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Posts Tagged ‘death’


I woke up today feeling stronger. I’d cried and cried all day yesterday, and each time I was asked what had happened, and then I had to recount the terrible tale of Lulu’s death, I started crying all over again.  It was awful.  I definitely miscalculated going in to work.  I thought it would do me good to be around other people, to “keep busy” and to get out of the house.  And while it was nice to get some comfort from my colleagues and students, it was a really tough day.

This morning, though, I felt better.  It was still strange not to wake up to Lulu’s paw on my head, encouraging me to get up and go out with her for her early morning potty break.  It was strange not to have to worry about opening the front door to retrieve the paper.  And it was weird seeing all of her toys and things lying about the house, knowing that she’ll never play with them again.  But I felt better.

And then Minnie bolted into the house, as she does every morning, and she went into the living room, searching for Lulu.  When she didn’t find her, she came up to me and gave me a quick hello.  Then she bolted into my bedroom, as excited as ever, hoping to find Lulu there.  And then she came back out looking so confused and I shed a few tears, because it just broke my heart.  I think Minnie is the only other being who can understand how much I loved Lulu, because she loved her just as much.  They were poochy pals who spent all day, every day together since before Christmas.  They were Lucy and Ethel, Laverne and Shirley, and on Wednesday they were almost Thelma and Louise. And I realized today that Minnie and I are going to comfort each other and together, we’ll get through this.

There have been so many kind notes, emails, and messages on FB left by my friends.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a very wide circle of friends because we’re all so busy with our lives, but then something terrible and heartbreaking like this happens, and I realize just how many people care about me.  That outpouring of love and support helps to warm my heart and heal my soul.

So many of you left such thoughtful comments on yesterday’s blog post and/or on Twitter.  People who had read this blog for over a year but never, ever left a comment came to the forefront and de-lurked to offer their condolences.  To know that so many of you cared that much made me feel so loved.

Yesterday my mom bought me the stone that you see at the top of this blog post, and I loved it.  I placed it in the yard, underneath a beautiful tree and between two bright pink hydrangea bushes.  So Lulu’s memorial will always be surrounded by beauty and life.

As I was getting dressed today, I decided to wear Lulu’s dog tag on my chain.  Having something that she wore around her neck around my own neck makes me feel close to her.  And it offers some comfort. I plan on wearing it everyday for a while.  Until I don’t need to anymore, I guess.

My dad and I went to see Limitless (which was pretty good, actually).  He wanted me to get out of the house and not dwell on sad thoughts too much.  Being able to escape into the movie was perfect; it took my mind off of everything and let me have a couple of hours of peace.  I came out of there feeling renewed.

And when I got home, I had a call from my uncle, offering me his love and the advice that I should get another doggie soon.  And I agree with him.  No one will ever replace Lulu, because she’s irreplaceable.  But now that I know what it means to love a dog, I know that I need one in my life.  I have so much love to give, and I get so much out of having a dog in my life.  It’s my lifestyle; I’m a dog lover.  I’m going to wait until school gets out in June, but I will be contacting the same breeders that brought Lulu into my life, because they were such nice people and she had an amazing start on life in their home. One of my friends wrote on FB that Lulu was going to find a special friend for me and bring her into my life so that I wasn’t alone. What a nice thought that is: that Lulu would help to select my next puppy.

After listening to his message, the phone rang again and it was LCS, a friend from high school who I haven’t spoken on the phone with in over 15 years.  She and I lost touch for a bit and then recently reconnected on FB about two years ago.  In that time, we’ve stayed in touch via email and FB, but we’ve never actually talked.  She is a huge animal lover, and she was so concerned about me that she said she had to call and find out how I was doing.  It meant so much that she would reach out that way, and I told her that I’m so sorry that it took a tragedy like this for us to talk, but that we’d have to catch up once a month or so from now on, and she agreed.

And Lulu will be buried in Napa Valley, at the Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park.  It’s gorgeous there, from the photos:

So now when my sister and I (and whichever friends can make it) go to Napa for my 40th birthday, we can make a special trip to visit Lulu’s resting place.  It makes me feel good to know she’ll be near so much natural beauty.

I’m still so sad that Lulu isn’t here, but I’m feeling less out of control about it.  I am moving through the grieving process, and while I know I’m going to have some very tough days ahead, I also know that Lulu is always going to be with me.  Tomorrow and Sunday I’m going to select a bunch of photos of her and put them into a special frame that I’ll keep in my dining room, overlooking the yard.  So that I can just look over I’ll be able to see her in her happiest moments.

I’ll love you forever, my sweet girl, Lulu.  You were the best puppy anyone could have ever asked for.  I’ll miss you every single day.  But I am grateful that I had you in my life at all, because you changed me forever for the better.

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Over the Rainbow

I really have no words to say this, but I feel as if I have to. A piece of me is gone today. My sweet Lulu was hit and killed by a car. It doesn’t seem real. I cannot express my sadness and sense of loss. I am really beside myself. She meant everything to me. I do know this – I am glad that I spoiled her rotten, because her life may have been short, but it was amazing. I will always love you, Lulu.

This poem was on the website of the breeder who brought Lulu to me.  It offers some comfort today.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

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Yesterday my grandmother passed away and since then I’ve been in a very strange mindset.  I’m sad, but relieved, and happy that her pain is over; both mentally and physically.  My grandmother lived her life regretting so much and feeling embittered for those regrets, and if I have learned nothing else from her, it is that I don’t want to do the same thing.

This morning as I’ve been reflecting on everything and I’ve come to really, truly realize how precious this life is.  Not in a Hallmark card sort of way, but I’ve really FELT it.  I know we all know how short life is, but today it really struck me that I need to stop spinning my wheels and wasting my life being fat and really get myself in gear and live the life I am meant to have.

My grandmother always told me how pretty I was (complimenting me on my skin, my application of eyeliner, etc.), but I also know that she always wished I was at a healthier weight.  For my appearance, sure, but also so that I wouldn’t have health problems.  Toward the end of her life my grandmother always talked about the importance of being healthy.  And while she was never overweight, she didn’t lead an active lifestyle and I do believe that that contributed to many of her health problems (and issues of depression) later in life.

So I’m going to take these lessons and really put them into action.  I don’t want to live a life that isn’t all that it could have been.  I want to make sure that I am making each day count, that I am appreciating the gift that is life and family and friends, and the best way for me to show my gratitude for all the blessings I have is to take control of my health.  No more half-assed, pussy footing around weight loss for me.  I’m really going to act as if my life depends on losing weight, because it does.

I’ve been really sick with a terrible cold all week so I haven’t made it to any of the workouts I had planned earlier in the week, but I have been doing well on food, and I AM going to a WW meeting tomorrow, despite everything else that’s going on.  I need to, and I don’t want to put it off any longer.


That it will never come again

Is what makes life so sweet.

~Emily Dickinson

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