Talking Myself Down from the Ledge

Ok, so maybe that title is a little but dramatic, but it is somewhat apropos to how I’m feeling today.

Let me start by saying that I’m doing really well.  I have organized and packed my breakfasts and lunches for the past two days, I’m drinking all my water (and then some), and I completed a tough workout (burned 1394 calories, according to MFP) yesterday after school.  I”m eating well, sticking to plan, and not giving in to the cravings for something sweet after dinner that have been plaguing me.

Yet the scale has crept up these past two days.  Ugh!  I should also mention that it’s TOM time, which usually adds some lbs to the scale due to water retention.  Yesterday I was up two lbs from my lowest weight and today I was up 1 (down one from the previous day).  So technically I guess I lost a lb yesterday, but I can’t understand why I’m not seeing my lowest numbers yet on the scale.

I know that some of you might say that I’m gaining muscle with my weight training, but I seriously doubt I could put on muscle that quickly.  Others of you might say not to worry about 1 pound, that it will eventually come off once my body normalizes.  Maybe so.  I’m telling myself those same things.

I’m not going to go into a tailspin because of this, but it is frustrating.  I just keep telling myself that I’m doing everything right, and if I just keep it up, the weight will  come off.  The alternative is giving up, and I just don’t have that option.

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Buckle Up, This Is Going To Be a Long One…

Let me start this off by saying that in general, I try to conduct myself as a really upbeat, positive person.  I’m consider myself to be very optimistic, yet realistic.  I enjoy looking at the brighter side of life whenever possible.

Today is not one of those days.

I’ve been struggling for a few days, well really, for a week or two.  My weight stalled, and that frustrated me.  Although I knew exactly why my weight wasn’t moving.  I started eating more than I know I should, although I wasn’t logging all of the extras in MyFitnessPal. Who do I think I’m hiding that information from?  No one that I’m friends with on MFP would judge me; they might encourage me to make better choices, but there’s no need to feel ashamed.  Yet  I do.  So instead of being honest and credible, I go to my natural response, which is to hide my mistakes and lie.  To myself most of all.

I get really frustrated with myself for sticking with it for 2-3 weeks and then having something happen and going off the plan.  It’s a bad cycle with me, and before you suggest just how much I’d benefit from therapy, let me say that I am not ready for that at this point.  I should go, I know, but I’m not going to. At least not now.  You don’t have to agree with that, but it is the way that it is.  I hope that some point later I will return to therapy, but for now, it’s not something I want to do.

But what I do have to face is figuring out another way to cope with stresses and frustrations.  When I used to smoke I’d use that as my coping mechanism.  But now that I’m not smoking, I have used food for that even more than I did before.  Smoking allowed me to have “something to look forward to” as sick as that sounds.  I was able to have more willpower with a strict diet because I could smoke when I was stressed, upset, sad, bored, etc.  Now I fill in those spaces with food.

The key to all of this may be looking at why I have such strong reactions to seemingly inconsequential things.  It’s partly  because of my perfectionism and control issues.  I want things to go well, and when they don’t I react, and that causes those around me to react back, and then I get hurt, frustrated, and upset.  At work and in my home life.  And it’s not a good place to be.  I’ve been feeling like I want to reset myself and become someone who doesn’t have to have the snappy comeback or complete control of every situation.  I want to be able to let people do things in a way that I don’t think is the best.  To let those around me make mistakes and figure things out and for me to know that I am not responsible for everything going smoothly all the time.

Much of that is more than I can probably figure out on my own, but for now, I need to work on what I can and change in small ways as much as possible.  It will take biting my tongue more often, and maybe little by little, I can improve.

I need to put my focus on accomplishing the goal at hand – those 20/25 pounds. I  need to get my mind set that getting to my goal is more important the the taste of any food.  The key is really in staying busy so that I don’t think of food.  And looking at exercise as a way to cope with stress/frustration instead of eating emotionally.  It’s about finding the willpower I used to have.  It’s about changing my life.

