Or, to be more accurate, REgain!!
Now, let’s not overreact. I haven’t completely blown everything that I worked so hard for. I’ve still lost over 100 pounds; 115 to be exact. Which is a tremendous accomplishment in and of itself. One that I’m very proud of. Anyone who sees me walking down the street wouldn’t think, “oh, she’s got such a pretty face, but….” They might think I’ve got an overly big booty, but they wouldn’t categorize me as fat in any way. I’m still wearing size 12 pants and large tops, which puts me below the national average.
A pic of RDC3 and me in Half Moon Bay, taken on Monday, April 4, 2016
But let’s also be honest.
- I could tell I was gaining weight when some of my smaller workout tops started to be a bit too tight to comfortably wear to the gym.
- I could tell I was gaining weight when the size 10 jeans I was so proud of fitting into no longer zipped up and I had to go buy some size 12s.
- I could tell I was gaining weight when I would see those “last year on this day” posts on FB and notice that my face was so much thinner in the then than in the now.
- I could tell I was gaining weight when I saw selfies that I took and noticed my collar bones weren’t quite sticking out as much as they once did.
- I could tell I was gaining weight when my hair stylist stopped asking me how much more weight I’d lost, as she had done at every appointment since my VSG surgery.
- I could tell I was gaining weight when I looked in the mirror and saw my face getting rounder.
- I could tell I was gaining weight when my mom mentioned something at Christmas.
- I could tell I was gaining weight when my #TBT pics started showing my face looking bigger now instead of then:
June 2015 vs March 2016
So while I “could tell I was gaining weight” for quite some time, I didn’t want to actually face the music, get on the scale, and see exactly how much I’d gained. Because that would be a scary reality.
But scary or not, I told myself that I am someone who faces her fears head-on. In fact, I am someone who is afraid of very few things in this life. But let me confirm that re-gaining weight is definitely one of my major fears. So last Saturday I asked RDC3 to change the battery in my scale. (You see, the scale had needed a replacement battery for several months. I went out and bought the batteries, but couldn’t seem to drum up the courage to actually put them in the scale, because that would mean I had no excuse not to just step on it and see what it said). It took me until Sunday morning to summon the courage to actually get on the scale, though.
And when I did, I saw a number that I was so sure I’d never see on my scale again. I saw a “2” as the first number. The last time I’d gotten on the scale was months and months ago. Maybe back in October or so. It said 190 lbs, and that number was scary enough, let me tell you. But last Sunday I saw 201 lbs looking back at me, and I felt my heart sink. Not only that, but tears welled up in my eyes, and I actually started to cry. So much of my personality is about being as close to “perfect” as I can be. And while I know in my head that nothing and no one is ever perfect, it is an idea so deeply ingrained in me that it is always painful to accept when I’m feeling very “unperfect.” And seeing 201 on that scale was about as “unperfect” as I have felt in a very long time.
A huge part is feeling that I’ve disappointed so many people. Everyone who has shown me so much support and encouragement in my weight loss journey. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, which, for someone who lives her life “out loud” like I do, is one of the worst feelings imaginable. I want to be someone other people admire, not another statistic who regains weight.
It brought up so many worries for me. Would I just keep on going up and up and up and hit my highest weight again? Would RDC3 still love me if he knew how much I weighed? Would I be able to lose the weight AGAIN?
After he consoled me, and RDC3 and I started to talk, I realized: that by stepping on the scale I was ensuring that no, I would never again get to my highest weight; that he loves me for who I am on the inside, and although he wants me to be healthy so that we can have a long life together, he’s not worried about a number on a scale, and he is completely attracted to the way I look, extra lbs and all***; and yes, I WILL be able to lose the weight again because I am a fighter.
***While I did come clean with RDC3 and told him that I’d gained 31 pounds, I didn’t tell him the exact number on the scale. He knows about my blog, though, so he will see it on here, which will make me feel like I’ve completely come clean with him. I know that he won’t judge me about seeing 201 on the scale, because that’s not how he is.
