Archive for the ‘Release’ Category

Are you as addicted to Pinterest as I am?! I absolutely love going on there to dream, to be inspired, to learn, and to grow. And, okay, to waste a ton of time. I find so many interesting ideas from Pinterest everyday, and I just wanted to share some of it with you guys on a weekly basis. Hence Pinterest Perspectives.

I’m going to come back to this post often, because it perfectly captures my beliefs.


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Are you as addicted to Pinterest as I am?! I absolutely love going on there to dream, to be inspired, to learn, and to grow. And, okay, to waste a ton of time. I find so many interesting ideas from Pinterest everyday, and I just wanted to share some of it with you guys on a weekly basis. Hence Pinterest Perspectives.

I really couldn’t have said it any better myself.  I believe this with my whole heart, and I’m trying to show it through my actions.  I’m not perfect everyday, by any means, but I will never, ever, EVER give up on myself.  Because if I don’t believe in me, who else will?

The changes that I enacted this Sunday (which I’ll reveal soon, I promise) have been amazing for my self esteem and my belief that my goals are within reach.  I’ve recovered my willpower and my strength and it feels fantastic.


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Are you as addicted to Pinterest as I am?! I absolutely love going on there to dream, to be inspired, to learn, and to grow. And, okay, to waste a ton of time. I find so many interesting ideas from Pinterest everyday, and I just wanted to share some of it with you guys on a weekly basis. Hence Pinterest Perspectives.

I need to remember this, because I do think that doubt creeps into my mind, regarding my ability to lose weight, more often than it should.  On one hand, I am determined, strong, and have more perseverance than most people I know.  On the other hand, though, I’ve been at this weight loss more years than I care to count, and seem to be spinning my wheels.

Doubt is that little voice that negotiates why eating a late-night bowl of cereal is okay.  Doubt is the excuse that springs from my lips when I don’t want to workout.  Doubt is what causes me to reach for that extra spoonful when I would be satisfied with what I originally served myself.

Doubt needs to go, because I do have dreams.  I need to get out of my own way and make them a reality.

Tonight I’m going to push doubt out when I get in not one, but two workouts.

  1. I’m heading to the pool directly after school because it’s supposed to be a scorcher.  I haven’t truly swam laps in weeks.
  2. I’m going to a UJam Fitness class in the evening, after hearing such great reviews from the ladies in line at my Zumba class.

Dreams don’t come easy, they take work, effort, and action.

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Today is officially my last day of summer vacation (school starts tomorrow), so I figured it was time to get on the scale and really weigh in.  This is the last of my Successful Summer Weigh-Ins.

The post that I wrote on Friday was a bit of a BS recap.  I mean, I meant everything I wrote, but it was the easy way out of getting on the scale and admitting that I’d gained weight.  I knew I’d gained weight without even getting on the scale because I’d been to the doctor and saw the number there.  And even if their scale is higher than mine is, it wasn’t that much different.  The reason I avoided the scale on Friday morning was because I didn’t want to come on this blog and admit that I had fallen into old habits.  I didn’t want to admit that I’d eaten myself into the equivalent of a wasted summer.  And I didn’t want to face judgement.

But then I realized that this blog was never about putting on a happy face or avoiding the truth.  This blog is about the down and dirty of my weight loss journey.  A journey that has been a struggle for me, every step of the way.  It’s important for me to document the reality of what I’m doing, for myself.  So that I can see the patterns (which I know that all of you have seen for a long time, but when you’re the one at the center of it, it takes longer to recognize it) and make better choices.

I’ve been feeling nervous about the beginning of school and my more restricted time and a more structured schedule.  I got depressed about my high blood pressure readings.  And my reaction to all of that was to binge eat.  I know that makes no sense to those of you who don’t have a disordered relationship with food.  You would think that I’d take advantage of my last week or so of vacation and make healthy choices, both in food and exercise, which would naturally help with the BP results.  But I didn’t.  I got overwhelmed and shut down, which is my tendency.  I turned to food to numb everything. I showed no willpower and I let base cravings get the better of me.  I sat for hours on the couch and had “marathons,” but really they were just an excuse not to workout, because I know that when I workout I naturally eat better.  Again, those of you who don’t struggle this way will not understand it.  But this post isn’t for you, it’s for me. 

{Okay, Bella, that’s all good and well, but what we really want to know is how you did on the scale}. Right?!

Today I weighed in at 307.0, which means I set myself back to week one of the summer.  I have 26 lbs to go to reach my pre-surgery goal.

There it is in black and white. I fucked myself over this past week, and now I have to deal with it.  Period. It’s not insurmountable by any means.  But I can’t keep losing weight and then gaining it again in moments of stress and fear.  Otherwise I’m going to get kicked out of the Bariatric program.  And there is no way that I’m going to let that happen.

I know I have a lot of work to do mentally.  I’ve already begun taking steps to put myself in a better mindset and break this cycle that I’ve been on for years.  Therapy and self help books are in the works.  I’ve decided that I’m not going to blog about this portion of the journey, because I’ve been uncovering deeply personal things, and I want to keep them private.  I’m sharing them with the therapist and a few people in my life, and that will suffice.

But I don’t want this post to be completely harsh or negative.  I’ve had an amazing summer, overall.  One week of terrible choices doesn’t negate all the fun I’ve had.  I spent most of the summer participating in a bunch of activities that I loved – walking Sofi, Zumba, Bikram yoga, swimming, Hot Hula, belly dancing, and bike riding.  I’ve made beautifully well-balanced, healthy meals for myself that all incorporated my love of fresh fruits and veggies.  I’ve documented all of this on MyFitnessPal, keeping track of my food and my workouts every single day for 9 weeks, which is no small task.  No readout on the scale can take these things away from me.