Because the alternative – staying this way forever – makes me sadder than I can describe.

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HYC Update: Excuse-Free Zone!

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

I’m doing great personally – loving the new house!  I had a wonderful time Saturday night (see previous post) and spent the majority of the weekend unpacking and organizing the house, which is almost all the way put together, so I’ll be taking photos soon of the rooms.  Part of me is hesitating until they’re exactly the way I want them to be, but then I think, “that could be months.”  So, I think it’s better to post the photos sooner rather than later.

I’m hoping that starting today Lulu and I will really settle into a true routine.  She was at doggie daycare a few times this past week because of late meetings/deadlines at work, so today we’ll begin our first full run with her being home all day and me coming home at a decent time.

Weight loss-wise I’m not doing so well.  I’ve been going in spurts since the weekend – I eat a good breakfast, lunch and then a lousy dinner.  Or like yesterday: great all day, all meals and then eat a ton of ice cream.  What is that about?  Plus, no real working out (just moving in, lifting boxes, taking Lulu for walks).

I’m sort of frustrated with myself because I always seem to have some excuse for why I’m not on track – if it’s not getting Lulu, it’s school starting, or it’s moving. 

I want to start fresh starting now. This afternoon  I’m going to take Lulu on a long walk when I get home from school and then I’ll do the Wii Fit for a least 30 minutes.  Tomorrow I’m going to check in on the scale (for myself, I know I’ve gained and I don’t want to put it on the blog.  I’ll post a “real” weigh in photo next week) and actually go to the gym (it’s been MONTHS!) for an aqua aerobics class.

I do feel a sense of urgency because the sooner I can get to the goal weight the surgeon set for me, the sooner I can schedule the LapBand surgery, which is my short-term goal. I know I can be successful on this 1200-calorie diet that Kaiser outlined for me – now I need to summon the mental strength to do everything I need to in order to stay on track.

Now that there really aren’t any more excuses, I need to get this show on the road, otherwise the holidays will be here before I know it and my momentum will vanish.

Moving into the new house has given me the feeling of having a new lease on life, beginning a new chapter.  I want to take that feeling and apply it to my weight loss, because I know I can!

P.S. – Today’s my 42nd day smoke free!!  (Which just proves to me that I CAN do anything I set my mind to).

P.P.S. – I’m also looking forward to watching Biggest Loser tonight, because it always gives me a lot of inspiration and motivation.

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Technology has me running in circles…

…and spending way too much money!

It all started the other day when I wanted to wear the BodyBugg.  I’d made it a goal to start wearing it daily so that I could track my calories in vs. calories out.  You know the drill.  It had been at least 6 months since I’d last used the BB, mostly because it was “lost” in the cushions of my couch, and I only recently re-discovered it.

You  can read the details here, but suffice it to say that I had to:

1. renew my subscription to BodyBugg software ($79 for a year)
2. try to set up the BB device again

Each time I tried to use it in Safari (BB software hates Firefox for some reason), Safari kept crashing.  I emailed BB customer support and this was their response:

We understand that you are having problems uploading data from your Bodybugg device to your Mac computer. I sincerely apologize for this inconvenience.

In response to your query, any Mac version lower than 10.5 will cause Safari to crash when accessing the web program. Although this is already a known issue, we no longer have any software compatible with your operating system.

At this point, you may wish to consider upgrading to Mac 10.5 and above, as long as it has an Intel platform, and a RAM of 256 MB or higher, or you can use a PC, as long as it is Windows XP (32-bit), Windows Vista (32 and 64-bit), or Windows 7 (32 and 64-bit).”

Um…first of all, I told you I have a Mac, so why would you suggest using a PC, dumbass?!  If I could easily use a PC, wouldn’t I have done that to begin with?  Ugh.  Ok, ok, calm down, he’s just giving me the options.

