Add My Name to the Naughty List

I woke up this morning and decided that since it was the day after Christmas AND a Monday, it was definitely time to jump on that scale and face the music. For the past several weeks I’ve been “sort of” biding my time until after Christmas by “sort of” staying on my program and “sort of” exercising and “sort of” sampling lots of Christmas goodies. And the past two days were a full-blown food fest. I wasn’t concerned with how many glasses of wine I drank or the fact that I ate way over my calories. And then when I got home last night and I was looking at the photos that we took, I saw this photo of myself and died a bit inside:

Granted, the angle is terrible, but this is really shocking. It’s a definite “before photo,” and it’s the catalyst I needed to get my ass really going. Couple that with the fact that my jeans have been fitting much tighter and I knew the scale wasn’t going to be pretty.

And I was so right.

Which means that I gained 12 lbs since the last time I weighed in, which was November 27th. Wow. It means I have 35 lbs to go to reach my pre-op weight, 30lbs before I can call and tell them “I’m almost there.” And it really sucks because it means that I am now over 300 again.

I know that some of this is my body’s reaction to all the wine I drank these past two days – 4 glasses each night, at least. Plus all the carbs I consumed. And some of it is water retention because of an increase in sodium. But really, it’s because I have been too lax in following the things that I know I need to do in order to lose weight.

But don’t think this means that I’m getting down on myself or that I’m depressed. Because I’m not. If anything, this has lit a fire under me that will carry me for quite some time.

I bought these magnets from Artsyville a couple of weeks ago, and the messages couldn’t be more perfect for me.  They’re hanging on my refrigerator as a constant reminder of what I need to do.

“I know what I need to do.  Now I just need to get out of my own way so I can do it.”

“Get up. Get going. Get moving. Get grooving.  Right now.”

If you haven’t been to Arstyville’s Etsy Store, you should really check it out.  She’s got so many encouraging, motivational “doodles.” To me, they’re decorative and cheery, but they’re also the impetus I need to keep my focus laser-sharp on my goals.

All the motivation in the world is only as good as the actions that it inspires.  I’m happy to say that I received a few things for Christmas that are going to help me with the “action” part of that statement.

I didn’t make it to aqua aerobics last week, but you can bet that I’ll be going this week and every week from here on out.  I’d put these items on my Amazon Wishlist, and I’m so glad that my mom bought them.  I’d actually forgotten that I’d put them there, but I am so thankful that she got them for me.

Aqua gloves and aqua shoes, both by Speedo

The gloves are cool because they add resistance to the aerobic workout, increasing the heart rate, but they’re not as clunky as the Styrofoam dumbbells that the gym offers.  Have you guys ever used those types of dumbbells – they’re not easy to maneuver.  These will just glide through the water, and since they’re gloves, they won’t come off.  They’re easy to put on and take off, even one-handed, which is great.

The shoes are a must-have for anyone doing aqua aerobics, so that your feet don’t get torn up from the bottom of the gym pool. Plus they make running, jumping, and kicking a lot easier in the water.  I had a pair that someone had given me, but they were green/clear and too big.  These are maryjane-style and they match all of my bathing suits. Because why not add a bit of fashion sense to a workout if you can?  I can’t wait to use these on Wednesday evening, which will become my regular, weekly class.

Another fitness-related gift that I got was this Biggest Loser DVD that I had on my Amazon Wishlist:

I like the tagline: "From beginner to winner in 4 weeks."

So I started this morning, before I even made the coffee.

I was in my pjs and sneakers and I completed Week 1 – Monday: Warm-Up, Cardio #1, and Cool Down.

It was 20 minutes of good cardio (my heart rate was elevated even during the warm up and cool down).

And because 20 minutes isn’t enough to burn the calories that I need to, I added in another of my Biggest Loser DVDs – the 30-Day Jump Start.  That one is 10 solid minutes of cardio (with a slight warm-up).

I had even thought that I would add in the Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD, but after 5 minutes of that one, I decided that it was a bit too much for me on Day 1. I don’t want to burn out  before I even begin

I burned 518 calories in 35 minutes with these two DVDs, all before 9am!

I felt good when I was done, as I always do with a solid workout.  I’ll also take Sofi on a 30-40 minute walk a bit later today, which will help me get to my 60 minutes/day of cardio.

