 pounds in order to get on the list to be scheduled for the surgery. So please, offer any suggestions that you think are appropriate for how I can lose those 30 pounds the most efficiently (quickly, yet safely).
MargieAnne suggested that perhaps the 1200 calorie/day plan was too restrictive. Although that’s the one that Kaiser outlined for me to follow and I wanted to do my best to do as they asked of me, maybe MargieAnne is right, especially for this time of year. I think for the month of December I’ll go to 1400-1600 calories per day, but in easing up on the calorie intake, I want to make sure to get in my 4 hard workouts a week. And then in January I will go full steam ahead with something, whether it’s Slim Fast or something else is To Be Determined.
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And as far as Tonya’s secondary comment about talking to a professional to figure some of this out, as luck would have it, my sister is coming over today, so I can talk to her about all of this. LC is a licensed, clinical social worker. She holds a BS in Psychology, as well as a Masters in Social Work, with an emphasis in Family Counseling (MFCC). Who better to try to help me sort all of this out?
Bella on the Beach 
This dates me a bit, I’ve read your blog for many many years. What about doing medfast again? I remember you had really good results with that, though I remember what a mess it was when you stopped (which shocked me as much as it shocked you I think).
But if you were thinking about doing something very short term just for quick results (though obviously safe), like hcg drops that you mentioned, maybe you could do that again? I understand completely why kaiser doesn’t want you doing something like that, but I honestly think once you lose the weight, you’ll be able to maintain. You already know so much about eating well, that I think you’ll maintain well.
Whatever you decide, I’m sure you’ll find something that works to get you into surgery.
Carina, the Medifast is a great idea, but just EXPENSIVE! The Slimfast would be basically the same concept, which is why I’m leaning towards it.
Whatever you choose to do will only work if you do it. It doesn’t matter which diet, plan, exercise program, or gadget you choose, if you don’t actually do it, you won’t see results.
Are you really sticking to 1200 calories 100% of the time? 80% adherence won’t get you where you want to go. That’s why Medifast worked for you at the beginning–you probably stuck to it 100% of the time, and so you saw results. How many days now do you say you will exercise but find any excuse not to? How many days out of a typical month do you exceed the calorie limit you set for yourself? Switching to a new program is not the answer if you haven’t actually been following the one you’re on.
So I don’t think upping your calories, allowing yourself special occasions, or telling yourself you’ll get back on track after New Years’ is a good idea. All that tinkering is just beating around the bush, repeating the same exact cycle that you’ve been on for years. You know what you need to do–for one month, starting tomorrow, eat clean–cut out all sugar, processed food, “non-food”, stuff that comes out of a box, etc. Stick to lean meats, veggies, fruits, and nuts. For every. single. meal. No alcohol, no sugar, no grains (no whining, it’s just for one month). The holidays are not a good enough reason to cheat given how high you have set your goals.
You have really high goals, so you have to approach them with much higher than average determination. It’s not easy to lose 30 lbs, and that’s why you need to be on plan 100% of the time to really get there. Commit for the next 30 days to clean eating with not. one. cheat. I guarantee at the end of the 30 days, you will have lost weight and you will feel proud of yourself such that you will want to keep going. Hide the scale for one month too, because if you weigh yourself the first week and don’t see results, you might get down on yourself and go off plan. You’ve got to stick it through for a whole 30 days, because you are right that seeing results/achieving a mini-goal will fuel you to keep going. So just do it–challenge yourself to a month of clean eating at the hardest time of the year.
Robb, let’s think about this. You want 100% adherence from me, but expect me to do it at the most difficult time of the year. That’s not setting myself up for failure at all, right?
Some of what you said resonates with me, which is why I approved your comment. So I’m going to take what I like (sticking to something 100%, giving it higher than average determination), and I’m going to leave the rest.
@Bella- Yeah, I get the feeling that Robb is not a person who struggles with weight or he would be more sympathetic to how crazy the idea is that you can cut out processed foods and sugar during a month when you are going to be eating out at restaurants or family’s homes at least a couple times.
Have you thought about doing Weight Watchers? They just came out with a new plan today that takes carbs into account, and for me personally redicing refined carbs was the only thing that really got my weight loss going.
WW is a plan I’m VERY familiar with. I think it’s an excellent program, but not one that’s worked for me.
It sounds like they’re doing some interesting new things, though.