So it looked like I needed to upgrade to SnowLeopard, which is OS 10.6, rather than 10.4 (Tiger), which I’m running now.  When I went to apple.com and saw that SnowLeopard was only $29.99, I thought it was worth it to upgrade.  I’ve had this computer for 5 years next month, and other than replacing the battery last fall, I’ve done nothing to it.  I ordered SnowLeopard and waited for it to arrive.

SnowLeopard arrived yesterday, and I was very excited to install it and get to use the BB again.  But of  course you know that it couldn’t be that easy, right?

When I tried to install the new OS, I got an error message saying that I didn’t have enough RAM on my computer to install the new OS.  Great, just great.  And what is RAM, again, anyway?  Oh, ya, the Random Access Memory (like short term memory) on the computer.  When I checked my Activity Monitor (who even knew I had one of those on the MacBookPro?), I saw that there was almost no RAM available.  The computer itself only held 512MB, which is fairly little, considering how many programs I usually have running.

Now mind you, at this point I didn’t really look up the definition of RAM and I mistakenly thought it was the hard-disk memory, so I quickly started migrating the tons of photos I have on the computer onto discs and web-hosting places.  I got rid of old iMovies I had made for grad school, and generally, cleared out a ton of space.  I now had over 13GB of hard disk space available, and surely that was enough to install SnowLeopard, right?

Not so much.  When I figured out what RAM actually was, after trying to install the new OS yet again, I realized that I was going to have to bite the bullet and buy more RAM. (And actually re-reading that email response again, I see that I’d need to buy more RAM to run the BB software anyway).

In looking on Apple’s site, I saw that for 2GB of RAM, it would be $100.  Again, using the logic that I’d had the computer for 5 years without much upgrading, I figured it was money well spent, especially because it would make the computer run so much faster.  The thing was, I couldn’t seem to find my model MacBookPro on Apple’s site, and I definitely didn’t want to buy the wrong thing.  Plus, when I looked into how to install the RAM and saw that you have to “ground yourself” before doing it, I thought that I’d rather take it in to Apple to have them do it.

So I went to my local Apple store today.  I had everything ready, including my SnowLeopard disk, because I wanted them to install that for me too.   I found a nice girl to help me and thought this would all be taken care of in a matter of minutes, but of course you know that that’s not the way it went down, right?

Apparently the reason I couldn’t seem to find the right RAM at the Apple store online is because they don’t carry it anymore.  They don’t carry it at my local store either.  It was something that they would need to order for me.  Ugh.  But the girl did tell me about a site called Crucial.com that sells all kinds of computer-related stuff at a discounted price.

So when I got home I went on there and saw that I could get 2GB of RAM for $47, which is half the price.  Of course that would take 7-10 business days to arrive, so I paid for expedited shipping, and my total was $79 (including shipping and tax), which is still $30 less than it would’ve been at Apple.  And I should get it by Friday.

Now let’s add this up, shall we?

$80 – BodyBugg subscription
$30 – SnowLeopard
$80 – 2GB of RAM
= EQUALS =
$180 + a whole lot of frustration and running around.

I tell you, tracking calories is definitely expensive.  😉

But on the bright side, I did get the memory a lot cheaper than it would’ve been.  I’ll have a computer that runs a lot faster, and I don’t even know the cool new features that I’ll find on the SnowLeopard OS.  So, all in all, I think it’ll be worth it.

It better be. And you can be damn sure that I’m going to be wearing that BB every single day, not matter how fancy my clothes are.  I’ve spent too much to use it not to.

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WW Weigh In: Lose for Good + Photo Food Journal

I was really looking forward to this evening’s WW meeting because I had slept through last week’s meeting and I always feel like my week is somehow incomplete if I don’t make it to a meeting. Plus, I wanted to see what the regular Thursday evening leader was like, because she wasn’t there the first week I went to weigh-in in the evening. Also, I knew the topic was going to be Lose For Good, and since I’ve been asked to share the information about the program with you, I thought I should be a bit more informed about it first.