The other great thing about the exercise?  By the time I was done, I’d completely forgotten about how bad I felt on that scale this morning.  Because I was actually doing something about it.

Maybe that’s enough to get me back on the “Nice” list.

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Weigh-In Wednesday, Summer Week 8

I knew this morning that as much as I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best, it just wasn’t going to be pretty on the scale. I did my best with exercise during the week, but since the doctor told me to stick to low/no impact workouts, I had to cut the classes out completely. And as many calories as I burn swimming, it’s not the same as when I am sweating and pushing myself in Zumba or Turbo Kick, etc. (I will say that the rest has helped and my back isn’t hurt at all, so it does make me think that I need to make sure that for every “hardcore” class I take I spend the next day doing something lighter).  And then I made a poor choice on Monday night, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Which means I gained 2.8 pounds this week, for a total loss of 17 pounds.  The only good thing about that photo is that I got a pedicure on Friday, so my toes look nice.  🙂

I’m not going to focus on the negative here, because that really doesn’t do any good.  What I am going to say is that I gained weight because of choices I made, pure and simple.  And if I want to get the weight off and qualify for the VSG surgery, it’s going to happen based on choices I make, as well.  So instead of grabbing for something that satisfies a short term craving, I have to take a minute and remind myself what I’m doing all of this for.  Otherwise it’s going to be an endless up and down roller  coaster that I’ve been on countless times in the past.  And instead of riding the weight loss journey roller coaster, I want to lose enough weight that I can go on an actual roller coaster someday soon.

In general I make good food choices because I try not to keep tempting treats in the house (the No Pudge Brownies were an anomaly that will not return to my cupboards).  I have learned so much about myself in this past year and I know that I don’t want to completely deny myself those kinds of foods, but I also know that I can’t have them in bulk in the house.  So if I want a cupcake/brownie/cookie, I’m going to have it when I’m in a social setting, but not buy them in large quantities.  I’m going to try to be more European in that mindset – buy a delicious delicacy from the bakery and bring home a single size serving and enjoy it to the fullest, but know that when it’s gone, it’s gone.  That way, I’m truly indulging but I’m also not setting myself up for failure by going overboard.

As I mentioned yesterday, when I’m working out and giving it my all in that area, it definitely carries over into my food choices. So here’s my workout plan for the remainder of the week, through the weekend:

Wednesday: swimming
Thursday: Spinning (6pm) (attempting again to take my first-ever class)****
Friday: Swimming, Zumba (6pm)
Saturday: Long bike ride
Sunday: Walking (around San Fran, with my sister)

That’s my plan and I’m going to stick to it.  You can follow me on Twitter to catch my tweets about exercises (or just read them in the sidebar of this blog).

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Weigh-In Wednesday: Summer, Week 4

This week I knew the scale was going to reflect all of the birthday/holiday celebrating I did this weekend.  I took a quick peek yesterday, and I was up to 299.4, which was scary!  So without any other buildup, let’s face the music:

Which means I gained 6.2 lbs since last week, making my total weight loss down to 14.2 pounds.  Which sucks.  Big time.  But I know that some of this is still water retention – just look at my balloons feet.  My feet are always fairly chubby, but usually I can see some definition in them.  This is just sad.

And it just goes to show me that if I let myself and my eating get a bit out of control, this is what can happen.  The main reason for the weight gain is the drinking – so much wine on my birthday, more on Sunday, and still more on the 4th.  Which is not to say that I didn’t eat more than my fair share, too, but I think it was the alcohol that was the main contributor.

This also shows me why I really do need to have the WLS.  Without it, my weight will go back and forth and up and down like a rollercoaster.  It has my entire adult life, and it’s not going to stop without some sort of tool like the VSG surgery.  That’s crystal clear to me.  Because I can take weight off (sort of), but it creeps back on really quickly, too.  And I’m just so tired of the ups and downs.

It is what it is.  I’m really not happy about it, but I’m not going to wallow in misery.  Considering that yesterday the scale said 299.4, I’ve already lost 2.6 lbs in one day by eating on track and getting some exercise in.  And the plan is to do more of the same this week.  In fact, I’m heading to Zumba in about an hour.

