Struggling

Regular readers may have noticed something different on this blog recently.  Specifically, a lack of my usual blog posts.  In January and February I was blogging almost everyday, doing really well on WW, and feeling great in general.  Lately life is stressful, my schedule is packed, and I’ve been totally slacking on many of my responsibilities, including my weight loss goals.

I could give tons of excuses (explanations) about why this has happened, but that’s not really my style.  I’ve explained a few things in the last couple of posts – an extra class I’m teaching, TNT training, etc., but all of that is just life getting busy.  I have to be able to stick with WW, exercise, and all of my other obligations even when life is hectic and crazy.

After all, I look at my sister, LC, who has a really busy life and is still able to stick to her weight loss goals.  She’s a social worker, so stress and crises are daily realities for her profession.  LC is also a mother of two adorable little girls (6 and 21 months) and a wife.  She has an entire household to run yet still manages to make it to her weekly WW meetings, works out, and goes to yoga for a bit of “me time.”  Her day starts at 5:45am and doesn’t end until after 9pm, with hardly any down time for herself.  I really don’t know how she does it.

So every time I start feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself because of how busy I am, I need to remind myself that I only have myself to think about.  I don’t have a husband and two little girls who need me.  I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself, yet lately I can’t even seem to do that.

Case in point – I was supposed to go to a TNT training this morning.  8 miles.  I was dreading it because I haven’t been doing my OYO (on your own) trainings at all, and there was no way I was ready for the 8 mile walk today. Plus, we were supposed to wear our fuel belts, but I couldn’t find one that fit.   I was getting very upset with myself this morning for once again not going to a Saturday training (it’s so hard to wake up at 5:45am on a Saturday, I can’t even tell you), but at the same time, I told myself that I needed to take this weekend and really get myself back on track.

I’ve allowed myself to get into this really bad place lately.  Money problems caused me to be delinquent on some of my bills (I’ve now caught up), my house is a mess because I haven’t had the energy to clean it, my weight loss is non-existent because I haven’t gone to a WW meeting in weeks and I have stopped counting points, and I can’t seem to get myself to the gym to walk for my TNT trainings.  (I have been going to the Wednesday night track practices, but going once a week is not going to get me to where I need to be in order to complete a half marathon).  More than once lately I’ve thought about dropping out of the TNT program all together because it’s just so hard. I think about all my friends and family who have told me that I’m inspiring, or that “I rock,” because I’m training for the half marathon and I feel like a sham.

But then I think about all those people who have donated to my fundraising efforts and I know I can’t let them down.    I think about what I wrote on my fundraising page and I know that it’s true.  I want to do this in memory of my uncle.  I want to do this because it’s for such a good cause.  And most of all, I want to do this because it’s one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever attempted, physically.

So rather than just sit here and write about how sorry I’m feeling for myself, I am vowing to get over it.  I am going to spend today cleaning the house so that I feel human again at home.  I’m going to return the old fuel belt and find one that fits if it kills me.  I’m going to go to the gym and walk for an hour and a half, because I have to start in on these OYO trainings, plus exercise really does make me feel better. I’m going to go to the grocery store and buy loads of healthy food, because I always feel better when I’m eating good food. And then I’m going to work on a plan to fit daily exercise/training into my new, more hectic schedule.

I’ll check in again later tonight or early tomorrow with my progress.  I’m determined to stop this awful pattern and get back on track with everything in my life.  I have to.

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Stormy weather :(

I usually love the rain – the thrill of hearing the wind rustle through the leaves in the two enormous trees in front of my house, the patter of rain against the windows, the gray skies – it puts me in a mood to be creative for some reason. We’ve had a big storm here for the last few days and we really need it because there have been words like “summer drought” and “water rationing” bandied about.

But these last few days, I’m really not loving the rain.  It’s made me feel really depressed and down.  I think part of that comes from feeling overwhelmed in general and in need of this week-long break I’m on.  I’ve let some things go around the house, and really need time to get organized and do a good deep-cleaning.  Couple this with the fact that I’m in a “low budget” situation again this month, and things haven’t been looking too good.

I haven’t been tracking, although I haven’t been eating badly.  I didn’t go to my TNT mentor-led training on Saturday morning, because when the alarm went off at 5:45am, I think I said, “ya, right” and rolled over.  Then I didn’t go to my WW meeting for a similar reason.  Ugh.

Today has been a better day.  I have gotten a few things done around the house and I met with a former colleague for coffee & conversation this morning, which was nice.  Now I’m off to a nail appointment and to spend time with my parents, sister, and nieces at my parents’ house which should be fun. Maybe it’ll be enough to shake me out of these doldrums.

The plan to shake myself out of this “storm”:

• Do a partial cleaning of the bedroom, living room, bathroom, and kitchen when I get home.  Just picking things up and wiping things off – not a deep cleaning (no vacuuming or mopping), but just a good tidying up.  An organized house always makes me feel better.
• Do the BL Yoga DVD – Bob’s soothing voice calms me down.
• Take a bath tonight and really spend time enjoying the warm water, with some nice music and candles.  Let the stress go!
• Spend the rest of the evening reading, enjoying some strong coffee, and planning the rest of my week off.  Maybe making a list of all the great things I have planned to do with friends and all of the things I am grateful for, just as a reminder.
• Go to bed early so I can get up and hit the gym for a true treadmill session – at least 1 hour.

I think that if I can accomplish the things on the list above, I’ll be in a much better place, mentally, amd the rest will follow.

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Pathetic!

That’s how I feel right now.

I should be at my mom’s uncle’s house, celebrating with our huge family. Over 60 people gather each year to share Christmas. Why aren’t I there, you ask? Am I sick? Well, not physically. But I am sick and tired of being so fat that I can’t find anything to wear.

I bought a new sweater to wear for Christmas, but stupid me, I didn’t try it on. You see, I had ordered the exact same sweater online, only in a different color. So when I went into the store and found it in purple, I didn’t think I would need to try it on. I was sure it would fit.

I had everything all ready — I washed my black pants a few days ago, and they were wrinkle-free and ready to go. Or so I thought. I went to get dressed and found the pants were super tight — not good. Number 1, I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable all night, and Number 2, I didn’t want to looked like a stuffed sausage, especially around relatives I only see once a year. Yes, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight since last year, and I know that losing 8.5lbs is great and all, but I really wanted to hide the weight gain, if possible. Well, I thought to myself, the sweater should hang just the right way as to cover the tightness of the pants. Nope. This sweater, in the exact same size as the one I ordered online, mind you, was too tight. It was as if it was a size (at least) too small. Ugh!

I tried to figure out something else I could wear, but nothing looked good. Or Christmas-y enough. I felt terrible, was getting stressed out, and wanted to call the whole thing off.

So I did. I called my mom and told her about the situation, and she was very supportive, even suggesting I put on jeans and the grey sweater, which would’ve probably been just fine. Except that I really don’t like wearing jeans on Christmas day and I was so depressed by the fact of these clothes looking so badly on me that I was in no mood to deal with the entire group of family member.

I felt like a huge cow. I still do, although at least now I’m comfy in my sweats, sitting on the couch as I write this.

I feel so pathetic, home alone on Christmas day. But in a way, I feel so much better here by myself than I would facing a room full of people feeling so fat and disgusting.

Today is just one of those really bad days. I know that I’m not disgusting, and I think on most days I look very well put together, or at the very least, presentable. Today just wasn’t one of my “pretty days.”

I’ll tell you one thing, this gives me ample motivation to make it to the gym tomorrow morning!

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