The results – tonight’s weigh-in showed that I was up 0.4 lbs, which was completely frustrating, yet again. I feel like my body is simply holding on to this weight for some unknown and upsetting reason. When I talked to my mom about this later in the evening, she said that she really thinks I should make an appointment with the doctor, because there may be some other explanation for it. I think she’s right. I’m not thrilled with my current choice of doctor, so I’m in the process of trying to get a few recommendations from people who also have Kaiser. I’m hoping that there is some true reason that I’m not seeing movement on the scale.

On a positive note, this was Week 16 for me, so I got the little charm, which was exciting. One thing I shared when Michelle, the leader, asked me what I’d learned over the 4 months was that I am so much more active than I was then. It truly has become a part of a new lifestyle for me, and even though the past week hasn’t shown that much activity, I am really proud of myself for all that I’ve accomplished on that front.

As far as Michelle, the leader of the 6:30 meeting on Thursday, I absolutely LOVE her. She is very energetic, totally motivating, and she sticks to the topic, unlike the lady who does the 9am Thursday meeting. (I liked her personality, but I didn’t like that she hardly ever stayed on topic, or even mentioned the topic. WW obviously takes time and pays attention to what the meeting topics are, so I’m not sure why she feels it’s ok to totally disregard them). Michelle is beautiful, thin, and very fit. She’s a mom, but I think she’s someone that I can relate to, as well. I’m really going to like this meeting. When I got to the meeting, I was the first to arrive, and when she weighed me, I expressed my frustration at seeing another gain. She asked a few questions, which I answered, and then she asked me to bring in my tracker next week so she could take a look at what I was eating. I’ll definitely do that, because if there’s something I’m missing, I’d love to hear it.

Two things come to mind – I didn’t get all the water in a few days this week and I didn’t workout out as much as I have been. I did get all of the liquids, if I count coffee, but I usually try to drink at least 6-8 glasses of pure water each day. It’s actually surprising that I didn’t get the water in, since it’s been so unseasonably hot around here. I may need to cut down on the coffee consumption and focus on more water earlier in the day to get it all in, now that school’s in session.

As far as the meeting, we spent it talking about the Lose For Good campaign, which I’ll go into more detail about in a minute. One thing that Michelle challenged all of us to do was to try to lose 10 pounds in the next 7 weeks. Normally, at my weight and with my activity points, this should be no problem, but given the way my weight loss has been going, I’m not sure if I can make it. Still, it’s a goal that I’m going to shoot for.

In keeping with staying positive through all of this, I’ll share this quote:

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.” — Author Unknown

This is the second year of WW’s Lose For Good campaign. Between Aug. 30th and Oct. 17th, WW will donate money for every pound we lose, up to 1 million dollars. Their goal is to feed as many hungry people around the world as possible.

This year, WW is doing some really cool things to get members even more involved with the program.

Membership Specials – In celebration of Lose For Good, Weight Watchers is offering a free month of Monthly Pass for any new member who joins during the campaign and that includes FREE registration! The in-person meeting offer is valid in participating areas only, but you can enter your zip codes at http://www.weightwatchers.com/index.aspx to find out more. For Weight Watchers Online, if you sign up for a 3 month offer, you’ll get the fourth month free.

Lose – a – palooza: This year WW decided to let everyone in on the LFG campaign, so even non members can support the cause. On September 15th, for every accepted mention or acknowledgment of “Lose For Good” made via blogs, Twitter, Facebook and MySpace, Weight Watchers will make an additional donation – up to $25,000 – for just one day of social media activity. This donation is on top of the $1 million Weight Watchers is hoping to donate to Share Our Strength and Action Against Hunger as part of the 2009 Lose For Good campaign. So, make sure to mention the campaign, even if you’re not a WW member, because I’m sure we all want to help hungry people.