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Weigh-In Wednesday: Medifast, Week 11

Eleven weeks is a long time to follow any sort of diet, especially one as restrictive in calories and food as Medifast.  Which means that this week’s results on the scale come as no surprise, for many reasons.

Which means I gained 3.8 lbs this week, for a total loss of 22 pounds in 11 weeks.  Yes I’m disappointed that I’ve put myself behind in my progress, but there were a number of factors, including:

• my choice to eat carb-laden foods at Easter brunch.
• my body reacting to working out on Monday afternoon.
• TOM. Enough said.

I’m not happy with these results, but they do serve as a major wake up call to me.  Today, in this moment, I know that I don’t want to begin the familiar path of yo-yoing back and forth between losing and regaining weight.  I don’t want to go on that weight loss roller coaster again; I’ve been on that ride way too many times in this lifetime.  One of the main reasons I chose to follow such a restricted diet is so that I was almost guaranteed of quick success.

Which leads me to the following statement: there will be no more deviations from the Medifast plan until I lose the remaining weight (23 lbs + 5 or so to account for scale fluctuations and clothes at the official weigh in).  Period.

Taking Control of Challenging Food Situations
I don’t think it will be that difficult, really.  May has a couple of holidays – Mother’s Day and Memorial Day, but both of those can be celebrated following the Lean & Green plan.  In fact, I think I’m going to offer to have Mother’s Day at my house just to make sure.  Plus, since both my sister and my mom are mothers, it’s only right that they don’t have to lift a finger on that day.  I’d love to hear any ideas that you might have for Mother’s Day meals.  I’m thinking of grilling salmon  with side dishes of asparagus, a green salad and then maybe a rice pilaf or wild rice for everyone else.  But it seems like that might be too simple for such a special day.  So, if you have any recommendations, please let me know.

I Still am Proud of Myself
Even though the weigh in today and two weeks ago were negative, I’m not in a negative frame of mind at all. In fact, it’s like the gauntlet has been thrown down.  By me.  I’m challenging myself to move past the 25 pounds lost mark and make it to 30 pounds (my 10%) and then to 40 and then to 45 and even to 50.  I know I can do it.  I have the wherewithal within me.

And on that positive note, I am still very proud of my progress to date.  I’m feeling more like the me I remember.  The girl who looks nice despite her size and who takes pride in her appearance.  I’ve been enjoying putting “new” outfits together by wearing clothes that haven’t fit me for a while.  It’s also nice that spring is here and skirts and dresses can now be factored into the wardrobe.  Case in point, today’s outfit:

Sorry that the lighting isn’t great in the photo; I forgot to open the blinds in my room before taking the photo, and I was already running late, so I didn’t want to stop and take another one.  And yes, that is a huge crack in the mirror, but since it’s behind my door and out of sight most of the time I haven’t bothered to buy a new mirror yet.  That’s on the to-do list.

I really like the way this outfit shows off my curves, and I can see my waist coming back.  I’ve already received 3 compliments today, 2 of which were from my students, which is always nice.  The outfit makes me feel happy and light.  And it’s wonderful to feel good about myself when I see this photo and look in the mirror. That’s a feeling I haven’t had in a long time, so it’s very welcome.

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Weigh-In Wednesday: Medifast, Week 9

If you read yesterday’s post, you know that today’s news from the scale wasn’t going to be pretty.  Originally I was going to give myself a pass from the scale.  Then I decided (after a great comment from Tina) that I would weigh myself and make a post, but keep it private (only viewable by me).  And then this morning I asked myself, why in the world don’t I want to publicize today’s weigh in?  What am I afraid of?  My readers are some of the most supportive, well-intentioned people I know, and I know they won’t ridicule me.  Plus, it’s no secret that I’m going to have a gain, so, what’s with the mystery?

So, loyal readers and bloggy friends, here is this morning’s scale shot…

Which means I gained 3.6 lbs this week, for a total weight loss of 21.4 pounds in 9 weeks. This isn’t the direction that I want the scale to move in, but it is what it is.  It kills me that I derailed a week and a half worth of weight loss in one evening.  But it is a good warning and reminder to me that this is what can happen when I make the wrong choices or allow myself to get out of control with eating.  It is a significant gain in one week, but it’s not catastrophic.  I can come back from this.