And I’m still going into the new school year weighing less than I did when I left in June, so that’s something.

Until next week, my friends. I hope the scale treats you well, and that you’ve had a wonderful weekend!

I disabled comments for this post because I wrote it for me.  I appreciate everyone’s support. I apologize to those who have read this again and again on this blog, and are really over it (me).  I understand your frustration, believe me, I’m living it. But I also know that I am way too determined to let anything stand in my way, so I WILL get there eventually. All of this struggle and strife is just part of my journey, I guess.  

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Last night my friend Ani and I went to see Girish:Remixed at one of the local yoga studios I like to go to.  I had been on their site looking up a class for my sister when I happened to look at their upcoming events and saw the show.

REMIXED links Sanskrit mantra and chant with modern grooves in a heart-opening, soul-stirring union. This is sensual, funky, yet deeply devotional music that will have your body moving and your heart soaring.

REMIXED joins Girish’s lush, soulful voice and transcendent melodies with a dazzling array of international musical luminaries including Mac Quayle (Sting, Beyonce, Madonna), DJDrez (Black-Eyed Peas, Bombay Dub Orchestra), Herb Graham,Jr(MacyGray), Desert Dwellers, Rara Avis, Shujat Ali Khan and more.

REMIXED is an inspiring blend of musical styles ranging from dubstep to reggae, from dance to electronic – while maintaining the devotional heart and soul of Girish’s music. This is music to put your prayers in motion!”

I love music of all types, and I’m always looking for something out of the ordinary to do, so I figured it was a nice way to spend a Saturday evening.  I asked Ani to join me because she’s always up for new adventures. And I did something really a-typical for me – I didn’t research more about the music online before the event.  I wanted to experience the evening fresh, without any preconceived notions.

This is the Luna room at Breathe, where they hold their aerial yoga classes, among others. It was the beautiful setting of the evening’s music.

While I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I knew I’d hear some interesting music in a tranquil space, no matter what.  And I did.  We sat on blankets and bolsters on the ground, and most people were wearing loose, easy clothing.  I was a bit overdressed, but very thankful that I’d chosen to forgo my jeans, which would have been much too uncomfortable for sitting on the floor for two hours.

The music was based on chants from sanskrit, many of which are used in yoga practice.  I was actually shocked at how many people in the small group of 30 knew the chants by heart. The Girish website has samples of all the songs we heard last night, and here’s a sample of one of my favorites from last night, Jaya Hanuman. The thing that you don’t hear from the samples is the way that the songs built up in intensity and tempo.  As the description wrote, many of the songs took on a funky, jazzy vibe, courtesy of brilliant bass guitar playing and drumming.  Those were the moments I enjoyed the most, when I could just forget about everything else and FEEL the music.  And I guess that’s really the whole point, to let all of your troubles go and just be in the moment, exactly as you are when you’re practicing yoga. 

The only song I didn’t like was one that was sung in English and sounded more like a Christian revival meeting.  (It was something more impromptu, and not part of the CD or the samples).

Even though I didn’t completely feel like I belonged there (just my own thing, not because anyone was unwelcoming), I still really enjoyed the evening.  I liked the experience so much that I think I may go to the OM Music Festival in Santa Cruz in October.  I think it speaks to the fact that music can bridge all sorts of gaps.

Do you ever go to events that are very out of character for you?

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It’s summertime! Which means that life is a lot easier – my schedule is free, healthy fruits and veggies are plentiful, and I have nothing but time to work on this goal. Success is practically guaranteed – all I need to do is follow through with my actions. My re-assessment meeting with my surgeon was on Friday, June 8th, which just so happened to also be my last day of school before summer vacation, making Fridays the perfect day to weigh-in. So throughout the summer, I’ll be giving Friday progress updates called Successful Summer Weigh-Ins.

This past week was a bit of a mixed bag.  I did great with exercise over the weekend, but then when Monday hit, I just couldn’t seem to rally myself to workout. I made the choice to spend some time getting organized around the house – laundry had backed up and the house was badly in need of a deep clean.  I did go swimming on Wednesday, because the temperatures were so high, but that was about it.

My food was pretty good, but I was feeling sort of bored with my usual choices.  I didn’t log my meals in MyFitnessPal, either, which is so rare for me.  Laziness took over here, too.

I decided to skip the scale this week, as well.  I know that some of you are probably thinking that avoiding the scale will only lead me down a bad path, but I know myself.  I think seeing another week at or up from last week’s numbers would put me in a bad frame of mind, and I just don’t want to let that happen.  No more backsliding.

This week was a good lesson for me – even though I said I wasn’t going to let last week’s gain get to me, I think it did.  And then instead of working my ass off to make up for it, I went in the other direction.  Isn’t it funny how I can sabotage myself that way?  Doing the exact opposite of what I should be doing to be successful.  It just shows that I don’t have all of this on lock down and I can’t allow myself to get sloppy like I did this week.

Once again, I’m not going to make a bunch of declarations…well, not more than I already have. I’m just going to RELEASE myself from the guilt, shame, and disappointment, and I’m going to show my commitment to my goals with my actions.  So look for my tweets and/or on MyFitnessPal to follow my food and exercise diary to see what I’m DOing.

Until next week, my friends. I hope the scale treats you well, and that you have a wonderful weekend!

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