Posts Tagged ‘relief’

Lately I’ve been doing OK  with my eating and working out (overall), yet there is this underlying feeling of frustration that the 34 lbs that I need to lose in order to get on the waiting list for lap band surgery isn’t coming off as quickly as I’d like or feel that it should.

Part of the frustration is that one of the reasons that I want/need to have the lap band surgery is that I find it difficult to control my portions.   Very difficult.  And yet they want me to lose 30 pounds (which is no small amount!) on my own.  Now, I totally get that they want to see that I can stick to an eating program and that losing the weight will aid the surgery, because there will be less fat around my organs, etc., but it’s still overwhelming for me.

So much so that I get really upset with myself.  I wonder if I should have quit smoking when I did, because since quitting the scale has crept up, not back.  I’m seeing numbers I never, ever wanted to see.  I’m battling myself to deal with the cravings that hit every once in a while to have a cig.  Which does not mean that I’m going to start smoking again – I’m not.  And I’m proud of myself for staying smoke free for 99 days.

But that doesn’t negate the fact that I am snacking more than I should, and it’s showing up in the scale.  And  that’s so upsetting to me, because I am putting so much pressure on myself to finally show some results on the scale.  I have a clear goal, lots of motivation, so WHY CAN’T I DO IT?

These are the thoughts that roll through my head throughout my waking hours.

And then last night I had a dream that was so comforting, so reassuring that I woke up with a sense of calm and peace.  I can’t remember exactly what the dream was even about, but when I woke up, I KNEW that I would lose the weight I needed to. I knew that this time it would work.  That if I just gave myself a little more credit, and was a tiny bit patient with myself, I would be on that pre-op liquid diet before I knew it.

And that was such a relief!

I think this dream was meant to show me that I need to keep going, that I’ve been on this journey for over 2 years, and I’m FINALLY making small progress, so I shouldn’t give up on myself.  I need to keep the faith that I WILL be able to lose the weight to get on that list so that I can start the real journey of losing over 100 pounds.

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