And with hard work this week and some extra time at the gym/being active outside I can turn it around and see a loss.  So the plan for this week, beginning today is no “extra” protein.  I’ve said before that I have customized the Medifast plan so that instead of eating 6-7 oz of protein at the main meal, I eat 4 oz of protein then and then have string cheese, Greek yogurt, and/or almonds as part of my snack to keep me going throughout the day.  Not this week.

This week I’m going to follow the plan the way it was meant to be followed.  Which means only the 5 meal replacements and then 1 lean and green meal (6 oz of protein and 2 cups of veggies, with a bit of healthy oil).  It will be difficult, but since I’m home for the next 5 days (still on Spring Break), I can manage it.  I don’t get as hungry when I’m at home because I’m not up and about as much.  Or I eat later in the morning because I sleep in.  You get the picture.  I can do it.

And when I do it, I should see a bigger loss on the scale next week.  Because Medifast says that the average weight loss is 3-5 pounds a week.  I haven’t been seeing numbers like that (mine are more like 2-3 lbs/week) because of my customization.  Up to this point I’ve been ok with that because I’ve felt like without the extra snacks I wouldn’t have been able to last this long on the program.  But I’m at the point in the journey now that I need to ramp things up a bit.  I know I can manage it, and I also know from past experience that any hunger I feel at first will go away as my body gets used to eating fewer calories.

Moving forward (beyond just this week), I’m going to stick to strict Medifast (no snacks) and see if I can reach my mini goal that much faster. It’s worth a shot, right?  I feel like if I could do a total liquid diet of only 500 calories a day, I can do this.

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HYC Update – Writing it Out

 

I must admit, today I’m not feeling it.  At all.  I’m not sure exactly what put me in this funk.  Sure, I could blame it on PMS, but really, that’s not the problem. 

The problem is something that Scale Warfare alluded to in one of her recent comments.  It’s the fact that once I start seeing success on the scale, however minor it is, it’s like something is triggered in me to sabotage myself.  I have no idea why.  She said that she thinks she may be afraid of success.  I don’t know if that’s what it is with me, but that does make sense. 

The thing is, even though I know exactly what I should be doing in order to successfully lose weight, it feels like I can only stick to it for a couple of weeks at a time.  Especially when my life is busy and I have other things going on.  In the summer when I have nothing else to really focus on, I can keep my attention on weight loss and do well, which is why I always lose more weight in the summer.  But when I’mworking and have a million other things on my mind, it’s like I can’t keep myself from going off track.  It’s frustrating, because I want to succeed and reach my goal weight so much, but I keep preventing myself from doing it.

I haven’t always been this way.  In the past, even as recently as two years ago, I could stick to a very strict diet and lose weight.  But that was probably because I knew that there it was going to be over at some point.  I’d eventually stop eating the Jenny Craig food, or stop drinking the fasting shakes.  It wasn’t a permanent lifestyle change.  And I think that’s the key right there.

I need to somehow figure out how to make this healthy eating lifestyle change permanent. It needs to be sustainable long term.  I need to get out of the habit of thinking that I only need to stick with it for a certain length of time, because that’s not realistic for weight loss success. 

And perhaps, I also need to allow myself to realize that because I am human, and this is for life, there are going to be times when I will gain weight and get off track.  I’m always so hard on myself when I get off track, and it leads to me giving up for a few days.  Then I finally snap out of it, but I get pissed that I’ve once again allowed myself to take 10 steps back.  I think I’m going to try to just accept it when I get off track for a day or two and focus on getting back to my healthy lifestyle as quickly as possible.  Bounce back, so to speak.

Thanks for letting me “write it out” in this HYC Update today.  I really needed to work this stuff out in my head, and writing a post has become the best way for me to do that.

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Weigh-In Wednesday – 4 weeks left!

Can you believe that we’re in the first week of December already?  I can’t.  This year has flown by, especially since September!  But enough of me trying to avoid talking about the weigh in.  Without further ado…

 Yep, that’s right, I gained. 4.3 pounds to be exact.  I didn’t weigh in last week, so this is technically the weight gain for  the past two weeks, but regardless, it’s a big gain, which sucks. 