• On Twitter be sure to use #loseforgood
• WW also has a FaceBook Page

Lose For Good Community on WW.com: WW.com has set up a Lose For Good community aspect where people can set up profiles, blogs, and vlogs (video blogs). I’ve looked around it a bit and it seems like it’s cool, although I prefer our little corner of the blogging world. 😉

I know this sounds like a commercial for Lose For Good, and I don’t mind that. I’ll gladly be a corporate shill for such a worthwhile cause!

My personal Lose For Good Contribution: I’ve decided that I’m going to donate 1 pound of food for every pound I lose during this time period. In addition, I’m going to donate one Saturday morning or afternoon volunteering at my local food bank. What will YOU do?

Ok, now on to the photo food journal…

Breakfast:

1 pkt Quaker Oats Weight Control banana bread instant oatmeal (3 points)
8 oz Trop50 OJ (1 point)
1 hard-boiled egg (2 points)
Multivitamin + Green Tea FatBurner pill

Total: 6 points

Lunch:

(I didn’t end up eating the yogurt)

1 Oroweat sandwich thin (1 point)
2 wedges Laughing Cow cheese, French onion flavor (1.5 points)
1 tomato (0 points)
alfalfa sprouts (0 points)
6 slices Oscar Meyer Deli Fresh thin-sliced rotisserie chicken (1.5 points)
apple (1 point)
SmartFood chocolate cookie caramel pecan popcorn clusters (2 points)
28g Flat Earth Veggie Chips, earthland cheddar flavor (3 points)

Total: 10 points

Afternoon Snack: (after weigh-in)

1 point

These were really sweet, but staved off the hunger, which was what I was looking for.

Dinner:

I bought the new Comfort Foods Cookbook from WW, and wanted to try the mac n’ cheese, since the one I had the other night was OK, but not fantastic. Plus, I knew it would be pretty quick. The pictures weren’t taken in good lighting, which is why the color looks so off. This was good, but still not great. I’ll finish it, but next time I’ll have it more as a side dish than a main meal.

2 cups mac n’ cheese (12 points)
1 cucumber (0 points)

Total: 12 points

I know that 12 points on one dish seems like a lot, but since I had the points to eat, I figured I might as well.

Evening Snack:

3 points

I still have 2 points to go, but I’m so full at this point. Plus, maybe I had a bit more than 2 cups of the mac n’ cheese, so whatever, I’m done eating.

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WW Weigh-In – Failure is not an option!

Today’s weigh-in was not pretty.  I gained 1.4 lbs. And for no understandable reason.

There were tears.  There was frustration.  There was the feeling of failure.  I was beside myself because there is no reason I should have gained weight this week.  None at all!

So I stayed for the entire meeting.  Heard the tips that people were mentioning for staying on track during vacations, but the whole time I was going over in my mind what the hell could have possibly happened to cause the weight gain.  I even stayed for the “getting started” portion of the meeting because I really wanted to talk to the leader about this.

As she was talking to me, the tears came.  She gave me a hug and said that she could tell how frustrated I was.  I told her that I’ve been tracking everything, getting TONS of exercise, and even started with a personal trainer.  She said that maybe I should make sure to eat all of my WPAs.  She told me not to give up because the weight would eventually come off.  It had to.  Then she asked if I had started taking any medication.

And the light bulb went off.  I started taking Wellbutrin about 3 weeks ago, in order to get ready for my quitting smoking date (this Saturday!).  From everything I’ve heard, Wellbutrin is supposed to aid in weight loss, because it curbs cravings – the craving to smoke, but also the craving to eat.  But now I’m wondering if maybe my body is having an adverse reaction to it?

So I left the meeting.  I called my mom and cried a little bit more.  Then I emailed my doctor to ask about the Wellbutrin.  And now I’m writing this.

