I had another really nice weekend! I love that I’ve been able to get my household stuff done during the week so that I have my weekends free to do whatever comes up. I’m really going to strive to continue this practice when school starts (in just a few short weeks!!), and I think it should be doable, if I stay organized.
Saturday my mom and I went on a 2-mile walk, and it was really nice to get out and do something physical where we had each other’s undivided attention. It seems like a rare thing these last 8 months, so I cherish any “Mom and me” time I get. I’m hoping that she and I can make walks that this one a regular thing – our schedules may not align for every week, but hopefully at least once or twice a month.
One thing that came up on the walk was a bit of a mini meltdown on my part. My mom is small – she weighs about 138 or so right now, and she’s adamant about losing a few pounds to get down to her “right weight” of 132. I know that for someone that size 6 lbs can make a difference in how they feel about themselves, but it’s hard for me to hear my mom talk about herself in a negative way when she’s not at all overweight. She often says, “I look so fat right now,”or things to that extent. And so we started talking and I told her that when sh makes such comments about herself it bothers me because she should be kinder to herself. That she should accept herself and all of her positive attributes and beauty and not always strive for perfection. (Sound familiar? Now you know where I get it).
As we were walking, I was getting cramps in my legs because we were going pretty fast (for me). My mom said innocently, “but we’re not going that fast.” And I took it the wrong way, or maybe it just struck a nerve with me, because I know she didn’t mean any harm by the comment, but I got all teary-eyed and said: “Mom, you have no idea what it’s like to be way more than 100 pounds overweight. Imagine carrying around 100+ pounds more than you do right now on your body. It’s hard being me. It’s hard to just move around in the world, let alone walk at a good clip.” Which sounds so self-pitying as I type it now, but I guess I needed to express myself to my mom, because I’m not sure she and I have ever had that conversation. She said, “Bella, I think you’re amazing and all that you do, and it doesn’t matter how fast or how slow you go, the point is, you go. You’re out there working out and taking class, and I don’t know how you do it, because I don’t think I could do it at my weight, let alone at yours.” And I thanked her, and said, “you know, Mom, I just can’t wait until I’m not the biggest one on the trail, or in the class, or at the yoga studio. I try not to let it get to me and keep a positive attitude, but sometimes it is hard. And I don’t mean to cry and be all “poor me” but it’s tough sometimes to keep this all up.” And my mom spent some time encouraging me and reiterating what she had said before.
I don’t like to get down on myself or my weight, but every so often my size and my limitations because of my weight crop up and get to me. It was good for me to allow myself to be a bit vulnerable and tell my mom what it’s like being me, and to just have a few minutes of self pity. Most of the time I recognize how amazing my life is, but every now and then I think it’s healthy to express my frustration at being this weight. It was cathartic, and it felt good.
The walk itself was fairly strenuous for me, because we were going faster than I normally do. And the shoes held up well, although toward the very end, near the 2-mile mark, I did start to get that numbness/foot falling asleep feeling as I was walking. I didn’t let it stop me, though, and as soon as I stopped walking that quickly, the feeling passed. Which basically means that I need to go at a slower pace while I’m this weight. Not that I won’t push myself, but with walking, at least, I need to listen to my body (leg cramps, foot numbness, etc) and know when enough is enough.
The rest of the day was fairly mellow – my sister and I went out for frozen yogurt, and it was a nice treat, although it has A LOT more calories than I expected. It’s definitely not something I’d eat on a regular basis. I also spent quite a bit of time enjoying my Adirondack chair that my dad put together for me
Sunday my sister and I went out to breakfast, which is so rare for us (I had banana buckwheat pancakes). Then LC and I were headed up to San Francisco to the MOMA to take in their current exhibition – The Steins Collect: Matisse, Picasso, and the Parisian Avant-Garde. The collection was amazing, and we spent an hour and a half walking around just this one exhibit. I’m so glad we did the audio tour, because I learned so much about the Steins’ life. I really didn’t know much about Gertrude Stein and her siblings until yesterday. I found it fascinating that this non-affluent family had such an influence as patrons of modern art. And I didn’t know the San Francisco connection at all. Their entire bohemian existence in Paris in the early part of the 20th century is so appealing to me, and it always has been. If I could travel back in time, I’d love to be in Paris/Italy during the start of the ’20s to see the likes of the Steins, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Picasso, Matisse, etc. Not to mention a quick trip to Mexico to see Frida Kahlo and Tina Modotti.
The collection had so many amazing paintings, and I was surprised to find that I actually enjoyed the Matisse selections more than the Picassos. In general, I like Picasso’s work better, but in terms of the pieces that were included in this exhibition, I was more drawn to the works by Matisse.
"Tea" by Henri Matisse. One of my favorites of the afternoon.
While we were at the MOMA we stopped in the Museum Store and I found myself some great pieces of wearable art (aka jewelry).
This set of pewter bracelets is all intertwined. I took the photo this way to show you how it looks on my arm, as well as close up.
Isn't this ring the coolest? It's zippers. It's from an Argentinian artist, and I think it's funky and fun. (I liked the perspective of the other photo so much, I decided to use it again here).
The rest of Sunday was spent with me really taking stock of myself and realizing that it’s time for me to seek some professional help to find out why I can’t seem to push past this hurdle in my weight loss. You guys know my pattern as well as I do – I do well for a few weeks and then I go off track – either because I get bored, discouraged, or something is just too enticing to resist – and I start all over. And all that it does is make me spin my wheels in terms of weight loss. The other day I read a post by Kenlie in which she said that she’s trying to figure out why she always craves more than she has, in terms of food (and other things too), and those words really struck a nerve with me. I am the same way: it’s about craving – food, material possessions, a boyfriend, a “better,” thinner life…
So, I’ve made a call and I’m in the process of scheduling an appointment (several appointments) to speak with a therapist. About what, exactly, I don’t know, but like my sister said, “it can’t hurt to just talk to someone and see what you find out about yourself.”
Many of you will probably be as surprised as I am about this decision – I’ve avoided therapy for years now. But I guess I just finally accepted the fact that I can’t keep doing what I’m doing and expect different results. And I know that I need to figure these issues out now because WLS isn’t going to take them away. I will have a smaller stomach after the surgery, and I will lose weight – that’s guaranteed, but I won’t be able to keep the weight off and sustain a healthy, happy life unless I get down to the root of the issue. I need to stop this cycle and really, truly figure out how I can end the “craving” and get down to doing the things I need to in order to live my dreams.
Bella on the Beach 