I wasn’t sure what the scale would bring, because it’s TOM time again, and I didn’t track at all while I was away for Thanksgiving.  It felt freeing, in a way.  I ate when I was hungry, tried to make the best choices possible, and didn’t put too much pressure on myself.  I didn’t eat as many meals as I usually do, but my portions were bigger than normal on the meals that I did eat, so I was thinking that thing would work out in the end.  I also got a lot of walking in once we got to Chicago, which felt good.

So, moving forward into these last 3 weeks of 2009, I’m going to slowly get back in to working out.  I haven’t worked out at all since I’ve had bronchitis, but I’m finally feeling better now. The plan for this week is all about the Wii – Fit Plus, Sports Active, and Biggest Loser game.  Between those three Wii games, I should get in a decent workout each day, and slowly get my body back into working out mode.  Next week, I’m going to incorporate going to the gym on my own, along with the Wii.  The final two weeks I’ll be home on Winter Break, so I can really kick up my workouts and take some group exercise classes at the gym to get back on track to start seeing Jimmy when the new year comes. I’m really looking forward to moving my body again.  I’ve missed the sense of accomplishment that comes with it.

One thing I’ve noticed this week is that even though it’s hard to stay on a weight loss plan when away from home, it was easier not to overindulge because I wasn’t by myself at night.  My parents have always been huge supporters of mine, in life and in weight loss.  My mom is naturally slim now, although she was a bit overweight as a child.  But she sees herself as much heavier than she really is.  Growing up, she was very concerned about my sister’s and my weight, and I think we were always a bit more conscious of our eating when she was around.  I noticed that on this trip, because my parents and I were together every waking moment, I was much more conscientious about my eating.  I didn’t give in and eat more than I should just because something looked good or I had the “need” to eat.  Being in the company of other people at meal times definitely made it more of a social thing, and less about just the food itself.

Living alone, I have a lot of advantages because I only have to worry about cooking for myself and I can make anything that tickles my fancy.  The down side of living alone is that I’m not accountable to anyone.  If someone were here with me I know I wouldn’t overindulge as much as I do at night sometimes.  Even if they weren’t paying any attention to what I was doing, I know I’d never binge eat.  I care too much about appearances.  As it is now, I sometimes give in to the urges, and it’s easy for me to rationalize it to myself.

What I am going to do in these last four weeks is stop this roller coaster of gaining some, losing some, and regaining it again.  It has to end.  The way it ends is for me to stop giving in to every food whim that pops into my mind.  Especially at night.  This isn’t a holiday food and parties thing.  This is a getting a handle on my eating thing.  I need to stop fooling around and start to take this seriously, otherwise I’m going to keep doing this roller coaster dance and I’ll never get to my goal.  I need to start now so that I can begin 2010 with a renewed sense of purpose and focus on my goal.

I feel like much of this year was spent getting myself into the proper mindset.  Finding the time in my busy schedule for working out, cooking healthy meals, and preparing for the day.  I’ve got that down.  I’ve made lifestyle changes that will stick with me.  Now I need to go into 2010 with the drive and determination to take this weight off.  I need to stop playing games with myself and rationalizing when I eat more than I should.

It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t.  It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.” – James Gordon.

I’m ready to change! I am ready to take control! I am ready to get to goal!

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WW Weigh-In #3

This week I gained another 2.2 pounds, for a total weight loss of 0.4.

To say I am extremely upset and disappointed is putting it mildly.  I know that I had a few “events” this week, but I did well at each of them and tracked all of my points.  I even had 10 WPAs (the extra 35 points you get per week) left over.  I canceled on sushi on Friday because I was so freaked out about all of the other events.  I’m so mad about this gain.  This is ridiculous.

But, I am not giving up.  This gain doesn’t define me or all I have worked so hard to put in place for myself.  It is a setback. And after about 2 hours of feeling sorry for myself this morning, I am moving forward.  There is simply no other option.  I will get the better of this.  I have to.

So after my WW meeting this morning, I drove straight to the gourmet Italian market that I love because it has so much fresh, wonderful produce.  I bought Jazz apples, Swiss chard, broccoli rabe, cherry tomatoes, and a pummelo.  (I’ll write another post about what I thought of this unique citrus fruit later).  I wanted to make sure that I have lots of healthy, fresh produce to cook for lunches and dinners throughout the week.  