I am not going to be deterred by this weight gain.  I know that I haven’t done anything crazy like eat fast food or go over my points.  There are a few things I can try to do to help shake this weight off, so these are my goals for the coming week:

1. Drink ALL of my water.  I usually get at least 6-7 glasses a day, but this week I’m going to try to drink more.  At least 8, but maybe even more like 10.  It can’t hurt, and since it’s been so hot, I shouldn’t have any problem doing this.  I even found these Diet Snapple water “mixins” (similar to Crystal Light) at Walgreens today.
2. Measure everything.  I weigh some of my snacks, but I have been lax on measuring my morning peanut butter (I have been eyeballing a TBSP) and other things like that. This week, I’m dusting off all the measuring spoons and cups, and will be using my food scale for everything.
3. Try to eat more filling foods.  I only eat brown rice, couscous, or whole wheat pasta.  All of my grains are whole grains, even the Oroweat Sandwich Thins and my Thomas’ Light Multigrain English Muffins.  I eat lots of fruits and veggies, too.  But this week I am really going to make a concerted effort to eat more lean protein.
4. Continue tracking EVERYTHING using eTools online.
5. Continue working out for at least 30 minutes every day.  Rest days will be 30 minutes of Wii Fit.  Total APs for the week will be at least 25.

As I said in my title, failure is simply not an option. I do not feel hopeless, in fact I’m incredibly hopeful.  I believe in myself and my ability to overcome adversity.  I’ve done it before in other areas of my life, and now it’s time to do it with regards to weight loss.  I’m in the right mindset, I’m motivated, and I know I can do this.  I will do this.  I just have to be patient and know the weight will come off, eventually.

You don’t realize how strong a person really is until you see them at their weakest moment. – Unknown

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WW Weigh-In: Frustrated, but keeping the faith!

So today’s weigh-in was a bit of a surprise.  I only lost 0.3.  Which is frustrating because of all of the activity that I’ve been doing.  Not to mention the fact that I’ve been tracking each and every morsel that passes through my lips.  I stayed within my points and though I did use all 35 WPAs, I also earned 28 APs.  (This is less than the 39 APs I thought I would get, but it is more than my weekly goal of at least 25.  I hurt my foot on Tuesday night, and while I did a few light activities yesterday, I didn’t get the big push in that I had hoped for).

In spite of a disappointing weight loss, I am keeping the faith, because I know I am losing inches with all of this working out.  I can feel it in my clothes, and I can see it in my face – my double chin is getting smaller.  Not only that, but I FEEL healthier and more in control.  I’m not going to let this stop me, no way.  I’ll teach that scale who’s boss and eventually, the numbers will match all this effort I’ve been putting in.

Also, I’m proud of myself for going to the meeting again.  That makes 2 weeks in a row. This may seem like the most basic part of WW for most of you, but for me, it’s huge.  It’s not that I don’t like the meetings, because I do, and when I go I get a lot out of them.  It’s that I hate the idea of “failing” in front of other people.  Even though the lady at the reception desk who weighs me in could probably give two figs that my weight loss was so meager, in my mind, I feel judgment.  Mostly because I’m judging myself.  I always hold myself up to impossible standards, and I think that part of this journey for me is realizing that I can’t always be the best at everything I do.  I can put as much effort into something as possible, and I can still not see huge numbers falling off the scale.  And I have to learn to be ok with that.  Slowly, I think it’s sinking in.

So my goals for the upcoming week:

• Keep tracking every bite and sip
• Keep moving – get at least 25 APs through a variety of fun activities
• Keep the positive attitude
• Allow myself to experience the highs and lows of this weight loss journey and know that when I reach my final destination, I’ll be better for having gone through ALL of it.

I also want to make another goal for myself – to go to the WW meeting EVERY week for the rest of the summer.  That’s 5 more 9am meetings.  (After that, I’m going to change back to the evening meetings, which will be Thursdays at 6:30). Wow, I can’t believe I only have 5 weeks left, time flies.  I’m excited to see how much I can accomplish in those 5 weeks.  I’m not even going to put a number on it.  I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve been doing and know (here’s where the faith comes in) that by the time those 5 weeks are up, I’ll be even healthier (and hopefully lighter) than I am now.

