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Posts Tagged ‘Feeling fat’

Something really unexpected happened yesterday; I got emotional over some jeans. But let me give you the background…

The day started out really well – I went to Bikram yoga and me my friend Ani. I hadn’t been to a hot yoga class in at least 6 months, and it was just as challenging as usual, but I was proud of myself for sticking with it the whole time and for doing ever single pose. Sure, I had to modify most of them, but that’s one thing I love about yoga – everyone in the class is modifying the moves to suit their own needs. It’s not about competition or comparing, it’s about your own “individual practice.” There were a few times that I looked at myself in the mirror and just wished that I wasn’t the biggest reflection that I saw, but I quickly put those negative ideas out of my head and focused on the fact that I was doing it. At my size, as the biggest person in the room, I was hanging in there and completing each and every move to the best of my ability. I didn’t sit one movement out, as many of the classmates did. I left the class feeling great, and even better when I calculated the calorie burn: 1388. (People are always floored by how many calories I burn, but you have to remember, since I weigh a lot, I burn a lot).

I didn’t do too much for the middle part of the day – eat lunch, play with the dogs, read some blogs online, etc. Although I should mention that Minnie had gone to the same groomers that I took Sofi to on Wednesday, and I was able to get Sofi’s ears trimmed a bit. I’m really happy with the results:

The shorter ears make a HUGE difference!

Then it was time for me to get ready for a baseball game that my family and I were going to. It was Italian Night at the San Jose Giants (the SF Giants’ AAA team). It was going to be a fun time with my parents and my sister. The only problem was, I almost didn’t go.

Every single pair of jeans I tried on made me look enormous. Yes, the ones that I normally wear that look decent on me had just come out of the dryer, so of course they were a little tight. But so were the ones that I hadn’t worn in several months. This was really depressing to me, and I just thought back to my huge reflection in the mirror at yoga, and I started feeling really sorry for myself.

I went next door to my sister’s house and started tearing up, telling her that I didn’t want to go because the seats would be too tight. That the other day when I bought the Adirondack chair at Cost Plus that I’d wanted all summer, I had to sit in it to make sure it would fit my ass. “How sad is that,” I whined. “I really cannot wait for the day when I don’t have to worry about fitting into a chair. When will that be?!!!” The tears welled up in my eyes, and I felt so hopeless, discouraged, and fat. And then LC said, “Bella, don’t let your jeans get you down.” And we both busted out laughing at how ridiculous it sounded. She knew it would lighten the mood, and she said that I was taking the whole thing way too seriously, but that if I really didn’t want to go, I should call my parents and let them know. And at that point I realized that I was feeling sorry for myself.

In the past I would’ve allowed myself to feel bad about the situation, and stayed home. And then I would’ve been even more depressed and sad. And then I would’ve probably eaten too much, “because I’m so fat anyway.” And the whole thing would’ve been a mess. And that type of wallowing is so pointless.

So I bucked up and went. And I had a great time. And I didn’t need to worry about the seats, because we ended up sitting in the bleachers. I even got a new visor out of it – my mom saw it and thought it was perfect for me. So when I was waiting at the tables while they were getting the food and drinks, I decided to use the self-portrait mode on my iPhone to see how the visor looked. I was so surprised by what I saw, so I snapped this self-portrait:

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I don’t mean to sound conceited when I say that I really look nice in this photo. And the coolest thing is, I wasn’t trying to look thin or make my double chin less pronounced by holding my head a certain way as I do in lots of photos. It just occurred naturally. This is how I look. And I like what I see because I can see the progress. I can see my face getting thinner with all of the effort I’ve been putting in.

I’m so glad that I didn’t let those darn jeans get me down and that I went. Because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have had such a good time. I wouldn’t have this cute visor, and I wouldn’t have felt so good about myself last night.

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