How did I regain 30 pounds? The sweet answer is that it is “love weight” now that I have RDC3 in my life. We are always out and about and a lot of the time that also means eating out. But let’s be honest, he or our relationship is not the reason I regained weight. In fact, I was already regaining a bit by the time I met him last May. My lowest recorded weight ever was 167 at some point in late 2014/early 2015. Last May 13, 2015 (3 days before my first date with RDC3) I weighed in on MFP at 177, which is a 10-lb gain. And I know it slowly crept up from there. Sure, going out to eat more often was a part of that regain. But an even bigger part was that I stopped:
- planning and prepping healthy meals where I weighed and measured everything, opting instead to buy pre-made salads from TJs, many of which had a protein-to-calorie ratio that was way off from what I know helps me lose weight.
- logging my meals into MyFitnessPal
- working out consistently, or even working out at all. There were many weeks in the past 11 months where I didn’t work out even one day of the week, let alone the 5-6 times that I was doing when I was really on my game
- drinking enough water
Basically, I stopped doing all the things I know that I should be doing in order to lose weight.
RDC3 was very concerned that he’d “been a bad influence on me” because I’ve regained this weight in the time that we’ve been together. But I told him that actually, that isn’t true. I’d been out of my routine and gaining weight even before we met each other, it just hadn’t really shown up yet on the scale or in the way my clothes fit. And none of that had anything to do with him. Because we live 40 miles away from each other and have opposite work schedules, he and I are only able to see each other on the weekends, so I have no excuse for why I wasn’t doing what I should have been during the week. And RDC3 is someone who doesn’t feel settled and at peace with himself if he doesn’t work out, so he works out really consistently, at least 3-4 times a week. We even belong to the same gym, and he’s always asking me to go with him when we’re together on the weekends. He has also gained about 25 lbs since we’ve started dating, and he’s not happy with where he is on the scale, so he’s so supportive of any efforts towards a healthier lifestyle. No, this weight gain is all my fault.
But the good news is, it’s also all in my control to start losing weight again. And that’s the kind of power that I thrive off of.
This past week I’ve been off for spring break, and while I haven’t gone full force into weight loss mode, I have made some small, yet significant, changes. I’ve been starting my mornings with protein shakes 4 out of the past 7 days. I’ve been a lot more active, getting in hikes, walks, and a trip to the gym. Until I got a pretty bad cold, that is. But still, I was on a good roll. I’ve also been cooking low carb, high protein dinners which I’ve been really enjoying (have you seen them on IG?). I’ve also been drinking lots more water. Those are the ways that I lost weight before, and those are the ways that I’m going to lose weight again.
My plan is simple:
- plan, prep, and eat high protein, low carb, low calorie meals
- because life is meant to be enjoyed, make those meals taste good and avoid food ruts
- indulge on the weekends, but only in moderation – one meal, a few cocktails, not 2 days of craziness
- log everything into MFP
- workout 5 days a week, at a minimum. Not only is RDC3 a member of my gym, but so is Tinkerbell and another great friend of mine, plus I don’t mind working out alone. I love my ToneItUp community on social media, which inspires the heck out of me. And now that the weather is going to be getting better and the days are lighter longer, I can get activity in doing things I love, like riding my bike.
- drink more water. I’ve been so negligent about this prior to this past week that I am going to be happy with 6-8 glasses a day, even though I know I should drink 8-10. A little at a time.
- weigh in weekly. To keep myself accountable, RDC3 and I are going to weigh in and tell each other the results every Sunday. I’ll also write a blog post about it. (I’ve really missed writing my weekly weigh-in posts).
I’m not kidding myself into thinking that these 7 steps are going to be easy-peasy, because they’re not. They are simple, but they take enormous effort and energy. This time weight loss isn’t going to be the main focus of my life as it has been in the past, because I have an amazing man in my life and all of the experiences that come with being in love. It will be a priority, because I also know in my heart that weight loss is still important to me, so I will do whatever it takes to make it fit into my new life so that it can happen.
I know how good I feel when I eat right, workout regularly, and start to see results. I love all of the positive reinforcement I get from living a healthy lifestyle. I want that back, and I know that I can do it again.
By writing all of this out, I’ve already taken a huge leap.
Remember Oprah’s cover photo a few years ago?
As she might say, “Honeychild, I know where you were, where you want to be, and what you’re going through.”
And just like Oprah finally “came clean” on the cover of her nationwide magazine, I’m finally “coming clean” here on my blog.