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4 Miles Before 9am!

This morning I woke up at 6am (a little behind schedule) to make it to the TNT Coach Led Training at 7am.  We were scheduled to meet at a park that hooks up with the Los Gatos Creek Trail.  I love riding my bike on the trail, although I’ve never gone on this part of it before.

I felt great this morning. Full of energy and ready to take on this huge task.  The weather couldn’t have been better: cool, a bit overcast, but no rain.  It’s been raining here for about 2 days, so we were really lucky that it let up for this walk.  I started off at a good pace, pumping my arms like they told us to on Wednesday night.

After a few minutes, everyone started passing me.  I can’t tell you how much I hated this.  I kept trying to tell myself it didn’t matter, but it did.  I’m just too competitive, and I hated the thought of being the last one.  I ended up walking with Luciana, an adorable Italian lady from Milan who’s in her 60s.  I love talking to her because her accent reminds me of my Nana’s.

As we got toward the 1-mile mark, we arrived at a fairly large hill.  At this point, my calves were cramping a bit, but I knew that once I made it up the hill, we were going to stop for a minute or two to stretch.  Everyone cheered us on as we got to the top of the hill, and I was embarrassed, because I didn’t want to make a spectacle of the fact that I was one of the last two to finish.  But I got a few good stretches in, and my calves felt so much better.

Then I started walking again and the numbness began.  First in my left foot; then my right.  I can’t explain the way this feels – it’s awful not being able to feel your feet because you have the constant worry that you might trip and fall.  I finally said something to one of the mentors, and she stopped the head coach and asked her to attend to me.

I told the head coach that I had just bought these new shoes, and that I had been getting a lot of numbness with my other shoes, but that these shoes were supposed to be better for my feet.  She looked at my shoes and said that I had the laces tied way too tightly.  I started to undo the laces to let them out a bit, and almost immediately, my feet felt relief.  It was like my feet sighed.  She said that her shoes were loose enough for her to slip them on and off without untying them, but that that might be too loose for me.  She said to play around with the laces and see what felt best.  She also said that I may not need to have the laces go through every hole.

I started walking again, and the numbness was still there, but it was alleviated a bit.  I kept telling myself that I had to keep doing this, no matter what.  I did get tears in my eyes, but I didn’t want anyone to see me crying, so I told myself to stop.  I wasn’t crying because of pain, but because I was so discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed.  I mean, I hadn’t broken a sweat, I wasn’t out of breath, and I know that my body can do more.  If only my feet would cooperate.

I finally made it to the 2-mile turnaround point and this time I was the last person.  Luciana had passed me when I was loosening my laces, and I coudn’t catch up to her.  Everyone cheered for me, but again, I just felt so embarrassed to be the last person.  I tried to tell myself that this was my first day, and that I can only get better from here.  I also didn’t want to seem like I was feeling sorry for myself, so I told myself to toughen up and get through it.

The walk back was beautiful.  My feet were still numb, but it was almost as if I was in a zen-like state.  I wasn’t thinking about how strange it felt to not be able to feel my feet, I was just looking at the scenery and taking in the fact that I live in such a beautiful place.  I also thought about all of the donations I’ve already gotten.  I don’t want to disappoint any of the people who have been so generous, and I think that those contributions are going to be what help me stay motivated.

At about 3.5 miles, my numbness miraculously went away.  I could feel my feet again, and I was able to pick up the pace a bit more.  I had been walking a bit more slowly than I wanted to while I was experiencing the numbness because I was so worried about tripping and falling.  It felt good to be able to go a bit faster.  Although I think my sock on my left foot somehow got bunched up, because I could feel a bit of a blister forming on the ball of my foot.  Nothing too serious, and not enough to keep me from continuing on.

