This morning I took a huge step toward making sure that this statement is true for me. I made a therapy appointment.
This is big news for me for a few reasons. First because for the longest time I viewed therapy as something that helped other people but just “wasn’t for me.” And then I took the groundbreaking step of meeting with a therapist late last summer and got a few insights into my disordered eating. But I didn’t keep up the appointments because I really didn’t like the therapist that much after I met with him a couple of times. He seemed to focus more on the way he thought I should eat (he didn’t like the 1200 calorie Kaiser diet), rather than the reasons why I overate. Plus, he related everything to himself, which seemed more than slightly narcissistic, but what do I know.
And since that time, I’ve been struggling quite a bit with disordered eating. I’d hold it together during the day and then come home in the afternoon and eat way too much. Or I’d leave work on a Friday afternoon and hit the grocery store like an addict hits the corner looking for her drug of choice. It’s been anything but healthy, even if the food I am eating during these binges is. For every pound or two I’d lose, I’d gain another 4 in one weekend, then work those off, only to gain them back again. It’s been an ugly cycle for a while now, and if I hope to make my Birthday Goals, I need it to stop.
Even this week I’ve been off, when I’ve had all the time in the world to workout, has left me feeling really blah and lazy. I’ve worked out a bit, but nothing compared to what I could or should be. And while I haven’t had any really bad episodes, I have found myself eating out of boredom several times.
When I went to that Healthy Eating class the other week at Kaiser, they had us fill out a self-evaluation to determine which of their many weight-related resources would be best suited for us. And my results said that I should take the Food for Thought class (all about binge eating) before attempting to lose weight. Which really hit home for me.
After all, I’ve been trying to meet the surgeon’s weight requirement for the WLS since August 2010 a goal (45 lbs) that I should have easily reached by now. I know how to eat right, I know how to keep exercise fun so that I do it on a regular basis. But the fact that I am an emotional eater pushes that goal further out of reach each time. Which is frustrating, and the endless cycle drags me down and makes me feel lousy.
So, it’s time to delve into those scary recesses of my mind to figure out other ways of coping with stress, boredom and whatever else causes me to eat my troubles away. Taking such an inward journey is never easy, but if I can learn how to stop disordered eating, it will be well worth it. Because the WLS is a tool to help me with portions of food that I eat, but it’s not a surgery that will work on my mind. Only I can do that.
It’s a relief to begin this work, and I’m so grateful that they had an opening for me tomorrow afternoon. Because turning to food when I feel out of control and stressed is just a symptom of a greater problem that I am going to need help figuring out. I’m tired of feeling like I’m living two lives. Like I’m keeping up some sort of facade. I feel ashamed of myself too often, and I’m worth more than the way that I’ve been treating myself. I’m really ready and open to work with a new therapist. I know I want to meet with her one-on-one, but maybe taking the Food For Thought group session/class would be worthwhile, as well. I’ll definitely make sure to update you with what we decide.
Writing this post was really difficult for me, because it’s admitting a major weakness. But I finally realized that in order to get stronger, to become whole, I have to admit to these behaviors and seek help to correct them. It’s the next step. For now, I’d appreciate your positive thoughts that I’m able to get a grip on this so that I can reach my full potential in all areas of my life.
Bella on the Beach 
Bella! It took so much courage to post this! I still struggle with the same things that you were talking about. Especially doing well during the day and then blowing it once I got home. MANY nights this has happened. I think I struggle more now with negative thoughts than I did when I was heavier and have seriously thought about seeking a food specialist. Thank you so much for posting this! Reading it has really helped me more than you know!
I’m so glad that this post helped you. I think that anyone who has struggled with their weight has at some point overeaten or binged. I really do feel that seeking the help of a therapist is the first step towards getting better (for me, and maybe for you, too). I feel lighter after having written this post, which is a great start.
I’m so proud of you for taking this step and writing this post! It can be really hard to come to terms with something and admit it to yourself. For me, that was realizing that my anxiety had a huge part in me turning to food for comfort – and now I’m working on handling the anxiety, and even more importantly, accepting that this is a condition I may have but it doesn’t need to control my life. You’ve already made great progress by recognizing this as a problem. *hug*
Thank you so much! I know I’m a perfectionist, and that my obesity is related to wanting to be perfect, so it’s a good starting place. I’m really hoping the therapist can give me some concrete things to work on.
I am so happy to hear that you are delving into the reasoning behind eating. I wish I had the money to be able to do that for myself right now. I can relate to the perfectionist side of eating and exercising, and I am slowly working my way towards the fact the you can jump back from mistakes, and it shouldn’t ruin your whole day if you make one mistake.
I know a lot of my eating stems from validation. Food never tells you that you are wrong for feeling the way you feel.
I hope that this is a positive experience for you and I can’t wait to hear about your progress!
I am so happy to hear that you are going tomorrow. I think the individual and group therapy will be very beneficial to you. You know I am right there with you and able to understand the binge eating! I bet this was hard to write, I hope it feels better to have it out there, rather than in your head.
Thanks, girlie, it was REALLY hard to write, but it was a huge relief, too. I’m definitely going to look into both the group & 1-on-1 sessions. As always, your support means everything.
Wishing you success with your new therapist. Im relieved youre returning. ive followed you for years and you are only confirming what we can see from your ups and downs. i know your issue can be helped with therapy. Im rooting for you, Sweetie. You can get this done, lets get going!
How difficult a step, but what relief and lightness of being awaits! You said, ‘What do I know’, in reference to your past therapist, and Bella you know everything. Your relationship with your therapist is the MOST important factor in success-it is no weakness to understand this and you are not weak, my darling, but very strong indeed. Warm wishes for your journey.
I was speaking to my sister tonight and confirmed that I’m a great judge of character and know almost instantly whether or not it’s going to work out in a relationship. Going to approach this no differently. If I get an inkling that this new therapist isn’t right for me, I’ll call and reschedule with someone else. I’m determined to make this work.
I think therapy can be a huge help to some people, so glad you’re not letting a single bad experience take that possible tool away from you for good. And glad you’re going to consider another one if this one isn’t a right fit either. You’ve got this Bella, and I really hope the appt tomorrow goes well.
Thank you so much! I do, too.
I know that this was hard for you to write, but it was very courageous of you. I will be thinking about you and looking forward to hearing about your progression. I know that you can do it.
Thank you for your support. The encouragement means so much.
Well done for taking the step I hope your new therapist is all that you wish for. I really hope that together you will be able to tackle your emotional eating. Maybe if you do you won’t need the surgery, wouldn’t that be great!?
Good luck.
I don’t see the surgery as a negative, it’s a tool to help make sure I KEEP the weight I lose off. I’m definitely moving forward with it.
This took a lot of courage to write – good for you. I still have never really dealt with my eating issues, and even now, at goal for 2 years, I still have bad days that I deal with by exercising rather than figuring out what made me eat. I hope you get what you need from this!