Hi. I suggested maybe that 1200 cals are tough going and this leads to a tendency to go off the rails and when you do you go too high, and undo lots of good work. I notice most successful losers choose around 1400. 1200 cals are reasonably easy if you strictly restrict carbohydrates and go sugar free. Rob’s suggestion will work.
Be prepared for maybe a few days feeling off at the beginning.
And you will work it out.
Don’t worry about all the changes you make because they are your way of living and finding your niche in life, but there is a danger in becoming a person who starts new things all the time and loses the ability to become steady and reliable. That doesn’t look like your problem.
The first time I went coffee free I thought through very carefully and planned my alternatives. it’s so much easier now with all the different herbal/fruit infusions. The same goes for the coming season of feasting. Plan ahead what will acceptably fit into your eating program. Instead of rich desserts fill up on meat with jus rather than thickened sauce, and leafy green veggies. I have this dilemma also and am thinking about what my festive meals will look like. For me all sweets and desserts must be off the menu because of the way I react to sugar and other carbs. I am already trying to get my mind settled on the idea that I will pass up on anything starchy or sweet. OOps this has got too long.
All the best as you work it through. I believe you will find what you are looking for and before long you will see the change you want.
Blessings
I think one possible thing is working out. I’m 40 and there is just no easy way around not gaining any weight except to work my ass off. It isn’t always easy, and it certainly isn’t always fun. But it’s the only way (along with eating “well”) that you burn a lot of calories. I think it’s been hard for you to stick to because it hasn’t become fully integrated into your life yet. What I mean by that is it’s still kind of sucks a lot to do it. But there comes a point where it just sucks a little bit more NOT to do it, so you almost can’t help yourself. And I’m not talking about just doing 30 minutes on wii fit. I’ve done some of those programs for fun and it’s a decent workout but unfortunately I think you have to put in that much more of an effort.
The big question is how do we get you to do that and really stick to it, because I think you probably already know deep down this is a big part of why you haven’t seen the results yet. And that’s why I suggested talking to someone. I’m not sure what is holding you back. But I hope that you do find the answers there. The rest is just basic science. Make sense?
Bella, I am just now getting to comment even though I read your last few blogs over the weekend. Blasted internet issues at my parents’ place!
I have SO. MUCH. RESPECT. for the fact that you are laying this all out on the table. The horrible comment from that douche-bag. Your so-called “friend” who for some reason felt the need to share it with you. And all of the emotions and questions and fear and doubt and shame that comes along with a long struggle with weight and how people view you. So KUDOS to you – THIS right here is why you are going to conquer the demon that is your weight. I have no doubt about that.
That’s most of what I’ve got for you. I have a lot of other thoughts. I think you should commit 100% to strength training three days per week no matter what it takes. And at least two other workouts, too. I think you totally CAN get through the holidays without overindulging as long as you approach each event with a plan. I don’t know if the short-term “tool” you will use should be HCG or SlimFast or whatever, but I DO know you can do this. And I also know you KNOW all the stuff I can tell you.
So my point with this novel-length comment is this: You know what to do, and you don’t need me telling you. However, you DO seem to doubt yourself, so maybe you need me to tell you that I don’t doubt you; not for a second. Do what you know, and believe in yourself as much as I do, and you will achieve your goals.
Thank you. You, my dear, are what a true friend is.
I think you’re right about the strength training. I’m doing 2 days/week now, but I could easily up that to 3 without too much interruption in my schedule.
You can’t change, what you don’t acknowledge. You’ve taken a big step in the right direction. After reading this post, it seems like you get bored easily. Come up with a plan, and stick to it, but throw new challenges, goals, and exercises in there to keep you excited and interested.
Robb and Tonya are absolutely correct. And we all need to hear a little of that tough love sometimes.
I had lost a good amount of weight and now it is creeping back on. I tell myself that I am doing everything just as I did when I lost it but deep down I know that just is not true. Those little concessions I keep allowing myself are adding up. I am going back to the basics and cleaning up my eating. No holiday cookie or piece of pie is worth the way I feel right now with those extra pounds that have come back. Thank you to Robb and Tonya.
Bella…we can do this. Lets really make December count and start the new year a little ahead of the game instead of that much more behind.
(Oh, and I’d dump the negative friend. I had to drop a couple of friends because of that. It’s sad to have to do that but it just isn’t worth what those kind of people can do to your outlook and attitude.)