As I got to the “finish line,” everyone cheered, and I felt truly proud of myself.  I wasn’t the last one – a couple of other people were behind me.  I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does.  I don’t care how long it takes me, I just don’t want to end up being the last one to finish.

All in all, it was a good walk.  The numbness was frustrating and a little bit scary, but now that I know to loosen my laces, I’m hoping it won’t happen again.  It took me about an hour and half to do 4 miles, which isn’t too bad.  I know that my pace will increase as I keep practicing.  That’s one of the main things I want to do this week – walk on my own – so that my body starts building endurance.

I’m really proud of myself for all that I accomplished and can’t wait to see the improvements I know are going to happen as I continue on this journey.

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2nd thoughts about TNT

My first team practice with Team in Training is this Wednesday from 6:30-8pm and I’m worried.  I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to do this walk, and I think this is more than just nerves.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a real problem with walking.  Not walking around on a normal, daily basis, but fitness walking.  Whenever I try to go at a good pace (say 3.3 or more on the treadmill pace), I get terrible cramps in my calves, pain in my shins, and a numbness that starts in my toes and travels up to my legs.  And it’s not because of a lack of hydration or a lack of potassium; this happens no matter how many bananas I eat or how much water I drink.  When I did the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving, the pain I was in was almost as bad as the frustration I felt.

What I mean is, I have the DESIRE to do more, to go faster, to push farther, but my body simply CAN’T when I’m walking.  If I’m biking or on the elliptical machine or doing workout DVDs, I can push hard.  I’m not saying I’m athletic by any means, but I am getting fitter and fitter every day.

Except when I walk.  When I walk I feel as if I weigh 100 pounds more than I do and am at least 25 years older than I am.  I feel helpless, useless, and so out of shape.  It’s not that I’m out of breath, because I can’t walk fast enough to really get my heart pumping or my breath to quicken.

So does it make sense for me to sign up to walk a half marathon?  I know that Team in Training offers tons of support in the form of mentors and coaches, but is this really something I can do?  Am I setting myself up for failure before I even begin?

I absolutely hate failing at things.  I can’t stand it.  I love to challenge myself and am used to being able to complete the tasks I set before myself.  Hard work and perseverance are my trademarks.  But with fitness walking, all my hard work and perseverance don’t seem to help one bit.

I was talking all of this over with my parents tonight, and my dad said that he thinks I may have some sort of nerve damage that shows up with my heel is impacted.  He said the reason I don’t feel this pain, cramping, and numbness when I bike or do the elliptical machine is because it doesn’t impact my heels.

Right now my plan is to go to the team practice on Wednesday and see what happens.  But if it’s just not realistic for me to complete even a simple practice, I’m going to allow myself to bow out of this gracefully.  I will consider the $100 registration fee that I have already paid out to be a donation to a very worthy cause and move on.

Thoughts?  Ideas?  I’m not really looking for words of encouragement, because I’m really motivated.  I’m looking for any tips or information you may have to share that might give me some insight into why this is happening.

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Curse you, UPS!

Last week I put my first order in for Medifast, so that I would have it ready and waiting when I wanted to start it, beginning at the end of this month.  

Great, so I’ll get a month’s worth of food (shakes, oatmeal, bars) delivered to my door.  What could be easier than that?  Actually getting it.

You see, Medifast requires that I sign for the package.  I guess that makes sense, since I did spend $300 on the meal replacements.  The problem is, UPS wants to deliver it while I’m at work.  Ugh.  

So, I called them this morning and asked to have them hold it for me at their pick-up center.  Great, so I can just stop by and get it after work, right?  Not so much.  Their office closes at 6pm, which means I have to rush out of work, drive like a maniac to the office, and pray that they’re still open by the time I get there. 

I’m hoping that I can leave work a bit early (since it’s my first day and I’m mostly reading background material that I could read at home) and get there before they close.  I’m going to have to check in with Medifast to see if I can change the signature-required option on the shipments because I don’t want to go through this every month.  

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