This continued weight gain is an indication that my body really does need activity every day.  And I was very bad about getting activity this week.  I only got 4 APs all week, and that was on Sunday.  The week was crazy at work, but there will always be crazy weeks.  I gave in to feeling tired and didn’t workout, and that was my error.  I have to push through feeling tired and make exercise a priority.  I know now that it’s the key to my weight loss success.  My first week on WW I lost 3.8 pounds, and that was due in large part to the fact that I got in lots of activity.  I was off of work and I had the time to workout whenever I wanted.  But in real life I am not off of work – I have pressures and stresses and feel wiped out at the end of the day.  But so what?  Feeling tired is not an excuse to sit on the couch and watch t.v.

This week’s goal is to move more.  To get in all 21 APs that I’ve set as my weekly goal.  Today I’m going on a long bike ride with DRMK and her husband, which will be wonderful.  We’re going to go on the Los Gatos Trail that I’ve written about before.  I love riding my bike there, and I know we’ll have so much fun while we’re getting in lots of activity.  Tomorrow I’ll wake up and do the new Biggest Loser Boot Camp DVD I just received from QVC.  And during the week, the time that I’m usually full of excuses, I WILL workout, no matter how exhausted I am.  I’ve been taking my multivitamin every day, so hopefully now that TOM is over, I will actually feel more energized.

Today’s WW meeting was all about hunger – emotional hunger versus physical hunger.  I know that I sometimes eat for emotional reasons – boredom, mostly, but sometimes also because I feel like giving up. I want to try to be more conscious of this and stop myself from turning to food when I’m not really hungry. (If you start seeing a lot of blog posts from me this week, you’ll know why).

Speaking of hungry, have you seen the new WW commercials?  People love the little “hungry monster” so much that our leader told us WW is going to make some to keep in the centers.  Here’s the commercial, in case you’re interested:

I’m beginning week 4, and the booklet this week is all about Healthy Habits.  I think the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.  I plan to read the entire book today and try to glean as many lessons from it as I can.

The quote at the end of today’s meeting was adorable.  It is so simple and yet so true:

A good meal ought to begin with hunger. — French Proverb

This is the start of a whole new week, and the choices I make in adversity are what will determine my success in the long run.

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Time to Get Real

This isn’t a post that’s easy for me to write, but I feel that I have to.

For the past few of months, since before I even stopped the fasting, I’ve been struggling.  Struggling to stay on program with eating healthy and working out on a regular basis.  I’d have whole weekends where I’d be in “binge mode,” eating anything and everything that I could find.  Luckily for me, most of that was “good food,” but even healthy food adds up.

I know that the fast completely screwed up my metabolism, so that when I first began WW, I actually gained weight instead of lost it.  And then I lost only a pound.  And then I gained 2 more with TOM.  Bascially, I wasn’t seeing the amazing results that I had seen when I was fasting (naturally, since I was eating real food and taking in more than 500 calories a day), so my twisted mind decided to sabotage the whole thing and go on a free for all for a little while.

You will notice that I stopped posting on this blog about how my weekly weigh-ins were going.  That’s because they weren’t going, and I didn’t want to lie here too.

You see, I’ve been gaining weight, and I’ve been lying to those around me about the fact that I’ve gained, continually telling them  that I was losing (albeit small amounts) when I was going to the WW meetings.  Hell, I’ve been lying to them about going to the WW meetings.  Why the need to lie?  I just didn’t want to disappoint them and  admit that I’ve been truly struggling.  (I have gone to some WW meetings, but they have been few and far between because I knew the scale wouldn’t show a loss.  So I avoided going).

But the lying stops today. Not that I’m going to have any huge confessions, mind you, but what I am committing to is putting myself and my weight loss as a priority.

Today I’m going to get back on program, and I don’t care that it’s 3 days before Christmas.  I need to get back on track NOW. I feel like if I don’t take this step now, in the final days of the year, I’ll backslide completely and end up gaining all of the weight I’ve lost and then some.

I know I can do this.  And now it’s for REAL.  Real life, real food.  All me, doing this for myself and no one else.  Really.

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